Permission To Loose Weight...GRANTED....

Dudes, realized this morning that by enacting the  "No Judgement" rule this time around I have essentially given myself permission to do this MY way on MY terms and most importantly WITHOUT MY OWN JUDGEMENT.  I've been on the WW boards a lot lately and today I saw a word that in the past I would have used in private soley when I really wanted to make myself feel bad about not succeeding at whatever it was that was in my life I was struggling with.  A word that could almost instantly derail my efforts but today reading it made me ANGRY.  I made me want to write that poster "Don't you say that word!"...what word say you?  The word....

SHAMEFUL.

This word is just a BAD word now in my book.

There is so much negative self judgement/hate wrapped up inthat word that it's now right up there with n****r and f*g for me.  Just typing those words made me had to go back and put symbols in their place because there is nothing NOTHING positive about those words.  So,  I now add "shame"onto that list. 

Shame is a lethaly crippling feeling.  When I realized that I didn't really like myself last month, I knew I had to have a real-talk self assesment discussion with my shrink.  I realized there were so many things I'd held back from even her (who I tell EVERYTHING to) that I felt by hiding it, it made those things "bad" and it made me ashamed and "bad" and stupid for not accepting these things about me.  Ashamed at letting myself close up.  Ashamed at not being able to talk about the really important fact that I didn't really like myself at times and It made me ashamed because I realized feared dealing with this issue and I've always said I don't  fear anything (within reason...nuclear war, bungee jumping, alien take overs..rightfully fear those). When I realized how scary this negative ticker tape sould I immeadaitely said...."Oh hell nawl.  I've been through to much to go back down that road of depression and negativity....I am going to talk to my shrink and body else I need to!" That I would not let what I have discovered in the dark replace the light out of the tunnel.  Yeah I went there lol.

But on the reals, it was like the negativity towards myself last month triggered and alarm to get help.  I mean for lack of better words...it scared me how much it hurt to call myself "ugly" and be ashamed of that thought process.  It scared the hell out me so much that I HAD to go see my shrink whom I'd started seeing regularly 4 years ago after a simularly scary event. And had it not been for going to my shrink I know I would have again have spiraled into a deep self loathing depression.  Riddled with shame over being "fat", unable to loose weight, get a man, succeed at anything....etc.etc.etc.  Yes there is a LOT no a TON of pressure from society to not be "ugly" but when you are perpetraing the idea that you are worthless and ugly in your own head...NOTHING and I mean NOTHING good can come from that.  

I realized it soooo wasn't "tough love" .  That people may not be happy with their lives but nobody criticizes and berates me worse than I do. So why is it not acceptable for them to say hurtful things to me but okay for conscience to prepetrate the same hurtful things?   So, I chose and continue to choose every to begin stopping that constant negative ticker tape.

 And no, I'm not all of a sudden "happy" or satisified with my weight or appearance but I'm making a stance today to take the energy I would normally use to bereate myself and give myself permission to use that energy to give something good back to myself.  Ten minutes extra sleep, 5 minutes of zone out time, a manicure, a 15 minute uber vacation search (I like planning imaginary trips to Greece lol)...use that energy to realize that I may fail....HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS of times...but I am still a human being worthy of trying again.  Of living my life and continuing to be a good person.

So, in honor of the Obama administration's take down of Bin Laden (shout out to all the troops and many prayers to the survivors and families of 911!!).....

*Cue Mission Impossible theme song....*

"My mission...is to loose weight and by doing so find acceptance of it (whether I actually loose weight or not).  And as the President/CEO/Executive Director/Sole Proprietor/High Queen/Duchess Phab of Earliana McLaurin, I hereby grant the "Me---who has accomplished too much to be afraid to squash anything and anybody who threatens that" permission to openly target and take down the "Me-- who has felt like a helpless, shameful victim  her whole life". This is my mission...

AND I ACCEPT!





What up fool? GRRRRRRR!



*Cue Stevie Wonder's "She's A Bad Mamma Jamma"...perviously unofficial but now supa official theme song of Earliana McLaurin....*

Stay Phab Yall!

-Earl