Dee's Graduation Weekend!

Sup!

So, I didn't weigh in this weekend.  With all of the festivities I barely had time to sleep....like for reals.  It was my nephew's graduation from high school! We had dinner Friday night out (I ate bread and salad and then only half of my greecian chicken and rice....very proud of self lol...I ate later believe me lol).  Then Saturday we had his party and honestly I was so dam nervous about my memory video for Dee that I only ate a chicken wing one spoonful of green beans and two forkfuls of salad lol.  And we dances ALL night long!  I wasn't as sore as I thought I'd be but I am still stiff lol.  Then Sunday we went to the bowling alley, all of the cousins.  I had some pizza and beer but I was also jumping around and dancing all night plus the bowling....I hope it all equalled out.  As well...last week I lost like 3.2 pounds!  Maybe that was the poo back up let go reaction?  Or maybe my body's loosing weight metabolism has finally caught up?  I'm also thinking that 5K had something to do with it lol. 

So, I'm going to try and continue to walk. Especially this week, since my braids are out and I could get in some good hair conditioning walking in this hot weather lol. 

I haven't written since creating the Command Center still, but I also haven't really been home that much (been gone 4 days lol).  But this week I hope to relax (think the waterbugs have retreated....at least I hope) and get some stuff cleaned up around the Penthouse.  Have plenty of leftovers and stuff that I shouldn't have to cook till Thursday night so that helps.  Am feeling good.. oh I almost forgot.  A LOT of people I haven't seen in a while kept asking me at Dee's party how much weight I'd lost...I was so confused lol.  I had on jeans and actually kind of a blousy top in my opinion and everyone was like "Wow how much have you lost.?" And I was like "Um 5 lbs since January" lol.  I forgot aboutmy recent lost.  But still people were like "No you've lost more or it's shifting!".  and when you hear this once I think "Oh they 're just  being nice" or "It must have been a lonnnng time since we last met".  But when I hear it from not one not two but three people in the same weekend. Perhaps, like I so frequently miss, everyone else is seeing changes that I cannot readily see. 

I mean I still have a double chin, flabby arms (though I can feel they are more slender) with back rolls (butter em up baby lol) but apparently those things must be shrinking lol.  Hey we're in new territory here not just in the weightloss but in accepting compliments.  I mean the thing is I think most bigger people like me are so often on edge waiting for the ever popular "insult veiled as a compliemnt" that when we get an actual compliment we react defensively.  I mean everytime someone gave me a compliment it was "Oh I ONLY lost 5 lbs".  I mean in that statement I basically unconcisously negated all my VERY HARD FOUGHT success.  I mean we all know I've been fighting with the scale for months but the ONLY thing that has keep me going is that I feel like I'm losing weight not only in my clothes but in my range of motion and in my energy level.  I mean I barely sat down sunday at the bowling alley and the night before I was literally bouncing on the balls of my feet all night I was so hyped lol.  It's exhausting but, that kind of payoff is also FUNNNNN!

Well, I'm going to enjoy my weightloss up to the point weather it be on the scale on not by simply continuing to recognize these succeses and celebrate them!

Boo yow,

Earl

I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

I SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED MY FIRST 5K!!!

A finish line never looked as good as this one!

LOWLIGHTS....I have to put these on here just because I need the accountability on the things I did that made the walk harder  lol...


1.  I did not search hard enough for my good sports bra.  My boombies feel like they weigh a ton after all that bouncing up AND downhill....yes I said I voluntarily walked up and down hills PLURAL lol.

2.  I began looking at all the people in front of me and instead of starting off at my "morning cofee" pace.  I tried to start a little faster figuring I'd just pull back.  Now as we all know this is like one of my cardinal Guidelines to Succesful Habitual Walking.  That I read before I went too.  I didn't START off at my pace and I winded myself way too quick.  My lungs are still burning a little.

3. I should have bought some walking walking shoes but to be fair with my hip and allergies I wouldn't have had time to break them in.  I don't think I have full on blisters...but maybe the start mini-blisters lol.

4.  I also started my walk with Kesha's old album....um why? Then because I didn't want to through off my timing I had to listen to the whole thing but that's neither here nor there.  My music mood changes so much I don't really think this was a lowlight lol.

Okay I had to note those things because I didn't completely listen to myself and walk MY walk.  Okay...on to the

HIGHLIGHTS of the walk...

1.  I WAS NOT LAST! lol.  This is highlight for me because I had it in my mind that I was going to be.  AND I DID NOT want to be last lol.  I know superficial but I had to shoot for something!

2.  I wanted to do the walkin in 1 hr and 15 mins...that was my like uber I 'm super in shape goal. But my  realistic goal was 1:30....and I did it in 1 hr and 22 minutes! 

3.  I said above that I didn't completely walk my walk because half way through I was like "Earl your dying...STOP and take a breather before you pop a lung girl!".  So I took two 30-45 second stops and still finished with a good time.  It took a mile and half but I finally started listening to myself lol.

It was hard but it was empowering.  There were men and women of all different sizes.  Mom and daughter teams, best friends, husbands and wives it was really encouraging to see people encouraging each other.  I also started the race with my friend Jeannie so I didn't feel as alone as I would have had she not been there.  There were also people who didn't finish the walk and I'm not saying I'm better than them or anything but I'm proud that I both listened to my body but didn't give into it.  Did I probably push myself too hard yeah, but I didn't pass out so I think I managed my walk well.  All of this is despite my jacked hip, a stitch in my side the whole time, allergies, asthma, not walking for two weeks because of the hip, and the fact that the dam walk was in the HOTTEST part of the day (1-4pm)! 

Okay am stiffening up and would like to stretch out this cramp...and I STINK lol.  Bottom line I DID IT! I SURVIVED!  I AM DAM PROUD OF MYSELF!

Phantastically Tired (lol), 

Earl!

Weight Watchers 5K Pre-Blog!

Well today is the day folks! I am voluntarily walking 3.2 miles in support of WeightWatchers and healthy living in general.  I know I am nervous because I cleaned my whole bathroom today (cept for the toilet was getting tired had to scrub tub lol).  Whenever I wake up and clean....I'm avoiding something.  BUT I said 6 weeks ago I would do this.  If it takes me 3 dam hours I'm walking it!  It shouldn't lol, but I don't know if I will hit my goal time of 1 hour and 15 minutes.  I mean I haven't walked in like a week and a half and since then the hip has gone out to the point of needing the chiro.  But NO EXCUSES!

I will read through my Walking Guidelines before I leave.  I just need to remeber to enjoy the experience, take pictures, and go at my pace! Especially nursing the ol trick hip lol. Okay...I'm also nervous that I will get there and chicken out.  What if everybody is all fit and stuff?  Of course this is all in my head but what is it about overwight people that we feel instantly at ease when we see someone "like us".  Well then when we loose the weight will I still have that to comfort me in other situations?  Okay...that is another blog.  I'm writing to get my jitters out....

I know I will succeed I just have to not be embaraassed.  I'm gonna be nervous cause I've never done anything like this, but I am afraid (for some reason) of embarassing myself.  But then part of me is like...I think walking 3 friggin miles is a pretty big feat for someone who's been overweight their entire life!  I should have NOTHING to be embarassed about.

I know this is bad but what is fueling me more than anything...like I got dressed for the walk to this thought...is I want to prove to all those people who are always like "I'll help you loose weight" then they for whatever reason get busy with other things that I mean what I say and I sya what I mean.  I am changingmy life regardless of wether others want to help.  I mean again...ain't nobody gonna walk this 3.2 miles for me right? lol.  And no I'm not turninginto one of those self righteous dieters who talk shit about people who are not trying to get healthier.  No way!  The one thing I have reiterated from Day 1 is that you gotta be ready mentally to make a change.  NO EXCUSES.  It sucks...you bet.  Every day, every meal, every occasion out because you can't just throw caution to the wind.  Does that suck YES.  Is it what I need to do to loose weight and improve my health...right now...YES.  I will finish this 5K (maybe on one hip), I will loose weight, and I will improve my mind, body, and spirit on this journey. Hopefully without turning into a self righteous judgemental prick lol. Okay let'd do the dam thing!

Ready to Walk,

Princess Phabbo (a.k.a Earl)

HAPPY 60th POST!

Well folks I made it to 60 lol.  If you can't tell my posts have become a little less frequent. Partially because I'm a struggling a  bit having reaggravted my hip (been drugged).  Then I decided to start creating the 'Command Center" more on that later....and the water bugs are out...ewwwwww. 

I went out and finally bought a desk....turns out the perfect desk.  Now....I need the writing to come lol.  Which would be cool if I didn't think there were large water bugs meandering around behind me lol.  Ithink I killed the queen the other day in my living room.  To exaplin I live in a split level apartment.  And these things only come out when it gets rainy and warm out.  In my kitchen.  Which is next to the "Command Center".

So, what the hell is the command center?

Well. I have decided to take some time out to focus on my writing...whatever that may be lol (show, a piece, cookbook, tell all novel?) But I needed to create a space to write and one that was  actually conducive to writing.  So, I decided to turn my rarely used dining room into a co-diing room/office.  I added just ONE bookshelf (I have many many more) and my new desk bought off craigslist from a dude moving for $40 (it's a $100 IKEA desk fyi lol).  So, after hemming and hawing I finally created the Comman Center last night.  After getting the desk, putting it together, and moving things around I was of course too tired to write.  But I felt really good about my process...until I woke up and saw a huge water bug dead on a glue trap in my kitchen (which opens up to the Comman Center). 

I know I'm being skittishly random but on the real, when you spend HOURS somewhere you have to feel comfortable so that it doesn't make the sucky part of writing (physically writing veruss coming up with the ideas) harder than it already is lol.  Anywho this is important because I have had a lot of good impulese to write but no time and no place.  So, I eleimnated the place excuse by creating the Command Center.  And yesterdya I wrote my boss at the second job and I requested the first 3 weeks in June OFF.  And when I go back I will be at 2 shifts a week (she doesn't know that though lol).  I want to clear out some time to get back to having fun on this journey.  It's hard when your injured though.  But thankfully I slept over a large mound of pillows which ultimately realigned my back/hip area that had popped out of wack (note to self can't ride a seated bike yet....grrrrr).

Anywho, I did loose a pound of the crap the same two I've been losing and gaining for 5 weeks.  And with my period coming on I expect to gain that back in water lol.  So, perhaps two weeks from now I will go down.  Oh and I'm walking that 5K on Sunday in Wheaton....am NERVOUS.  because withthe back going out this week I haven't had time to do a trial 5K to get a trial time to beat.  And last week I was just in a stress induced funk.But I'm going to do it!  I just need rember my rules.  Walk my pace, have the phone and mp3 players juiced up, and have fun.  Am bringing Digie (my digital camera) to document this.  So that should make it fun lol.  My sister is SUPPOSED to be walking it with me....I don't know if she'd even paid.  Regardless I think I'd rather do it by myself anyway.  This is a battle that it helps to have friends but somethings you gotta do by yourself.  I mean ain't nobody else gonna walk the 3.2 miles for me lol. lol. Anywho I better go...will write a more inspiring blog next time...

The "No-No" List

So, yesterday's "I don't care what I eat because I messed up already" binge started with one fastically salty crunch TORTILLA CHIP.  Yup, I was trying hard to fight the left over chips at my job but one turned into 5, and five turned into a half a plate with some salsa.   Yeah...I admit it but I am trying to leave that in the past today.

I stocked up over the weekend with fruit so I'm trying to eat some with every meal to keep me fuller.  Am also going to add a glass of water to that.  Perhaps, I am not getting enough after I leave work where I technically drink all 64 of my required ozs.  Anywho, I think it's time....to write down my No-No List.

The No-No List is a list of foods that after 30 dam years on this earth I KNOW, WITHOUT A DOUBT, will trigger a binge and a glorious bout of self-depreication.  So, until I can reign it in a bit, FOR NOW, I WILL NOT eat the following and the specificness is not so I can create loopholes, I just know exactly what trigger it for me.  And because I have been trying to laugh as much about this as I can...these are  the brave foods that I will temporarily sacrafice for the betterment of my waistline:

DANISHES....sorry guys...your creamy delisciouness is just too much Mama right now....

DOUGHNUTS....what the HELL am I going to do when my period strikes and I can't go get two Boston Creams from Dunkin Doughnuts? lol...hey keeping it real!

VANILLA WAFERS....I can smash half a box with some milk, but it's been years since I pulled out that party trick.

TORTILLA CHIPS....that one was actually physically difficult for me to write.  A maragarita from now on...just own't be the same...

OREOS...this is primarily a thing for when I go home cause I know better than to leave an unguarded package of these puppies in the Penthouse lol!!!

MUFFINS...yes even the low fat kind from Dunkin Doughnuts...oh this is a dark day in baked goods history....

okay I should probably give something up from McDonalds just because that is one place I can navigate but not always that well....ah man...this too is gonna hurt...

LARGE FRIES from MCDONALDS....I have taken to using a phrase I haven't used in years...."large size it". Eek scary...I think the key with this one will be to simply SLOW down and savor every last cripsy fried potatoe stick of joy....lol...yeah I said that...

Hmmm, this seems like a totally reasonable list to give up until...and I'm going to pray this is not over reaching...my birthday...July 18th!   OMG....I hope I have not just set myself up for disappointment.  But this will force me to find healthy alternatives to these items as well as force me to figure what it is emotionally that triggers these binges.  I lot of it is deprivation on my part and not ....okay I just had my first test.  Haven't even finished the stupid blog about trigger foods and I'm tempted by the main culprit....Doughnuts...homecut...at the front desk at my job.  Of course I picked up the box automatically to see if there were any in there lol.  But I am proud to report that no tonly did I refuse one when offered I didn't even open the box! Whew...I made up some excuse like I can't eat gluten products or something like that lol...hey all the stars do it to cover the fact they starve themselves or purge lol.  But on the real...this is gonna be a LOOOOONNNGG 3 months lol.  VICTORY IS MINE!


-Earl

p.s.

Yeah...totally stayed late at my job to finish this....I know...someone spends too much time in Photoshop lol...

P.S.S.

Update on "No-No" List....As of May 31, 2011 I have been successfully navigating the No No list since I posted this blog but I wanted to add one more that I have been okay with but I can see it getting out of control....

My Beloved Cheetos...you guys did me proud but I gotta take a break from you. No, no....it's me not you.... lol...

A Mother's Day Sunday Walk....

So, after a week of feeling like crap due to my allergies (eye swollen shut Wed, been trying to prevent ear drums from bursting since Friday, overall mucusy crap threatening to flare up asthma) combined with my super stiffness after last Saturdays foray to the gym (heating pad has been my friend this week)….I decided since today was such a beautiful morning it’d be a shame not to get up and walk. Now after feeling so bad physically and mentally for not exercising all week I gotta admit…I naturally wasn’t too jazzed about it lol. So, I made a deal with myself….a sugar free non fat vanilla latte from McDonalds (am officially addicted) and a “leisurely stroll” just to see where the allgeries and asthma were.

In preparation….two puffs on the ol’ inhaler, two decongestants, an allergy pill, cotton balls in ears…ALL CHECK. So, after getting my latte I proceeded with the “torturous ten” ---you know that first ten minutes where you come up with all the excuses for turning back and not walking lol. And I would like to note that I am especially proud that I survived the tortuous ten this morning considering the entire first ten minutes consisted of me coughing up large amounts of phlem lol.

Anywho, about 2/3 through my walk I passed a church and I saaw two middle aged women walking in the local Luthern church (at like 8am)  and I was immediately reminded of my own Mother.  I remember when I was younger and every holiday there was “Sunrise” service.  As a kid never went to these except that one Thanksgiving my mom pulled the Baptist equivalent of catholic guilt (why are all mom’s so versed in that lol?). On principle I was of the opinion….“Hey you said I had to go to church on SUNDAYS so 7am Thursday X-mas service don’t count!”

Here’s where I’m going with this lol…it occurred to me this morning that I bet my mom was getting ready for Sunday Mother’s day service... and I selfishly felt better because I knew she’d be praying for me this morning. Crazy huh? Me the woman who stopped going to church as a matter of principle (I conquered the Baptist guilt thing when I got to my junior-ish year in high school lol) and doesn't nrealy as much as she should. Don’t get me wrong I’m spiritual and I believe there is a God but I also believe one’s faith is private matter so I only go to church like once year (usually for a holiday such as today lol). Yet I gotta admit, I’ve never felt more blessed to know that despite my abbreviated beliefs… there’s someone else out there gives a dam about my soul lol!

My mother actually told me one post- “I didn’t go to church" morning that it didn’t matter if I didn’t go to church because she prayed for us (me and my sister) more than she prayed for herself. This morning I can sappily say that I’m thankful for her faith even I don’t have a ton myself. Because in a world where people cheer for the death of a man they don’t know while still tuning into shows where people are paid to gym, tan, and do their laundry, or have babies at 16….I can proudly say I have one saving grace in the midst of all that--my mom. A steady rock in our family And though she’s gone a little soft now (she’ll put out an apb for me if she hasn’t heard from in more than 2 days lol) I’m sooo thankful that she’s the glue that keeps us together and watches over our soul’s....even when we’re at home sleepin in on Sunday mornings lol. Happy Mother’s Day Mom and to all the Moms out there!

WE APPRECIATE YOU!

Phsappily Yours,
 
Earl

HURDLE!---NonCobblerGate

da

dun

DA DUNNNNNN

da dun da dun da dun da dun

(I was trying for the Star Wars theme lol...)

So last night I went against my best judgement and didn't eat the dessert I'd been wanting and planning to make ALL day because I didn't want to spend the money to just go get some dam milk.  So, instead of just going to get the dam milk or a doughnut or something to kill my sugar jones triggered by a packages of crumb cakes earlier...I DEPREIVED MYSELF and as a result binged the rest of the night.  And not like concisously! I keep trying to find something that was going to be "better" and "healthier" that the 9pt low fat peach cobbler I planned to make.  In the interim that tacked on like 20 friggin point sof pudding, peanut butter, tortilla chips, and hummus! 

I am noting this...not berating myself.  But this is one of those times I should have simply listened to my gut (literally) and made what I could have honestly enjoyed and then been done with.  Hey I could have lived with eating up some of my weekly points on a fasntastic piece of cobbler that I hardly ever make----that's what they're there for---but instead I tried to do what was "better" than that, "heathlier", make a "smarter" choice when the right choice was to listen EARL and not all those imaginary adjectives that did nothing but eat up all my dam weekly points lol! 

Speaking of the sugar jones...It started with a crumb cake yesterday, then I had the cobbler craving, then I had a doughnut for breakfast (with a banana) today clearly have not squashed sugar jones lol.   This always seems to happen after I eat commerically prepared baked goods...I CAN'T STOP.  Dam trigger foods!  But I'm going to try something revolutionary....instead of depriving myself tonight (and FROM NOW ON) and therefore setting myself up for an even bigger failure than just eating the dam things to begin with, I am going to start BAKING UP A STORM.  lol.  I'm so broke right now (like $0.00 broke).  But I am going to scrap of some change and get some milk and I'm going to make my daggone cobbler, some no bake cookies (on Thursday), and I have a THOUSAND packages of SF/FF pudding and the daggone crusts (for once) so I may make a pudding pie too!  I should have a well stocked arnsel of healthy desserts to kill this Sugar Jones.  And since I'm not that great of a baker lol, I can eat my healthy BAKED stuff (cause a pudding cup just won't get it...I need to bring out the big guns to get "The Jones" lol) and it satisfiys me but I don't generally want more lol.  Hey we all have our strengths mine are cobblers and crisps, everything else i gotta really concentrate on lol. 

Okay am feeling much better about Noncobblergate (dam that was good one) because I realize where I goofed and I will not be making that mistake again.  I mean even if I have no baked goods on hand to get me through my sugar jones (it comes and gos) I know next time...without ANY doubt no matter what anyone says from NOW ON...."Earl, if you've been thinking about the same piece of food for hours just eat a sensible portion of the dam thing or you'll pay for it later---like everytime!  This will not change and THAT is OKAY!"  Okay am done now...:).


Phakin and Bakin Tonight!

Earl

Permission To Loose Weight...GRANTED....

Dudes, realized this morning that by enacting the  "No Judgement" rule this time around I have essentially given myself permission to do this MY way on MY terms and most importantly WITHOUT MY OWN JUDGEMENT.  I've been on the WW boards a lot lately and today I saw a word that in the past I would have used in private soley when I really wanted to make myself feel bad about not succeeding at whatever it was that was in my life I was struggling with.  A word that could almost instantly derail my efforts but today reading it made me ANGRY.  I made me want to write that poster "Don't you say that word!"...what word say you?  The word....

SHAMEFUL.

This word is just a BAD word now in my book.

There is so much negative self judgement/hate wrapped up inthat word that it's now right up there with n****r and f*g for me.  Just typing those words made me had to go back and put symbols in their place because there is nothing NOTHING positive about those words.  So,  I now add "shame"onto that list. 

Shame is a lethaly crippling feeling.  When I realized that I didn't really like myself last month, I knew I had to have a real-talk self assesment discussion with my shrink.  I realized there were so many things I'd held back from even her (who I tell EVERYTHING to) that I felt by hiding it, it made those things "bad" and it made me ashamed and "bad" and stupid for not accepting these things about me.  Ashamed at letting myself close up.  Ashamed at not being able to talk about the really important fact that I didn't really like myself at times and It made me ashamed because I realized feared dealing with this issue and I've always said I don't  fear anything (within reason...nuclear war, bungee jumping, alien take overs..rightfully fear those). When I realized how scary this negative ticker tape sould I immeadaitely said...."Oh hell nawl.  I've been through to much to go back down that road of depression and negativity....I am going to talk to my shrink and body else I need to!" That I would not let what I have discovered in the dark replace the light out of the tunnel.  Yeah I went there lol.

But on the reals, it was like the negativity towards myself last month triggered and alarm to get help.  I mean for lack of better words...it scared me how much it hurt to call myself "ugly" and be ashamed of that thought process.  It scared the hell out me so much that I HAD to go see my shrink whom I'd started seeing regularly 4 years ago after a simularly scary event. And had it not been for going to my shrink I know I would have again have spiraled into a deep self loathing depression.  Riddled with shame over being "fat", unable to loose weight, get a man, succeed at anything....etc.etc.etc.  Yes there is a LOT no a TON of pressure from society to not be "ugly" but when you are perpetraing the idea that you are worthless and ugly in your own head...NOTHING and I mean NOTHING good can come from that.  

I realized it soooo wasn't "tough love" .  That people may not be happy with their lives but nobody criticizes and berates me worse than I do. So why is it not acceptable for them to say hurtful things to me but okay for conscience to prepetrate the same hurtful things?   So, I chose and continue to choose every to begin stopping that constant negative ticker tape.

 And no, I'm not all of a sudden "happy" or satisified with my weight or appearance but I'm making a stance today to take the energy I would normally use to bereate myself and give myself permission to use that energy to give something good back to myself.  Ten minutes extra sleep, 5 minutes of zone out time, a manicure, a 15 minute uber vacation search (I like planning imaginary trips to Greece lol)...use that energy to realize that I may fail....HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS of times...but I am still a human being worthy of trying again.  Of living my life and continuing to be a good person.

So, in honor of the Obama administration's take down of Bin Laden (shout out to all the troops and many prayers to the survivors and families of 911!!).....

*Cue Mission Impossible theme song....*

"My mission...is to loose weight and by doing so find acceptance of it (whether I actually loose weight or not).  And as the President/CEO/Executive Director/Sole Proprietor/High Queen/Duchess Phab of Earliana McLaurin, I hereby grant the "Me---who has accomplished too much to be afraid to squash anything and anybody who threatens that" permission to openly target and take down the "Me-- who has felt like a helpless, shameful victim  her whole life". This is my mission...

AND I ACCEPT!





What up fool? GRRRRRRR!



*Cue Stevie Wonder's "She's A Bad Mamma Jamma"...perviously unofficial but now supa official theme song of Earliana McLaurin....*

Stay Phab Yall!

-Earl