Supa Update lol...

So, it's been a very hectic 2 months as it always is during the holidays.  I am proud to announce that I did in fact get my Nintendo Wii!!!!  I also got the Zumba Wii game for Xmas!  I did Zumba twice last week and it felt really good.  You can choose between 30-45-60 minute classes as well as single songs. I absolutely love it....I just wish I could have actually done it this week, but a mouse has invaded the penthouse and I have been on high alert ever since lol.

I hope to walk with a co-worker today as well as tommorow to get in SOME exercise.  If I had to make a New years resolution it would be to stay on the exercise train!  Not to loose weight or eat better, but simply to commit to my exercise plan and goals.  So far, I think I've been doing okay.  I've tried my hardest to at the very minimum walk 15 mins ONCE a week.  Again, with the blur formerly known as the last two months of my life I haven't exactly been keeping track of it but I know I've been doing it! Again this upcoming year I really want to challenge myself to stick to this very simple goal because real talk I think I've mastered healthy cooking and I think I'm at a place where I can at least recongoinze when bad habits are creeping up and how to manage them. Exercise has always been my final frontier.

Funny cause once I get into it, I really start to challenge myself because I hate losing even to myself lol.  I have two walking partners at work, my Wii, and my nephew of all people has volunteered to be my "personal trainer" which will probably amount to me going once to the gym at his dorm or him coming to my house under the pretense of "workling out" only to have me cook and simply feed him lol.  He's not back from the burbs until Jan 9th so I hope to commit to 1 workout every two weeks with Dee.  I think I can stick to that. At least that is my plan.  Again, I'm trying to write down and plan so I can remember I always have resources at my disposal.  Alright I better dash because I have been trying to get in some product reviews for a while!!

Phabulously Phocused in 2012,

Earl

The Calls.....

So, yesterday I got some VERY disturbing news from my primary doctor.  My rheumatologist had already called on Monday to let me know my liver levels were high.  Well we both had agreed that it was PROBABLY due to the fact that I'd drink both days leading up to my blood draw. And apparently, I wasn't supposed to have been drinking for the last 7 weeks due to the sarcoid medicine lol.  Now I went back last night (as I did the day I got the coid medicine) and reread every word on the medical sheet as well as the bottle itself.  The only thing mentioned about alchol is "Talk to your doctor about drinking alchol with this medicine"...not one place did it say "do not drink with this medicine".  Regardless, the news of not being able to drink hit me infinitely more hard than the high liver levels lol....until yesterday's phone call.

Primary doc---who'd taken blood for my physical---also saw the high liver levels and was concerned.  I told her nurse about the coid medicine snaffu and she happened to mention to me what "high" exactly met.  Normal liver levels are supposed to be between 53-125...mine?

360-something.

yeah...

that...

happened.

WTF! So, now I'm a little freaked out.  I would be the freak to give herself accidental liver damage.  Thank god it regernates and I'm young lol.  But the nurse doesn't stop there, my cholesterol, thanks to Harold's Chicken is 266! But before I can fully digest this, the nurse hits me with her Ace card.  My primary doc would like to discuss "aggressive weight loss" options.  To put into context how not okay with this I was, I went home (after a good cry in the car ride home) and began cleaning as I normally do when i don't want to think about something.  And I:

• Bleached my tub
• Cleaned my toilet and vanity
• Washed walls in the bathroom
• Hand mopped the bathroom floor
• Dusted the bath and living room
• Cleaned the upohlstry on my couch and changed the couch linens (yes I have couch linens!)
• Swept
• Vaccumed
• Washed my dishes
• Washed down my coutners and cabinets in the kitchen...

Yeah I cleaned for 3 hours straight, after which I felt slightly better.  Still thinking about how my health is seemingly not getting better and it's freaking me the hell out!  I'm too young for this shit, I'm too young for this! I'm not a bad person, I know I haven't been trying but I made a plan.  My primary doc is supposed to call me herself and have "the weight talk"  I guess, and given the last 8 months and my preoccupation with my weight I know one thing:

ANY kind of bariatric surgery is out.  Mentally I'm not ready (and my therapist will attest to that) and financially I can't afford it.

I hope my doc and I can work something out.  She's older (60's) so she may be old school but I would be willing to see a nutrionist, check in with the doc every 4 weeks, give up meat, get a personal trainer, what evs!  I mean I was so hyped up and scared last night that I made my lunch and put it all into my WW tracker lol.  Lunch today is a spinach salad with 1/2 cup each of green peppers, onions, and mushrooms.  Homemade dressing of balsamic, olive oil, and Mrs. Dash.  And the Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatballs.  Total points for my lunch...6 points...been A WHILE since I could say that lol.

Yeah, more than anything last night I was just terrified.  I mean I'm 30 and I have allergies, asthma, sarcoid, a weak right hip, a questionable liver, and I'm 100-150 lbs overweight.  I've been focusing on me mentally the last 8 months which is why I didn't completely loose my shit last night.  But now it's time to get down to the nitty gritty.  I'm going to change.  I AM going to loose this weight and get better because I can't continue to live my life in pain, doctor's offices, and blood labs.  I'm tired of this and it's tough love time...

Scared but phocused,

Earl

The 40 Year Emotional Arc Theory....

So, in my current state of constant self reflection I've been thinking about the whole dating thing again, but from the...wait for it...marriage point of view lol.  It occurred to me after reading a fair few online dating profiles of men declaring that they were "tired of the bar scene", that I didn't really understand that statement.  I mean we all know that most (not all) women have some kind of "biological clock" that is promptly smashed to bits once they push out a baby lol.  But what about men?

I've heard that men have biological clocks too but in my never ending quest to understand the male mind (expect my thesis on the subject in a couple hundred years lol), I was wondering what the "emotional" need cycle of both women and men are.  For example, let's take on the female emotional need cycle by age first and yes this will be quite simplistic given that this just a theory....

Women-20's
So, it seems in our 20's women are trying to find their independence whilst generally grappling with self image and confidence issues borne in our teens. In short 20 year old women strive to look good and have fun...I mean what else do we have to do while in the "prime of our youth"?

Women-30's
In our 30's, success is the name of the game for most women.  They've done the dating thing and starting to look for Mr. Right even though we still drag that self image baggage into each relationship hoping Mr. Right will accept or change us (depends on how you see that personally).  We party with limits now and we only dress up "to go out", which becomes less frequent as the 30's looms because we either work more or we've gotten married and had kids.  I mean these "are the years" to pop em out! The biological clock begins and is pratically ringing incessantly the farther into our 30's we get lol.

Women-40's
Now this is what I see as the hardest decade for most women.  Not only because you'll be going through "The Change" , the bilogical clock is either dying, going insane, or silent.  It's something that even if some women don't voice, it bothers them.  Any sort of weight from children or just life in general have seemed to cemented intself to our frames and depression and or divorce is high in this age range due to the stress from all of the above. It's also been rumored that a woman's sex drive might start amping back up as some women who divorce in their 40's become cougars (grrrrr!) and well they're looking for something extra after such-and-such many years of marriage.  So, you may also see a renewed interest in appearances in general.

Women-50's
By this time women are starting to accept themselves or.....they're running for the plastic surgeon for "one last chance" to reclaim their youth lol.  However, after having  raised their children, been married a while or divorced, women start to come back to nurturing themselves toward the late 50's.  Women see diet changes (that actually make sense primarily due to the onset of some medical conditions---high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.), hobbies that "they've always wanted to do", and a deep interest in children/grandchildren.

Women-60's
Okay so now whatever's sagging is just going to sag because by 60, most women's skin and bodies have had it and we know it.  So most not only accept their bodies but start to enjoy not having to "put on the ritz" to feel good.  Enter Dr. Scholls ( though I wear these now and they're stylishly awesome), grandma panties (hey they are comfty), and sweets (no more suckin it in!).



Now, given that I am a woman that was pretty thorough (and accurate in my humble opinion) emotional need assestment of my sex by decade.  However, now we cross into the bulk of my "theories".  I will try to not male bash, and if it helps I was pretty honest about what women are generally going through even if every 20-30-40-50-60 yr old I know disagrees!


Men-20's
Many-a-girlfriend have heard me refer to this as the "P---y Period" for men lol.  Men come out of their teens with an exceptional interest in not only their bodies but women's bodies.  In short, we make them feel good and they want and start to NEED sex.  So basically, men are utilizing their youthful stamina, establishing style and having fun too!

Men-30's
This is the decade I find most puzzling.  Primarily because some men stay stuck in the p---y period while some hit the extreme opposite and start "getting tired of the bar scene"---and that's a direct quote from many an online male profile---and start "looking to settle down". Hmmm.  So, here's the question I wonder about men...where does this pressure come from?  I mean real talk.  Women have the biological clock, do men to have some sort of biological clock? Is it motivated by some sort of physiological thing (hormones?) or is it societal? Like who wants to be getting "white boy wasted" at 34?  I mean when we're (other 30 year olds) see the clearly aging frat boy getting drunk at a bar we don't think that's hot we think it's kinda sad---oh admit it you've thought it!  Men learn that their body just doesn't react the same and quite frankly we all want to feel good as we age.  So does enhanced responsibilties like looking out for ones health, paying bills (most at this age are living are their own), and having stability pressure men into "completing" the picture by adding the wife and 2.5 kids?

Men-40's
By this time most men have had a few long term girlfriends or couple of wives. Fun fact lol...did you know that of the men I "surveyed" , men would ideally like to have sex EVERY OTHER DAY! So it's no suprise most men will have had kids by this age.  Anywho, by this time men's bodies FINALLY start to soften up a bit.  So by the mid to end of this decade the mid-life crisis may hit.  Some men wantdesire small cars, cut waistlines, and young women to help them ignore the fact that they are aging.  if they can't get that other dependencies develop (cheating, alchol abuse, abuse in general). It's weird, small expensive cars and young women are like the male version of a 40 yr old woman's botox and weightwatchers....scary lol.

Men-50's
This is the decade I think men are really at their prime.  They've learned a fair bit about relationships, their own bodies, rearing children.  They've worked (hopefully) enough that they are ready to enjoy the simple things.  This is where I think personnaly, men's style becomes sexy.  I often see middle aged men don suits, hats, expensive cologne for light night out with a date and perhaps a guy's night out.  I'm badly explaining this but I can see in these men a confidence coming NOT from how much money they have but a simple appreciation of WHAT they have.  That one colgne they've worn for 20 years, the $150 hat they only wear "out and about", the leather coat a wife/girlfriend got them because it made them look hot.  I guess there's just a general ease about men at this age because the gray is out and like the 60 yr old woman, men realize a decade early that simply...I am who I am!

Men-60's
I would say that this is the decade where men start to see the radical diet changes (that actually make sense primarily due to the onset of some medical conditions---high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.), they begin to appreciate small things like their morning coffee or their favorite sports team's latest ups and downs.  I think their changing health and the feeling of sometimes being unable to control it, may scare men. Which makes them hold on to the things they love the most. Again a joy in the simple things.  But they also start to take a deeper interest in children/grandchildren.


So where the hell am I going in all of this? Stay tuned lol....

Checkin Out/In...(being tested already lol...)

So, this week I decided to do a reboot of the WW system.  I mean I've been trying to track a little everyday. I know my arch nemesis lol. I even realized how little veggies I've actually been eating from my tracking I know genius that WW lol. One step at a time.  But anywho, like I said in my last blog I just finished up writing this awesome piece based around the notion of BELIEVING I was ugly.

So, I'm eating my breakfast (honey oat Cheerios, 8 ozs whole milk (that's all I could get!), coffee, and a banana) and I hear two coworkers talking about their weight loss journeys.  Mind you, they both have given birth within the last year but they've lost a TON of the birth gain weight.  So, at first I was like "Wow you're complaining because you only got 29 or 19 points lol, big fuckin whoop since you're already small."  Then I immediately was like it's not easy for ANYBODY to change.  I mean look how long I've been at it lol.

But then I was like, both of them are married with attractive husbands, both have two kids, good jobs and yet they are still unhappy with themselves.  One woman's pants are so baggy from weight loss she has saggy ass and she's what 5'8 or 5'9 and slender.  The other is shorter maybe 5'5 or 5'6 but she is also not heavy or obese.  And I'm not saying that WW is only for obese people but, it got me to wondering if balancing one's vanity (what we see in the mirror vs. society) and one's sanity (or self worth and confidence) is truly a sliding scale?  I think so often we "just want to be happy".  Like once we do all these changes to our bodies in specific we'll finally "be happy" but then we may find something else we want to change and despite everything we've accomplished we go right back in the negative self worth cycle.

Okay maybe I'm being suuuuuper psuedointellectual but I think there's something to be said about women who don't TRULY check out I guess with themselves.  I know some minority women who know when it's starts getting warm it's time to "get it right and tight" for summer.  They gots be able to fit in the booty shorts somehow lol.  But what about those who never check back out?  Like I guess, though my co-workers are smaller and seemingly have it all, if they are "checked in" all the time to changing themselves and never check out just to be happy for a while...then I feel sorry for them.  Mark this day....I never thought I'd have anything in common with a self conscious skinny girl lol. 

But real talk, that trip to the movies changed my life.  I simply will not live my life "checked in" to what may be a real need to change when I know given our visually over stimulated society it can sometimes just be vanity run amok.  Wow...didn't think I'd pop out that kinda blog after not blogging for so long lol.

Pheelin Psuedointellecutally Stimulated (lol),

Earl

Busy is an Excuse!

Why is it that I go through these blogging lulls? Well, a lot has been happening since the start of September I guess...

First, I went back to the GDM which has sucked up all my free time. And since the beginning of October I've been working on a story for 2nd Story (during these times I give myself permission to slack on blogging so I can focus on the 2nd story process). And to be fair my 2nd Story story is about my unnatural hate on for J-Hud (told you I'd turn it into a performance lol). I had to really sit down and focus on what I wanted to convey to the audience while tying in the hate and forgiveness theme and J-Hud. At first I was majorly forcing it, then I just focused on what I wanted the audience to know more than anything and that's to believe---not just idly think---that you are ugly is NOT healthy and that is goes wayyy beyond what we wear but how we truly see ourselves in terms of our worth. I know deep lol.

I also get some crazy big laughs in there talking about J-hud…but I won't ruin it for you. I actually sat next to the podcast guy at a 2ndStory event and found out most of my stories have been audio recorded! I've been so focused on video that it didn't even occur to me to see if there were audio recordings. I guess they've been podcasting my stories? I know weird, well I hope someone hears something I've wrote and it's changed their lives for the better :).

Well since I copy and pasted my original text away, my other good news is that I took a big step towards showing loving kindness to myself  by putting a Wii on layaway! I'm so excited! Not only do I love the competitiveness of it, I love that I get to move and get more into the game! I will play my nephew's Michael Jackson game and do 3 songs and be sweatin like a pig lol. Hey Mike wasn't that skinny fa nothin! I also want to get some of the Just Dance games. And because there are like Harry Potter and Dancing With the Stars Wii games I don't see myself getting bored anytime soon! It will be good for my waistline and give me another option to walking.

In the interim, I believe it was last week, I did come home and do a workout tape one day and walk the next. I'm trying, but I think I'm going to....go back to the basics for reals. Like journaling and everything :(. I think I got too cocky once I started cooking my own food and weight went down. Then I got busy and lazy and fast food has ruled for the last 2 weeks. I got some "extra" cash that fueled that, but now I'm gonna do bills which should cut that shit out quick lol. Also, I 've been sick the last two days and I've been eating...wait for it....grilled chicken from Jewel's and like 2 helpings of regular old iceberg lettuce mix with ranch dressing. I don't even eat a lot of ranch dressing but for some reason this combo seemed to have hit my palette right this week lol. I also bought some ramen to help soothe my powderhouse dry throat. Yes, I know the salt content is high but they are filling and as long as I drink lemon water I can shed some of that excess salt (I only use a half to 2/3rds of the seasoning packet anyway).

Oh I've also been designing a friend's website in my spare time, so my computer brain has been focused on that too. Anywho, I better go and point for the day, get some bills paid, and try and catch up on my work.
Muah!



Pheelin A Tad Stressed lol,


Earl



Check In!...bad Earl!

Yes, I have been bad I have not blogged in like two weeks! Eek!  Well here goes...


WW

So I get back from vacay FULLY expecting a weight gain, and to my surprise in two weeks I'd lost 6.2 lbs!  Probably because we walked everywhere.  No to mention playing in the ocean and site seeing.  What this tells me is basically something I already know...Earl has got the food thing down but needs to MOVE HER BUTT!  Consequently, I had been trying to wear my WW movement monitor but I seem to have misplaced it after voluntarily, yes VOLUNTARILY walking to Oak Park last Saturday! Kudos for me!  See that's the thing, like anybody actually starting the activity is the hard part.  Once I start I'm focused and interested but it's just getting past that initial 15 minutes where I try to talk myself out of exercising.....will have to work on finding some jedi-mind trick for that ;).

Confidence

So, I didn't mention this but while in Maine I had to "put my money where my mouth" was.  I had a slight issue with Azch. Basically, I had made him into to such the perfect guy...in my head...I was too scared to hit on the boy when I got in front of him!  I could feel myself intentionally avoiding him and not looking him in the eye.  It was weird and I DID NOT LIKE IT.  I said I was only going to live invigorating realities and here I was skirting the reality because I was scared.  To be fair he was also kinda acting like a square, not really drinking or partying so it made it kind of awkward to try and talk to him when he was not really talking to other people and he was definitely "being the good  bro/cousin/son".  Regardless, after realizing I wasn't going to make a move I got really angry with myself.  I had planned my attack!  Prayed for the period gods to make mine come on early and POOF it comes on a week early.  I brought the cute clothes, had my couple of drinks and then he kinda turned me off with the Goody Two shoes act.  But instead of still flirting with him I froze up.  It's like how do I flirt sober...well that's another problem lol.  My main issue was I felt like I had wasted my chance, wasted sooo much brain energy and time and for what????  I was so angry with myself I cried.  It was pretty ugly.  So now there is a certain somebody at my job, not the Man Whore lol, that I am looking at.  I think he may be gay but I'm certainly going to put some feelers out.  I've already had the "we're a couple" fantasy so I got to catch it before it turns into a toxic crush.  Yeah that's a good name for this negative behavior....toxic crushing.  Toxic to me not the guy :).

Career

Well unfortunately I still work for this "childcare agency" and I use those words LOOSELY lol.  I am however REALLY excited to be going back to the GM.  Primarily because I need the money and I miss it.  I know crazy lol.  Who misses a second job that causes them to work 60 total hours a week?  Plus I want to keep my bartending skills up to par so that I can not feel like and idiot when I get my BASSETT license, HOPEFULLY in late November.  That is my target date.  So, then I will have a month to find somewhere to tend and hopefully god willing go down to part time at the "childcare agency" starting beginning to mid January.  I have a really good plan set out for the Fall.  Oh not to mention I'm working with 2nd Story in October/November :) ! I hope I can get things crackin without any sort of melt down lol.  I mean I'm going to go hard from now till mid October...like 4 days at the second job.  Then I'll back off a bit for 2nd story, then come back hard for the month of December.

yeah...that happened!

It's been a wild and crazy end of August but here goes!...

So clearly it's the end of times lol. Earthquake in Richmond, tropical storm in NewYork City, Earl's not a virgin anymore....lol yeah it happened.  I was drunk but at least I wasn't wasted and I remember everything.  I thank my girls or it never would have happened. "Don't think just rip that band aid off" was their mantra.  It was fun though.  I won't go into detail but I can say that I had sex on a moonlit beach, while on vacation, with a boston guy named Nick who...and this is the best...was wearing an "Italian Stallion" shirt! LOL.  I think it's funny.  I don't regret doin it I just wish he hadn't got white boy wasted afterwards lol.Oh wait did I mention that me, him, and my girls skinny dipped after we came back!!! Yeah I knocked off a couple bucket list things in one night lol sex, sex on the beach, and skinny dipping!

On a more emotional note, I was glad it happened because I was seriously starting to believe that I was just that undesireable.  And not to worry I had stopped drinking like 45 minutes before it happened so I was pretty much in control still---drunk---but we had our facilties together enough to make it happen captain!  So now the challenge is...is this what I have to do to let down my insecurities and get close to a guy---get drunk?  That's not a trend I'd like to continue but I would of course like to have sex again so I better figure somethin out lol...

And NONE of this would have happened if I hadn't started giving myself some breaks and being loving and caring instead of analyzing and critiquing...I guess my therapist was right lol...

Your DePhlowered One (lol...lmao!),

Earl