Yo...wtf?

Wassssuuuppp! I still can't believe how much more relaxed I've been since Lovefest 2011. I mean, I didn't even realize how much of that negative crap I was carrying with me everywhere. How much of it I thought was so "unconcious" when it was apparently on my mind 24 hours a day. Yeah...that's my m.o.....too much self induced pressure equals emotional diarraea/meltdown. LOL. I'm really thankful that I've found something (loving myself) to work on keeping the stress down. Something that is keeping me waayyy more focused than getting a man or losing weight or even succeeding at acting lol. However, in terms of losing weight...I have been eating a tad crazy. Well crazy for me lol. I don't know if it's a result of being on meds to get over this sinus thing, my flared up leg pain easing, or Lovefest 2011, but eating has been such a second thought this week lol. Let me draw you a picture....with yesterday's menu....

Breakfast...a baked chicken leg and 3 cubes of cheese lol.
Lunch....an orange chicken smart one.
Dinner...chicken sandwich with asparagus.
Snacks... 2 oz's of nuts and yogurt covered raisins and an orange.

And that's it lol.

YEAH FOR REALSIES!

And besides lunch I was oddly satisfied after each meal (I ate some of my snack to aid the "I'm still hungry after this Smart One meal" thing. We've all been there lol.) It's been like this all week. So weird. It's like it's just not that important. I said I was going to shed the things that no longer serve me and I refuse to believe that during Lovefest 2011 I shed stressing over my weight. I mean I've been so good at it for 29 years I doubt one emotional breakdown could change THAT. Am kidding lol.

Who knows I'm just riding the "calm" train lol. I mean I've still been dealt stressful situations (had a performance this week, rehearsal, work demands) but everyday I don't dread coming to work, or stress about what I'm eating, or that much at all. I'm telling you it's strange to feel so....empty in a GOOD way lol. It just reminds me how much energy I was giving to basically berating myself. But for people who are really ambitious people and artists in particular I think this is their majorly life long hard balancing act----How to ENJOY success even when we don't see it for what it is. Like the fact that I've found a way to stomach my day time job is a major success I haven't been recognizing choosing to simply focus on that fact that I'm still here lol. Focusing on my success of surviving the crazy at my job has actually given me a little more confidence at my job ( I know crazy... lol) . Even when I've screwed up this week, I've remembered that I've come a LOOONNNG way since I started here lol. In terms of weight loss...I've been simply denying what people have been telling me for months which is that, though I know I haven't lost a significant amount of weight, people have been telling me that it looked like I was really loosing weight. Of course trying to not get excited and then letting myself down I've simply dismissed all of those compliments with "people who have no idea how much weight I need to loose" lol. As a result of course I've focused on that dam scale and missed that perhaps my weight has shifted. I think once I can pin down Daniel from BBT I'm going to get my measurements taken again and see how much has really changed since September 2010. I think I might----well...I think I WILL find that Earl has been wayyyyy to hard on herself about her weight AND that all of those nice people have been able to see what Earl hasn't allowed herself to see because she's been soooo "goal" focused. No judgement there, as it's natural...I just have to admit it, realize it, and let it go for the future lol.

Okay enough blowing smoke up your ass---gahhhh see I'm doing it! Okay...this is stupid...

What I've been unwilling to admit, covering it up with lots of sarcasm is that this week I think I actually genuinely feel happy right now. Geez why was that so hard to spit out lol. I guess the turnaround was so quick that I've been dismissing it. I mean during Lovefest 2011 I did admit some big time life revelations while letting things out that I've been holding in for a while....but how can I be happier already? I mean I don't even know how to really love myself (though I'm keeping a list of ideas) or how the different issues in my life will turn out but....you see THIS is how I think lol. Always so logical, thinking about the next logival step but I'm in uncharted territory here. Loving myself....whew just saying that is scary lol. I mean people date and loose weight and get jobs sometimes repeatedly in their life lol. But can you truly love yourself if you have to consciously do it repeatedly lol? Yes I am an anxiety ridden over achieving analyzer lol...but...and I don't know many (any lol) answers to the questions I've poses but I do think I am simply changing. Like when I started making myself okay with simply paying my bills regularly instead of freaking out over the overall larger amounts lol. That was Ragefest 2007 which is a whole nother blog...maybe I'll repost that one day lol. But in an effort to treating myself with "loving kindness", I'm going to offer end this no-answers blog with this...

I am happy with my life...this week lol.

Yeah...I'm okay declaring that much lol. One day at a time, one week at a time...shedding the things that no longer serve me in an effort to keep loving kindness at the center of my relationship with Earl....I know sounds like psycho mumbo jumbo (that I created WITH my therapist...she's a guide not my keeper lol) but I'm giving it a real shot and I am feeling better as a result...so there!

Phaboliciously Yours,

Earl

...OMG....

So, after 2 and half months of futility (and weight gain)....I HAVE LOST 6 LBS! Now I haven't weighed myself in like 2-3 weeks so it's not like it all came off at once but....I almost cried. I had to have two other people verify this at the scale with me which I never do lol. OMG...I'm 320lbs which is the lowest I've been since 2006!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!

Well, I know you are like "well what happened, how'd you do it." Well....it's pretty simple. I stopped "trying to loose weight" and simply did what felt right. Or in essence I stopped caring so dam much about EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING IN MY LIFE lol. In terms of weightloss... I've tried to eat the minimum, which for me is like one regular portion of an item. I haven't exercised , but I also haven't sat down much. Between rehearsals, two jobs, and meetings lol. I think I needed a week to just live my life WITHOUT thinking about my waistline FIRST. I suppose being sick also played a factor but more with my vision than with my stomach lololol...

In terms of my life...maybe it's like my good friend Andy Looney posted on my FB wall...in order to find love or in this case...succeed at weight loss---I need to remove the barriers preventing my success at weight loss. Of course I immediately thought...barriers...um not exercising, not eating right, bad portions..yadda yadda yadda. I'm pretty good at knowing exactly what I CAN'T do lol. But I decided to focus on something a bit more emotionally tied in. Stress.

Yup, for me, I'm seeing that stress....SUCKS lol. I mean anyone can read this blog and see that I have clearly been thinking about my weight a fair amount lol. However, the snot filled Lovefest epiphany I had last weekend released A LOAD of stress off my back. I realized my unhappiness was not due to my weight, or men, or the success of my acting career, or my job....yes those things are major stressors in my life but the bottom line issue is that I don't love myself enough to know, for example, when to just give myself a break!

When to say Earl you may not have reached your goal or failed art your gial but you, the person are NOT a failure. You will have more time and even if you feel you don't, you're still gonna be here (god willing) to start the adventure (or a new one) again! My shrink mentioned that basically we negate ourselves a lot instead of the behaviors we don't like that we do. We figure that the two are the same. Well, they're not lol....at least I am choosing, for the first time, to separate the two (Lord knows the other way hasn't gotten me much lol).

This past week I have been soooo much more focused on work. I've naturally eaten better for the simple fact that I DIDN'T MAKE IT THAT IMPORTANT. What I've tried to focus on everyday, more than anything...has been simply being happy. Looking at stressful situations and thinking in terms of how can deal with this that's going to make me happy? And further more, after I make my decision I want to be done with it. Like in terms of my job, I just made some decisions on how I'm going to approach my job from now on. What I will and won't do and THAT'S THAT. No more debate, no more beating myself for having a job that it's my passion, no more trying to make it more than it will never be----and no more judging it. I come in, do my job to the best of my ability and I leave.

Instead of saying like I've said for too long that "I don't want to think about or stress about this" I'm simply doing it. I let it go during Lovefest 2011 because I saw that I was running around the same locked cage in circles instead of taking time to check out the cage and make the best of the situation. I'm not going to stress about something I have no power to control or change and that really I don't like that much so why give it that much energy? lol I mean I do my job and I do it to the best of my ability but due to circumstances outside my control even if I loved my job I still wouldn't be able to really do my job like I'D want to lol. I mean I think we'd all like Life on our own terms...and we strive for that...but some things just aren't in our control lol. So, do you stress over it, give up, ignore it?...well I tried all that with my job. But I never tried just accepting it for what it is and focusing on what I can effect. So that's how I'm going to go forward. To be clear....do I like my job now...NO....it is Dumb Ass Monday as usual...YES. But do I expect anything more...NO. It is what it is and that is OKAY WITH ME!

In terms of men...that's going to be a longer journey lol. One mental breakdown and resulting epiphany at a time please...:).

This all rolls into my loving myself thing I'm working on...

Patience with myself is one way I've found of loving myself. It's kind of a large factor in my stress and anxiety levels come to find out lol. Always wanting things done yesterday or to a certain degree. Now for someone as ambitious as me ,that's kind of hard but I'm everyday trying to remind myself to be patient with myself. I'm not a robot, so even the best laid plans get blown to hell. But again, knowing that I push myself extremely hard, working on being patient with myself is a good idea for me to latch on to for now. Then when I think I can move onto another idea that will help me learn to love Earl a bit more I will. Who knows...this could also be a large amount of horseshit as well lol....but it feels good to focus on something that is wel... uncharted territory for me...which means...someones on another one of Life's many adventures!

Perhaps this will end up like The Dark Knight...someone fallin off a building (i.e. me loosing my mind lol)...or perhaps this will be like one of the greatest adventure films ever made...Indiana Johns and the Temple of Doom....a great adventure, where I may encounter snakes (crazy people), rough terrain (interesting situations), and large boulders (??? lol)...an an adventure so fun that it may spawn several sequels or more life adventures for Earl??? Who knows...I bout blew my own mind trying to keep that action movie and life metaphor going...lol...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Phorever Phabulously Yours,

Earliana "Earl" McLaurin

Subtley is? Your Thing...lol

First three songs heard on the radio the morning after Lovefest 2011..."Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie...."Born This Way" by Lady Gaga...."You Are Perfect" by Pink.....the powers that be are not being very subtle this morning but that's okay. Kinda makes me feel like maybe they're listening :).

-E

...being an artist...

"...Dammit you know you're a creative or artist type when you have an original (at leaast at the time that's what you think) thought about yourself or the world around you and you think about it so much it gets to a point where it either drives you fuckin nuts or you express it creatively..."

-Earl....five minutes ago...

For Anyone Who's Ever Felt Ugly....a.k.a. Lovefest 2011...

I just came back from seeing “Beastly” with Vanessa Hudgens. To some up how I felt about this movie, I walked out of the theatre and looked up to orange tinted purple Chicago sky and I just wanted to scream out to God. Beggin him why all I see is UGLY around me. An ugly Earl a flawed Earl. Then the flood gates pretty much got flung open as I cried all the way home. As much as this teen flick should not have affected me, I guess emotionally I never left Jr. High. I still smack guys when I want to get their attention, I think flowers, candy, and teddy bears are both tacky and romantic. Partially because I’ve never received any from anyone else from my mother. I started thinking about how I pathetic I SAW myself and immediately I was like I need to see mytherapist and that…I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I know this has been a battle I have been fighting since I was pretty much 10 years old. I even thought earlier this evening that maybe my problem was I just needed to get the Lap band. But I see now that I am so fucked up emotionally that though my waistline may change I need to start loving myself and not just putting on the face of “confidence”.

I can’t live my life hating every woman for being something I think is better than me.

I can’t keep living my life hating every man because I think he will hurt me or reject me.

I can’t keep living my life both stuck in the mirror and one foot in the door of self awareness and freedom from the emotional shit that no longer serves me.

I was talking to my friend Mary today and I’ve been posting this on facebook a while that I needed to make a change. I thought maybe it was a new job…god knows I hate it enough. And then part of me was like maybe it’s my body. This weight. Then I had to distract myself as I realized I was going down “that” path. The path where Earl is bad in every way. I mean that’s the short version of my depressive self depreciation. I even had a half a drink but that didn’t make it go away. So in an effort to not climb the walls that’s how ended up treating myself to a movie. “Beastly” is a take on Beauty and the Beast. It intrigued me and somewhere deep down I thought maybe it’d make me feel better. Not make me go through this really emotional self reflective thing. To be honest the hottie who played the beast was cute but not that great of an actor and though Vanessa Hudgens of high school musical fame is very pretty she was basically eye candy. The point being I realized that someone will always think I’m ugly and as much as I want to believe there’s no one out there for me to see how beautiful I am I will say this…I really don’t know if I believe in that or how to be better but I know that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I told myself to get a grip. I can’t be the ugliest thing out there. That’s when it really hit me that I SEE MYSELF LIKE THAT…more than anyone. I mean beastie in the movie was pretty messed up physically….scars and staples all along his face, bright bloody viens with copper pieces stuck in everywhere. Tatooes in fused between all of that. He was pretty scarred. "I’m ot that messed up" is what I thought...then 2 seconds later I started thinking "well that’s just a movie. In real life people do walk right past you and say mean things behind your back or with a look or with silence." YES, I started comparing my face to his! WTF! And then I thought Earl it can’t be that bad…GET A GRIP. Thinking like that will drive you nuts. Then I was like I need an anti depressive and to talk to my therapist lol. But I started saying something else wayyyy in the back of my head….I'd thought about it Friday when I had mental breakdown number 2 (this is number three for those keeping track)….I AM BETTER THAN THIS. I am too good a person to keep destroying myself mentally every time I see a love story, or read a book about two people in love, or watch two people hold hands. Yeah I ain’t gotta love it but I need to learn to not let it tear me apart like this. I realized I can’t be anything in this world if I don’t learn to love myself. And I be dam if I do something stupid and let “them” win. The douche bag assholes who don’t see me, the “weak” Earl who sees nothing but the bad in the mirror, every negative thought that tears me down…I don’t want to make them right. I want to beat this. More than I want to loose weight, or become a famous actor, writer, whatever…I can’t succeed at anything until I start to learn to love me. And not every 8 months when I freak out like this and pack it down until I’m ready for my therapist to talk me down from whatever emotional ledge I'm teetering on. Hell that may be all I can do...but from now on loving me...hell liking me as I am has to be my first and foremost goal for a while…… p.s. To all my friends...I am fine no need for any "well being" checks or comments, I just had a very real moment that I needed to share. Part of making me a better Earl is to stop hiding all the stuff I think is "bad" about me...it's part of who I am. For better or worse lol. Just needed to speak my mind and let it go... p.s.s. And if you comment on this note...good or bad I will delete it. I kind of just want this to sit out there...I revealed a lot of things about myself and again I just to need to let it sit out there for a moment without any judgement good or bad because I don't know how I feel about it lol...it's complicated lol.

Day One Health....

I've decided that I really need to make a change....I'm not happy with a few things in my life and again I'll spare you the self deprecation and get to the heart of it. My period came on and kicked my bad nerve into high gear and I'm just not feeling it anymore. Being in pain, over weight, not able to exercise cause of the dam leg, not journaling, losing weight...I'm tired of it all. And though I'd love to quit my job that's not one thing I can change right now that's making me happy but I can change my weight...how is a different story. I went to the DayOne Health center's page. Should I get the lap band this is the place I want to do it. I registered to get more information and for their online introduction seminar. I have not viewed the seminar yet and I'm going to put it off until I see my shrink on Thurs. I just needed to feel like some progress---even the "cheating" kind---has been made on my body. Yes, I still see the Lap Band as cheating and I'm terrified of getting it and STILL failing but at this point I AM AT MY WITS END WITH THIS CRAP AND I AM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT MY WEIGHT AND BODY EVERY SINGLE F-ING DAY! There I said it, and I'm done... -E

Primal Instinct!

So, I haven't blogged in a few days....needed to give myself some distance from last weekend. It's been my experience that the more I write and dwell on something negative, the longer the crappy feelings stay lol. I mean I'm not all happy go lucky now but in all of this "wonderful self discovery" I have clung to the one thing I know that gives me joy and allows be get through the shitty parts of adulthood and that's ...theatre.

Right now, I'm in a staged reading for my theatre company, Bareboned Theatre. I'm reading the lead so, it's making me stay focused on the text and that's where I'm at my best! I've done a lot of first person narratives or funny stuff in the last year, but when I can get into a script and find all the different levels and start making thematic connections not only do I feel like the thousands of dollars I have in school loans are worth it, if gives me a brief chance to actually use my brain and do what I'm not only good at (not bragging just trying to be positive lol) but I'm PASSIONATE about.

I've also had my first rehearsal for my storytelling piece on March 30th and I am so psyched. It's pretty tight, I just need to solidify some of my character choices. I just wish my friend Katie could be there (Katie if you ever read this I am not trying to make you feel bad! Keep reading there is a deeper point I swear!). Not only because she's a major player in the story but because I want her to understand and I think she knows by the way I act, but really know on a deeper level how hard it is for me to be open to dating. It's not just a "he'll think I'm too fat" thing. It's a "he'll never understand me/I'm too different/I'm too busy/I'm too everything that will cover the fact that I'm simply scared of the "man" unknown" lol.

And I'm not just talking about "getting hurt" or rejected. Men think sooooo differently from us that when they do do something stupid it's hard to know when it's intentional and when they just don't get it lol. I mean I people watch all the time, but I especially man-watch. How they react to different situations and people. They're actually quite fascinating creatures lol. I have a guy friend, "James", who is very..."open" about his sex life. And like hearing about what he really thinks of these girls, not in malicious way, is like mind blowing. He's also a little impulsive and an artist that has no filter so I probably shouldn't paint all men with his brush. But some of the things he's said it's like "I wonder if men think this about us all the time? Is dating/hooking up really that simple?". I won't divulge the details because he's a good guy and he's very upfront with the women so it's not like he's playing them or anything lol.

But this does bring to light that old Sex and City episode about "having sex like a man". Dude if I could remove the very active diatribe I go through as I'm trying to flirt or speak to a guy I'd be able to have sex like a man. Which as I have observed is pretty instinctive..primal instinct in fact. Meaning, they kind of think like this...."I'm horny, wish I could get off without jackin off. Who do I know will put out and not make a big deal out of it. Someone who's cute enough and just wants to get off too...hmmmm". Okay if you're a guy yes that was a caricature of men, but I don't think it's too far off. Notice how I didn't say too much about what the girl has to look like. This is also the thoughts of a guy who is kind of mature. I mean it's not about games or relationships, but primal instinctual need to be intimate with another human being. I had typed "need to release pen up frustration OR physical intmacy with another human being" but I scratched the first part because if it was all just about a release why don't guys simply jack off all the time, and girls for that matter too??? Yes, we want that release but deep down even the most seasoned of players and/or no-commitment relationshipists (not to be confused with commitment phones...hey some people just don't want to and some shouldn't be in relationships) will admit that it feels better with another person BECAUSE of the imatacy. Give and take. Simple. Primal. Instinctual. ....yup all this coming from a virgin. Again, this is just my OBSERVATIONS. I know I'm painting with a gigantic brush right now lol.

Problem is that not all men think this way. Some like to make it...more difficult really. These are the guys who, let's face it, want to get off by ANY MEANS necessary.

These are the guys who play the games and say what you want to hear to get your panties but will freak when you actually take him serious and want it to go farther. These are the guys who will flirt and tease for attention but have no plans to follow through because they're too scared to tell you they're not attracted to you and just wanted the attention. These are the guys who go to meat market clubs and pick up girls because they assume once a girl gets liquored up she'll be more willing to put out. Now I'm not male bashing here I'm just going off experience here that compared with the guys in the latter group I would rather have a guy like "James" who actually THINKS about hooking up before simply reducing himself to pandering to get laid. I mean we're all adults that why I'm not hating AT ALL on "James".

Once we all reach a certain age, we realize that sex is great but intamacy is a PRIMAL NEED. Don't let the old fogies fool you into thinking that intimacy is not important. Yes, as people get older the need isn't as urgent for sex but you'd be a fool (Miranda) to think it's not important. And yes, that was indeed another Sex In the City reference a-thank you. I've seen some couples gain so much joy from just the intimate action of holding hands, so it doesn't always have to be sex but if you can physically and emotional have sex I bet it's better lol. Again, I'm hypothesizing here. But, I'm betting the guys who make it more diffcult are actually the ones most SCARED of intmacy....and I'm sure some of them are just douchey and don't get it yet. I call this the "fucking around" phase that all men and I think women go through. When they mess around like a dog who's learned a new trick---they'll do it until it no longer interests him. The dog, will them look for something more interesting to keep his attention. It's quite elementary Watson. Okay enough of the psuedo-scientific ramblings....

Periodically Tabled (yeah I typed it...),

Earl