So, I am in infatuation with a guy. He shall remain nameless cause who knows how apeshit I'm gonna go here. Basically he's one of those guys you meet and can't find anything wrong with him. It also helps that---get this---I've only met him once lol. I know kind of pathetic and kind of intrigues me because NO MAN has EVER made that kind of impression on me. It must also be stated that I pretty much HATE dating and have given up. A lot of this actually has to do with my weight. It's funny cause my shrink (therapist) and I often get into debates about that last statement and hence why I am putting this blog here. I'm trying to "be real" so don't judge me yet lol... I used to think that men only saw what was on the outside. And as a 5'7.5 obese woman that spells doom lol. But then as I have matured and met more mature men, it has come to my attention that perhaps there are a small percentage of men who actually value things other than how hot a chick looks in skin tight jeggings. Now here is where me and my therapist and I disagree...I still think that men value their attraction to the outside FIRST it's natural and it seems---and I'm not trying to man hate here I'm just saying but it seems---- like most men are kind of simply hardwired to think that. Girl. Boobs. Hot. lol. And to me, men who have tried to talk to me or thrown some interest in me do it not because they are attracted to me physically but because of my personality. Now every once and while there is an exception. Just this past Saturday some random guy bought my $3 PBR and just walked away. It was very odd cause I'd just sat down, no convo nothing. He just saw me and reacted. Clearly he liked what he saw cause he sprang for the Pabst lol. But I sometimes feel that the MAJORITY of men simply "tolerate" big women. I mean who wouldn't want to bang someone who looks like Kim Kardashian or Megan Fox, or Beyonce? Or better yet how about the girl next door....you know those girls 5'5, skinny or "thick" (a.k.a fat in all the right places), plain hair, sweet disposition....yeah NOT me. And not to be all hollywood but I'm kind of reminded of Glee's bullying episode this weekend (hate me later for the Glee reference lol)...I already realize I have put these girls (the preferred type girls I mentioned above) on a pedestal thats why I envy them. Yes men love them but...and here's my shrinks opinion lol...because there a few men out there who actually find some bigger women attractive I should deduce that my evaluation of how men think can't be correct. Note I said should because I think she's FOS because I've done the leg work! And if you're a big girl who's ever been out with her skinny friends then you know where I'm coming from (its the DUFF Syndrome---being treated like the Designated Ugly Fat Friend). And I know it's easy to say "well if you weren't so anal or treated YOURSELF like a D.U.F.F. men could get to know you" and you're probably right lol. But I will counter with this...I want to meet someone I am attracted to, who lives in this friggin state, and is attracted to me not IN SPITE of my weight or even because of it (there are men who just love fat women because they're fat, like it's a fetish or something...?), but because they want to both touch me AND talk to me. I think we all know this feeling...when you meet someone and all you want to do is wrap your arms around them and talk about stupid shit as they hold you. That feeling of just being close and sharing a moment with someone who "gets" you? Ugh...wasn't expecting that emotional revelation....I spose' this is the first "lovin myself first" blog...ugh squared... It's only 9:03am am I already need a dam drink lol...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Okay...gonna blog then be done...
Okay, so I have been majorly avoiding this subject but since I am a naturally expressive person trying to keep any thought in my head for too long is pretty much impossible lol. I also warn you that this is one of those super personal blogs so if you are uncomfortable or have some pithy dating advise to give me please KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF! I see a shrink for that crap. I am also working on 4 hours of sleep and apologize in advance for my extreme crankiness lol. 
So, I am in infatuation with a guy. He shall remain nameless cause who knows how apeshit I'm gonna go here. Basically he's one of those guys you meet and can't find anything wrong with him. It also helps that---get this---I've only met him once lol. I know kind of pathetic and kind of intrigues me because NO MAN has EVER made that kind of impression on me. It must also be stated that I pretty much HATE dating and have given up. A lot of this actually has to do with my weight. It's funny cause my shrink (therapist) and I often get into debates about that last statement and hence why I am putting this blog here. I'm trying to "be real" so don't judge me yet lol... I used to think that men only saw what was on the outside. And as a 5'7.5 obese woman that spells doom lol. But then as I have matured and met more mature men, it has come to my attention that perhaps there are a small percentage of men who actually value things other than how hot a chick looks in skin tight jeggings. Now here is where me and my therapist and I disagree...I still think that men value their attraction to the outside FIRST it's natural and it seems---and I'm not trying to man hate here I'm just saying but it seems---- like most men are kind of simply hardwired to think that. Girl. Boobs. Hot. lol. And to me, men who have tried to talk to me or thrown some interest in me do it not because they are attracted to me physically but because of my personality. Now every once and while there is an exception. Just this past Saturday some random guy bought my $3 PBR and just walked away. It was very odd cause I'd just sat down, no convo nothing. He just saw me and reacted. Clearly he liked what he saw cause he sprang for the Pabst lol. But I sometimes feel that the MAJORITY of men simply "tolerate" big women. I mean who wouldn't want to bang someone who looks like Kim Kardashian or Megan Fox, or Beyonce? Or better yet how about the girl next door....you know those girls 5'5, skinny or "thick" (a.k.a fat in all the right places), plain hair, sweet disposition....yeah NOT me. And not to be all hollywood but I'm kind of reminded of Glee's bullying episode this weekend (hate me later for the Glee reference lol)...I already realize I have put these girls (the preferred type girls I mentioned above) on a pedestal thats why I envy them. Yes men love them but...and here's my shrinks opinion lol...because there a few men out there who actually find some bigger women attractive I should deduce that my evaluation of how men think can't be correct. Note I said should because I think she's FOS because I've done the leg work! And if you're a big girl who's ever been out with her skinny friends then you know where I'm coming from (its the DUFF Syndrome---being treated like the Designated Ugly Fat Friend). And I know it's easy to say "well if you weren't so anal or treated YOURSELF like a D.U.F.F. men could get to know you" and you're probably right lol. But I will counter with this...I want to meet someone I am attracted to, who lives in this friggin state, and is attracted to me not IN SPITE of my weight or even because of it (there are men who just love fat women because they're fat, like it's a fetish or something...?), but because they want to both touch me AND talk to me. I think we all know this feeling...when you meet someone and all you want to do is wrap your arms around them and talk about stupid shit as they hold you. That feeling of just being close and sharing a moment with someone who "gets" you? Ugh...wasn't expecting that emotional revelation....I spose' this is the first "lovin myself first" blog...ugh squared... It's only 9:03am am I already need a dam drink lol...
So, I am in infatuation with a guy. He shall remain nameless cause who knows how apeshit I'm gonna go here. Basically he's one of those guys you meet and can't find anything wrong with him. It also helps that---get this---I've only met him once lol. I know kind of pathetic and kind of intrigues me because NO MAN has EVER made that kind of impression on me. It must also be stated that I pretty much HATE dating and have given up. A lot of this actually has to do with my weight. It's funny cause my shrink (therapist) and I often get into debates about that last statement and hence why I am putting this blog here. I'm trying to "be real" so don't judge me yet lol... I used to think that men only saw what was on the outside. And as a 5'7.5 obese woman that spells doom lol. But then as I have matured and met more mature men, it has come to my attention that perhaps there are a small percentage of men who actually value things other than how hot a chick looks in skin tight jeggings. Now here is where me and my therapist and I disagree...I still think that men value their attraction to the outside FIRST it's natural and it seems---and I'm not trying to man hate here I'm just saying but it seems---- like most men are kind of simply hardwired to think that. Girl. Boobs. Hot. lol. And to me, men who have tried to talk to me or thrown some interest in me do it not because they are attracted to me physically but because of my personality. Now every once and while there is an exception. Just this past Saturday some random guy bought my $3 PBR and just walked away. It was very odd cause I'd just sat down, no convo nothing. He just saw me and reacted. Clearly he liked what he saw cause he sprang for the Pabst lol. But I sometimes feel that the MAJORITY of men simply "tolerate" big women. I mean who wouldn't want to bang someone who looks like Kim Kardashian or Megan Fox, or Beyonce? Or better yet how about the girl next door....you know those girls 5'5, skinny or "thick" (a.k.a fat in all the right places), plain hair, sweet disposition....yeah NOT me. And not to be all hollywood but I'm kind of reminded of Glee's bullying episode this weekend (hate me later for the Glee reference lol)...I already realize I have put these girls (the preferred type girls I mentioned above) on a pedestal thats why I envy them. Yes men love them but...and here's my shrinks opinion lol...because there a few men out there who actually find some bigger women attractive I should deduce that my evaluation of how men think can't be correct. Note I said should because I think she's FOS because I've done the leg work! And if you're a big girl who's ever been out with her skinny friends then you know where I'm coming from (its the DUFF Syndrome---being treated like the Designated Ugly Fat Friend). And I know it's easy to say "well if you weren't so anal or treated YOURSELF like a D.U.F.F. men could get to know you" and you're probably right lol. But I will counter with this...I want to meet someone I am attracted to, who lives in this friggin state, and is attracted to me not IN SPITE of my weight or even because of it (there are men who just love fat women because they're fat, like it's a fetish or something...?), but because they want to both touch me AND talk to me. I think we all know this feeling...when you meet someone and all you want to do is wrap your arms around them and talk about stupid shit as they hold you. That feeling of just being close and sharing a moment with someone who "gets" you? Ugh...wasn't expecting that emotional revelation....I spose' this is the first "lovin myself first" blog...ugh squared... It's only 9:03am am I already need a dam drink lol...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Bootlegger Tips...
Gonna churn out few of these that I am copywriting right now so use em but don't even think about doing anything in the realm of putting them into a book!
Bootlegger Tip #1
Want to make a dish with ground beef but hate that lean ground beef costs more than the regular ol' 85' 15? Or do you just gag at the smell of cooked ground turkey (I know I do lol)? Then here's a tip for you....Warning: I wouldn't try this with anything less than 85/15 just because of the method used.
So...buy that 85/15, saute and season your meat, and then throw it in a pasta strainer. I like to grab a spatula to help press the grease out of the meat. Now some people like to actually rinse their ground beef but you loose the over all flavor of the meat and you rinse off all the seasoning you just put into your meat! I can't say how much it helps, but I know I feel better knowing I'm eating something that's lower in saturated fat and still tasty.
Bootlegger Mini Tip...
Need two lbs of ground beef? Use 1 lb of strained 85/15 and 2 cups (ish) of cooked lentils! The great thing about lentils is they absorb any flavor you put in them, so believe me you won't be able to tell the difference lol.
Bootlegger Tip #1
Want to make a dish with ground beef but hate that lean ground beef costs more than the regular ol' 85' 15? Or do you just gag at the smell of cooked ground turkey (I know I do lol)? Then here's a tip for you....Warning: I wouldn't try this with anything less than 85/15 just because of the method used.
So...buy that 85/15, saute and season your meat, and then throw it in a pasta strainer. I like to grab a spatula to help press the grease out of the meat. Now some people like to actually rinse their ground beef but you loose the over all flavor of the meat and you rinse off all the seasoning you just put into your meat! I can't say how much it helps, but I know I feel better knowing I'm eating something that's lower in saturated fat and still tasty.
Bootlegger Mini Tip...
Need two lbs of ground beef? Use 1 lb of strained 85/15 and 2 cups (ish) of cooked lentils! The great thing about lentils is they absorb any flavor you put in them, so believe me you won't be able to tell the difference lol.
New Food Find: Trader Joe's "21 Seasoning Salute" No Salt Seasoning
So, the cheap-o generic no-salt seasoning I have just ain't been getting it. And in an effort to cut back on my salt intake (I used to cook with not even a spec of salt), I picked up Trader Joe's "21 Seasoning Salute". I love the flavor of this, though I have a feeling I'm going to mainly use this on meat. as it is, every time I smell it all I want to do is roast a steak lol. I think it was $2.99. good stuff.Addendum: Tried this on some bland ol rice with veggies (It was one of those 'Steamer" bags form the frozen section) and boy did it kick it up a notch! I think I may have used a scooch of lite margarine too, but it was soooo much better than the plain steamed version I tried last month and have rightly not tried again cause it was so BLAND! lol....lol....
Progress Check In...
I think this is the second one this week...oh well, I choose to note progress or non-progress when I see fit lol (I love this no rules blog thing). So, I officially weighed in for this week. I'm up a pound but it's watev. Here's some of the lowlights and highlights of this week:
In general, I'm trying to stick to my journaling motto of "journal it and forget it". Like right now just to make me journal I'm trying to not look at the numbers or get to caught up in the math. Just put it in, see if I go over and close the dam thing lol. I know some people get caught up in the numbers but I did that one time and I got tired of having to do 30 minutes of math to create a meal because everything I was eating I was cooking. Now that I have welcomed processed foods back into my life it helps with the journaling.
Speaking of my food choices...
I'm still limiting my processed foods to snacks and frozen dinners. It saves me so much friggin time packing my bag of food in the morning. And yes, I have totally turned into one of those people who pack a dam cooler's worth (though I refuse to put mine in a cooler, jewel's bag it will be) of food everyday. I mean it's both the hard part of losing wight and working full time and a good thing. Bad because you have to buy food that will taste okay nuked (I prefer hot food) and will last all day, but good because you know at 8am exactly what you're going to eat which means you only have to point ONCE a day lol. Okay gonna ramble off random thoughts right now...
Lack of Sandwhich Making....
In lieu of the loaf of bread I threw away yesterday that was moist on the bottom and hard on the top (ewwwww)....I can't believe I can't get BACK into the habit of making sandwiches. I think in 2005/6 when I first started WW, I broke myself of it because I was having portion control issues with the meat and the bread was like 2pts a piece. And it's crazy cause I used to be a sandwich eating machine but now I seriously can't get back into it. I mean for the last 6months to a year every time I buy lunch meat it goes bad and since I'm trying to hold fast to my "don't eat bad food just because it's convenient" rule (McDonald's is the exception tho my choices there have become pretty limited)....I don't buy bologna anymore not even the turkey kind. If I'm going to eat lunch meat I want the real deal! I usually find the ham on sale, and I only like the flavored turkey breast but then I don't make any dam sandwiches! I have kept my habit of buying snack size bags of chips for my sandwiches that I never make tho. First on the bread....I can't afford 1 pt bread. Sorry I'll eat less meat and choose a healthy bread worth two points over the opposite any day. And say what you want but when I eat a sandwich I need a bag of chips, so I buy the snack size ones. Remember it's not about eliminating, but everything in moderation right? Only problem is now I have these chips lying around that I eat for snacks which I can't just stop at one bag lol. Crazy. And I love PB and J's but PB&J with chips is just unnatural lol. So, for now since I know I prefer hot food, I will continue to buy a few more frozen dinners (they're so expensive you know you can only buy a couple at a time lol) and be mindful about my leftovers. But making sandwiches would help with the "pack three meals a day" thing.
Lowlights (yeah let's just get em out the way....)
- Did not point Wed or Thurs---BUT this was due to SNOWMAGEDDON 2011. I couldn't get the online tracker to come up (I tried for like 30 minutes several times). And I could do the paper journaling cause I don't have the new stuff. I did however, today go in and just put my max points in. I mean I know I ate like a pigg-o (and enjoyed it fuckers lol) so the max is not too too far off.
- Did not do my 16cts of choreography.
HIGHLIGHTS! (boo to the yow)
- Shoveled for 45 minutes with a 3ft shovel to get my car out lol.
- Then, AFTER shoveling for 45 minutes, I went for a ONE HOUR photo walk around my neighborhood surveying the wrath of Snowmageddon 2011 (there were downed branches due to the lighting and thundersnow eek!)
- Did 20 pushups last night (10 was from last week!)---the grunting/pissed off feeling help energize me into that second set. Loved getting that aggression of not having done the stupid ten pushups done out. This is a good sign...me voluntarily pushing myself to do crap I don't like...Maybe I'll move to my dance tapes soon!)
- Did 20 minutes of yoga last night...my back thanks me. Just wish I wouldn't have then slept weirdly on my couch lmao!
In general, I'm trying to stick to my journaling motto of "journal it and forget it". Like right now just to make me journal I'm trying to not look at the numbers or get to caught up in the math. Just put it in, see if I go over and close the dam thing lol. I know some people get caught up in the numbers but I did that one time and I got tired of having to do 30 minutes of math to create a meal because everything I was eating I was cooking. Now that I have welcomed processed foods back into my life it helps with the journaling.
Speaking of my food choices...
I'm still limiting my processed foods to snacks and frozen dinners. It saves me so much friggin time packing my bag of food in the morning. And yes, I have totally turned into one of those people who pack a dam cooler's worth (though I refuse to put mine in a cooler, jewel's bag it will be) of food everyday. I mean it's both the hard part of losing wight and working full time and a good thing. Bad because you have to buy food that will taste okay nuked (I prefer hot food) and will last all day, but good because you know at 8am exactly what you're going to eat which means you only have to point ONCE a day lol. Okay gonna ramble off random thoughts right now...
Lack of Sandwhich Making....
In lieu of the loaf of bread I threw away yesterday that was moist on the bottom and hard on the top (ewwwww)....I can't believe I can't get BACK into the habit of making sandwiches. I think in 2005/6 when I first started WW, I broke myself of it because I was having portion control issues with the meat and the bread was like 2pts a piece. And it's crazy cause I used to be a sandwich eating machine but now I seriously can't get back into it. I mean for the last 6months to a year every time I buy lunch meat it goes bad and since I'm trying to hold fast to my "don't eat bad food just because it's convenient" rule (McDonald's is the exception tho my choices there have become pretty limited)....I don't buy bologna anymore not even the turkey kind. If I'm going to eat lunch meat I want the real deal! I usually find the ham on sale, and I only like the flavored turkey breast but then I don't make any dam sandwiches! I have kept my habit of buying snack size bags of chips for my sandwiches that I never make tho. First on the bread....I can't afford 1 pt bread. Sorry I'll eat less meat and choose a healthy bread worth two points over the opposite any day. And say what you want but when I eat a sandwich I need a bag of chips, so I buy the snack size ones. Remember it's not about eliminating, but everything in moderation right? Only problem is now I have these chips lying around that I eat for snacks which I can't just stop at one bag lol. Crazy. And I love PB and J's but PB&J with chips is just unnatural lol. So, for now since I know I prefer hot food, I will continue to buy a few more frozen dinners (they're so expensive you know you can only buy a couple at a time lol) and be mindful about my leftovers. But making sandwiches would help with the "pack three meals a day" thing.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Confused...
yes I have moments like this, don't judge punk lol... Okay so, I did my progress post and came to my front page to see my old headshot. So then I was like "Oh shit I gots to get the new headshot up, cause it's divalicious". 
Then I immediately thought how is it that I can get dressed up and feel so empowered one day and on a different day put on the same outfit and feel like crap? And no it's not just the hormones either guys lol. This why I struggle with the whole "why I'm losin weight thing". There have been lots of phabulously curvy women out there who work being plus sized and get the hottest men. I, like a jealous asshole, always secretly think " oh he just wants her cause she's probably desperate" to make myself feel better but then I get my guts ripped rightly out every time I see a big girl with a hot guy in a LONG TERM relationship or married. Then what's my excuse to hate on her or myself? It's a matter of truly believing EVERYDAY that I am phabulous! That is something I strive for. THAT is a goal I want to reach. Screw losing 25 by July, if I could truly accept myself to a non-therapy degree (no one loves their body all the time not even the stars or there wouldn't be anyone to throw up in fancy Hollywood restaurants lol) I would be the happiest Earl I could be not despite my size but AT any size (just teared up on that one...whew....)!
Then I immediately thought how is it that I can get dressed up and feel so empowered one day and on a different day put on the same outfit and feel like crap? And no it's not just the hormones either guys lol. This why I struggle with the whole "why I'm losin weight thing". There have been lots of phabulously curvy women out there who work being plus sized and get the hottest men. I, like a jealous asshole, always secretly think " oh he just wants her cause she's probably desperate" to make myself feel better but then I get my guts ripped rightly out every time I see a big girl with a hot guy in a LONG TERM relationship or married. Then what's my excuse to hate on her or myself? It's a matter of truly believing EVERYDAY that I am phabulous! That is something I strive for. THAT is a goal I want to reach. Screw losing 25 by July, if I could truly accept myself to a non-therapy degree (no one loves their body all the time not even the stars or there wouldn't be anyone to throw up in fancy Hollywood restaurants lol) I would be the happiest Earl I could be not despite my size but AT any size (just teared up on that one...whew....)!
Progress...Two Weeks
So, it only took me two weeks but I had my first on point day! It felt good (like this just might be possible). So in light of that I wanted to note things what are working:
- I think I have CUT my afternoon candy habit! I haven't eaten candy at work for 2 weeks! NOW THAT IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE! Boo to the friggin yow! I mean I don't even like chocolate and candy like I used to but I started working at my current job with all the kids and candy bowls that my sweet tooth reemerged...literally. I'm happy I've cut this out for dental reasons more than health! Ouch! So what have I been doing...something I've heard before and finally decided to try...I went to Walgreens and got some $1 dried dates and figs and a $3 can of unsalted roasted peanuts. I pack a little plastic container and boo yow. I don't even need that much because the dam dried fruit is so sweet you only need like 2-3 of each, and I actually....hold the presses...
- GOT OUT MY FOOD SCALE! Yes I did, and actually MEASURED my peanuts lol. 2 ozs to be exact. And when you point it. it seems like a lot but for a couple of days I've only eaten half of that.
- I AM STILL JOUNRALING! Sometimes I forget things but I am holding fast to my journaling motto "Journaling...I fuckin' hate you, so I will point and go before I catch a case". LOL. Like I love that WW keeps all of your user created shit no matter how many times you come to the site. Meaning I have a lot of my saved low fat recipes but now the points are all wrong. When I start compiling my recipes for my cookbook I will have to redo those....
Dam excusin...
Just wanted to note that I still haven't done my push ups or 16cts. But I did buy 4 zumba classes! Am also going to force myself to workout on tomorrow's confirmed SNOW DAY!!!!
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