For Anyone Who's Ever Felt Ugly....a.k.a. Lovefest 2011...

I just came back from seeing “Beastly” with Vanessa Hudgens. To some up how I felt about this movie, I walked out of the theatre and looked up to orange tinted purple Chicago sky and I just wanted to scream out to God. Beggin him why all I see is UGLY around me. An ugly Earl a flawed Earl. Then the flood gates pretty much got flung open as I cried all the way home. As much as this teen flick should not have affected me, I guess emotionally I never left Jr. High. I still smack guys when I want to get their attention, I think flowers, candy, and teddy bears are both tacky and romantic. Partially because I’ve never received any from anyone else from my mother. I started thinking about how I pathetic I SAW myself and immediately I was like I need to see mytherapist and that…I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I know this has been a battle I have been fighting since I was pretty much 10 years old. I even thought earlier this evening that maybe my problem was I just needed to get the Lap band. But I see now that I am so fucked up emotionally that though my waistline may change I need to start loving myself and not just putting on the face of “confidence”.

I can’t live my life hating every woman for being something I think is better than me.

I can’t keep living my life hating every man because I think he will hurt me or reject me.

I can’t keep living my life both stuck in the mirror and one foot in the door of self awareness and freedom from the emotional shit that no longer serves me.

I was talking to my friend Mary today and I’ve been posting this on facebook a while that I needed to make a change. I thought maybe it was a new job…god knows I hate it enough. And then part of me was like maybe it’s my body. This weight. Then I had to distract myself as I realized I was going down “that” path. The path where Earl is bad in every way. I mean that’s the short version of my depressive self depreciation. I even had a half a drink but that didn’t make it go away. So in an effort to not climb the walls that’s how ended up treating myself to a movie. “Beastly” is a take on Beauty and the Beast. It intrigued me and somewhere deep down I thought maybe it’d make me feel better. Not make me go through this really emotional self reflective thing. To be honest the hottie who played the beast was cute but not that great of an actor and though Vanessa Hudgens of high school musical fame is very pretty she was basically eye candy. The point being I realized that someone will always think I’m ugly and as much as I want to believe there’s no one out there for me to see how beautiful I am I will say this…I really don’t know if I believe in that or how to be better but I know that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I told myself to get a grip. I can’t be the ugliest thing out there. That’s when it really hit me that I SEE MYSELF LIKE THAT…more than anyone. I mean beastie in the movie was pretty messed up physically….scars and staples all along his face, bright bloody viens with copper pieces stuck in everywhere. Tatooes in fused between all of that. He was pretty scarred. "I’m ot that messed up" is what I thought...then 2 seconds later I started thinking "well that’s just a movie. In real life people do walk right past you and say mean things behind your back or with a look or with silence." YES, I started comparing my face to his! WTF! And then I thought Earl it can’t be that bad…GET A GRIP. Thinking like that will drive you nuts. Then I was like I need an anti depressive and to talk to my therapist lol. But I started saying something else wayyyy in the back of my head….I'd thought about it Friday when I had mental breakdown number 2 (this is number three for those keeping track)….I AM BETTER THAN THIS. I am too good a person to keep destroying myself mentally every time I see a love story, or read a book about two people in love, or watch two people hold hands. Yeah I ain’t gotta love it but I need to learn to not let it tear me apart like this. I realized I can’t be anything in this world if I don’t learn to love myself. And I be dam if I do something stupid and let “them” win. The douche bag assholes who don’t see me, the “weak” Earl who sees nothing but the bad in the mirror, every negative thought that tears me down…I don’t want to make them right. I want to beat this. More than I want to loose weight, or become a famous actor, writer, whatever…I can’t succeed at anything until I start to learn to love me. And not every 8 months when I freak out like this and pack it down until I’m ready for my therapist to talk me down from whatever emotional ledge I'm teetering on. Hell that may be all I can do...but from now on loving me...hell liking me as I am has to be my first and foremost goal for a while…… p.s. To all my friends...I am fine no need for any "well being" checks or comments, I just had a very real moment that I needed to share. Part of making me a better Earl is to stop hiding all the stuff I think is "bad" about me...it's part of who I am. For better or worse lol. Just needed to speak my mind and let it go... p.s.s. And if you comment on this note...good or bad I will delete it. I kind of just want this to sit out there...I revealed a lot of things about myself and again I just to need to let it sit out there for a moment without any judgement good or bad because I don't know how I feel about it lol...it's complicated lol.