And she's bacccccck....and all over the place...lol

I had to go back and put this in sections cause I'm all over the place today lol...

Earl on....JOURNALING

So, I've been sick a couple of days and if I had internet at home (I keep saying that everyday...) I could have journaled. But besides that I have been pretty good about journaling and trying to remeber what I ate the day before to add to my tracker the next morning. My motto to journaling success....journal it and keep it moving. And above all DO NOT LOOK AT THE NUMBERS...too much lol. Just putting the crap down is a miracle, staying on point is not even in the convo yet. I can't work on staying on point if I don't journal my dam points to bgein with, On the plus side, when I went to the doctor's I was down 3 lbs. Boo yow. I also drank like 86 ozs of water yesterday. My throat was so friggin dry. Anywho...

Earl on...WW Goals....

I can't believe I am back on program lol. I think joining weightwatchers is like an annual tune up thing. I just would really like to make it one whole program cycle which is 12 weeks. When I lost 25 lbs last time I had made it to week 10 then I started working and started the "I'm too busy" lie to go to meetings. This time I just wanna friggin finish! Even if I don't loose a lb (which would be unfortunate) I just want to GO ALL 12 WEEKS. Hmm...I'll give myself one more week then I will start thinking about some realistic goals for myself. Don't want too much pressure on the onset.

...before I forget...

Oh and I did NOT do my 16cts or my push ups from monday. Hopefully tonight I can get that in since I have like an hour PLUS to kill lol.

Earl on...WW meetings...

Since I'm on the WW's tip today, I did research meetings with my co-worker because I will need to not only drag my ass to a meeting but I'm going to have to drive to basically 95th and Harlem! LOL. During the winter too! I mean that may be setting myself to fail when I have a WW meeting like 9 blocks from my house! However, I've always wanted someone to go to WW with that was young like me and really committed. I mean losing weight is anything but convenient....why not. I'd rather have some support in getting to my meetings rather than have no one to drag my ass the 9 blocks to the one by me....

Ah Freak Out! aka Punishment for "Excusin'"

So, as an antidote to my non-food journaling for a whole week OR joining WW online to help with journaling last week from here on out know as "excusein"...I just made myself join WW online....for $53.00! Jesus losing weight can be expensive. lol But I would rather make it a little less stressful by having more tools in the ole' toolbox then going it completely alone. I am honest enough with myself to admit that right now I'm just not disciplined enough. Changing anything in one's life is all about discipline and realizing...despite the bank account numbers.... that some things require precedence and high priority. Like paying my student loans...I will NEVER get behind on those suckers again! I felt like I was being hunted down by the FB friggin I! Or getting monthly oil changes or buying good quality gym shoes. These are things that I used to skimp on but have learned the hard way that it only generally makes things worse. Sometimes you just gotta do the HARD thing FIRST lol... I did check my bills last week, pay my student loans this week, plus it's a double pay week so I should be fine. But yeesh...being a single adult woman and having the things I want sometimes is pretty shitty lol. I still need to buy business cards, reproduce my headshots, publish my website....ahhhh! Phabbulously Yours, Earl p.s. I will also be doing 20 squats at lunch time for my non-16 8cts of dance I was supposed to create over the weekend. It's only 20 because I hope to choreograph 8 at lunch. Thank god for empty rooms and gyms lol. p.s.s. I did do my pt and stretching for 30 minutes this morning so boo yow...

My Unecessary Jennifer Hudson Hate-On...

Hee, hee....I love the title of this blog. Yeah I've been on a random smart ass kick today lol. Anywho, I think today I would like to write about my secret hate-on that I have for Jennifer Hudson. See? Random... and it will be very smart assy...lol....lmao...

Okay here's why I may not ever be a dam celebrity...seeing all these WW ads...which by the way I have decided to go back to meetings early because I can't really afford the online option ( 54 versus 40...I know big whoop...excuses excuses for not journaling just puttin that out there...). Anywho...seeing all these WW ads all I can think of is how very clever of you Jennifer Hudson. You know you're not gonna continue to get cast wearing a size 16 (I believe that's what she was for the Sex in the City movie role in which she did NOT audition for...it was wrote for her...oh and that is important momentarily...)....so after getting knocked up how convenient that she's loosing the "baby" weight on WW. I wish she would have just worn a t-shirt that said "I know I won't get good roles this size so I'm going to listen to my agent and drop down into the single digits" lol. Now before I had this epiphany I was perfectly okay with J.H. as a WW rep. Now I feel that familiar feeling EVERY single women feels when another woman is losing weight...JEALOUSY. And if you don't agree you're doin a better job of lying to yourself than I am about journaling what I eat everyday lol. I don't have time to beat around the dam bush so get used to me just saying things because I need to write about them to understand them. Which is why I've never done a public blog. New ideas make people think of their own insecurities. And I know this....not because I'm some clinical psychologist but because I got through it too! I loved J.H....till she got skinny lol. No, I still like her but now it' s like subconsciously I feel like she's one more curvy independent strong woman who succumbed to the pressure. So is she still independent and strong? And furthermore, when I start losing weight, will people start to think based on my success that "Oh she just got healthy?". I mean where is that line between changing for myself and changing for society? AH HA.. bout time I got to the point of this post...you were wondering too...it's okay I still heart you lol. Like for realsies....I would be LYING MY ASS off if I said I just wanted to loose weight to be healthy. Believe me my bum hip, shoulder, knee, and asthma can all attest that losing weight would greatly benefit my health lol. HOWEVER, I can't live my life trying to pretend vanity has no pretense when I'm trying to be successful on one of the most...no the most superficial profession: acting. I almost put modeling above that but really honestly there are some ugly models makin bank out there lol. I think it's about how emaciated you can look, while still be physically animated (if you don't eat can you still be considered a living thing?...wait that sounded harsh but think about it...lol see random smart assness...). Most of them if them start off as child models and if they don't, for the women, get attached to and pop our kids to a wealthy man, they end up trying acting eventually. Man that sounded really harsh but I've heard worse insults from kids to other kids on the playground....suck it up Naomi...oh wait she my sue me or worse beat my ass with a cell phone...suck it up...dam I don't know any other current models name...thank god...

The point in all of this randomness is that...I do wonder about my identity. Like when J.H looses all of her curves then what? Will she still have that big phabulous personality that sterotypically goes with the "big black woman" actress? Or do we secretly think less of her because she'll have an easier road simply because she's thinner (oh don't act like thin people don't get first dibs on everything hell lol..)? Again, is she less of a curvaliciousand phabbulous woman? But if feeling out of control of your body makes you feel unphabulous are you staying true to yourself or what you think the people in your life (who are used to the overweight you) feel about you and by extension their own insecurities? See I wrapped that shit up good....hee hee...well I got to the good meat of this source of stress for me...answers are a whole nother blog! Anywho I know you may think I'm supa analytical and obessive with way too much time on my hands and your right lol but dudes and dudettes for realsies this is something I go through EVERY DAY lol. I mean you gots to be crazy to want to go into a career that can destroy your self image, self confidence, creates drug and alcohol dependencies, and only creates the illusion of wealth if you don't do right by the money you do make. I guess it's like Tom Hanks character in "A League of Their Own" put it..."it's the hard that makes it great".... I put my faith in my current family and friends that should I make it "to the big show" that I don't turn into some 97 lb., coke head, wash out after one big gig lol. Not saying that J.H. is going that route...you know what... I apologize Jennifer Hudson for this whole blog (I only apoligize if the person truly has it coming!). I'm a jealous asshole. Yeah I just said it and I mean it. Hating on you is not shrinking my waistline or helping promote black actresses (men get enough dam work). I just wish I could hear your "hard" that's led to your "great" waistline...throw a sista a bone so I can feel like I'm not alone!

Phlabbs Away!

Earl

Well I'll Be...

Guess who's posted two days in a row! I think I'm just going through a super contemplative mood. It never ceases to amaze me how when I'm not focused on my own problems I don't write as much. Not to say that I have problems right now I'm just trying to get somethings started so I don't fall into the "It's Cold I'm not doing crap and eating only comfort food" thing for the next 3 months. Plus I've put a lot of pressure on myself with this $300 weightloss challenge. It definitely has me thinking. I actually know for a fact that one of the girls has already lost 6 lbs...and I keep foolishly telling myself that "Oh by the time I hit my stride she'll be plataueing and everything will even out". See lying to myself already lol. The honesty thing in really commiting is sometimes really a bitch lol.

Like right now I'm going through an overeating period. I'm certian it probably has something to do with my just healed strained hip that givng me fits. Whrn it's flared up the tendons under my abs that connect my hips to my torso swell and knot up causing me to be nasueous which makes it harder for me to eat on schedule. It's like I just each when I'm not naseous versus my 4-5 hour schedule. I ate today around 9am so I'm going to try to get back on schedule and hey if I'mnaseous come 2pm then I keep it moving. You know what else I think is going to help me cut down on the overeating...the TV in the lounge plays "I Dream of Jeannie" at 2pm everyday. It's really the only time I watch tv so if I give myself that 30 minutes to eat then I still have 30 minutes to NOT EAT lol. Yesterday I got up and moved away from the TV and table after my 3o minutes. I was going to go for a walk but I got called as usual to work on my lunch break. So, that' s the plan for lunch for now until I gain yes gain the control to not stretch a 20-30 minute meal into an hour. This is bad on two levels I will either eat my snacks during that time to fill the time or I will get sleepy either way I need to get used to moving again after I eat lol. And to not overwhelm myself I'm just going to concetrate on that habit for a while. Believe me there are many many more to break lol...ooo maybe I should start a list lol. Who knows lol...

Also, I did not join WW yesterday because I never got a chance to do my bills to make sure I could afford it lol. Perhaps I will research that at lunch after my 10 minute "Walk My Food Down" walk lmao....till next time...

Chunky Monkey (yeah I said it...),

Earl

p.s.

FYI, if you'dnt guessed it...I am so stressing about losing weight lol...I keep thinking about all the crap I keep distracting me from focusing on this and it's truly impressive...but this is another blog lol....I just wanted to admit it before I start bullshitting myself that I'm stressing out about it lol...

BRINGIN OUT THE BIG BUNS...I mean GUNS!...

So, I can vaguely remember starting this blog this past summer but I've never posted anything (probably because I forgot I created it. I do things like that a lot...). So, after reading some weight loss blog success stories on Womensday.com I figured why not. I said I was going to give this a real go before July 18th, 2011so here I am....why this date?

July 18, 2011 is my 30th birthday...and if I am not under 300 lbs, it will be the day I call for a consultation on getting the Lap Band.Let me just put it out there....I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT SHIT! lol. Like for realsies. But I am a professional actor (among other things) and if I want to really give that career a go I need to loose the double chin. Let me be clear I AIN'T NEVER GONNA BE SMALL! I can't even picture myself at a size 16....but just to be able to move and stand for hours on a set I need to get my phabulous phannie in shape. And considering it gets harder and harder to keep things firm after 30 I'm trying to suck this last year of 20-year old skin snap backness up so I can loose weight and not look like I'm 40 or a dried prune lol. I am currently 325 lbs and clearly I'm 29 lol. My goal between Jan 1, 2011, and July 18, 2011 is simply to loose that 25 lbs. I know some people who can loose waaaaayyyy more in 7 months but I'm keeping the goal simple and attainable plus...I can't even remember that last time I stepped on scale and saw the number 2 first! I've been in Threedom since college (that's a WW message board term), and even then the first time I got sick sophomore year was the first time I weighed myself in years and I was 309 then. So, getting to Twoterville would be a dream come true. But I'll take any loss right now. Slow and steady till July, because god knows I DO NOT WANT TO LAP BAND my weight away. I learn nothing if I do it like that and I'm a nerd who never does anything unless I can learn from it.

Clearly, I'm more concerned about how it will effect me emotionally than physically because I'm very independent, ambitious, and creative. And to let something else do all the work feels like I'm short changing myself. It's not even about a sense of "cheating". If I got this done it would be like admitting food and weight has power over me and that just don't sit right with my conscious. I am NOT ruled by fear or anything or anyone else, so I'll be dammed if I'll be ruled by my waistline!

Okay now that I'm off that soap box...I'm just gonna put this out there for myself...

I WILL NOT BLOG EVERYDAY...because I know I'm not at a place where I can commit to it.

I WILL BLOG EVERY WEEK...I'd like to give myself a personal challenge every week. That will help with the blogging.

I WILL NOT USE THIS BLOG AS A FOOD JOURNAL...again see point one.

however,

I WILL START A FOOD JOURNAL TODAY...ewww. I am absent minded and I hated this about WW but it was interesting to reflect on things I'd made and ingested lol. This is the only time I wish I had a smartphone. They have a WW app. And if I can check Facebook 2-3 times a day on my phone I know I could journal! But alas...hmm just checked my email tab and what do I see? A "Come back to Weight Watchers today" email....man sometimes I think god has a wicked sense of humor...Fine I will join WW online today to help with the food journaling.

Anywho now that I got the pressure of being like every other blogger off my back (hence the stuff I will not do section)...here's what's up currently...

I joined a $300 weightloss challenge at my job. It's pretty simple, the person who looses the largest percent of weight by April 1st wins a $100 from every participant....talk about motivation! And as I mentioned before I'm very competitive, so I'm pulling out the big guns for this. Starting a weightloss blog and secretly rejoining weight watchers lol. They don't know that because I just officially decided it. I've been thinking about it since the 1st but after seeing that email I had a stroke of genius....I could join online till the challenge ends on April 1st. Then start going to meetings with a friend that I promised I'd join with after she has her baby in May. Yeah...told you big guns. This way I can ease into the full blown WW with some confidence and by the time July comes...I should have theoretically lost SOMETHING hell!

Joining WW online will take care of the journalling (eww) and this blog will hopefully keep things interesting. Hopefully this is not my last blog lol. So, my official goal for this week is to blog again before next Monday the 24th. I also need a jump start so I want to commit to either trying a Zumba class or creating my own dance workout (like I've been wanting to for a week and a half) by next Monday. I'm thinking...16 8cts should be a good goal. In the interim...I can't believe I'm doing this...but like I said big guns! Go hard or go home.....I'm going to extend my break from auditioning till April. I want to focus on some writing projects anyway and the extra time will help me focus on this FINAL weightloss journal. I swear...July 18th...D-DAY! lol...You all will understand so much more about me and who I am...but I want to start and then let the crazy out slowly:).

Stay Phabby...

Earl