I guess I'm the fourth Chippette lol...

I've been battling what I thought were seriously infected ear drums since right after July 4th. Today I went the ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) and to my wonderful surprise got to have a camera rammed up my nose at 7:30am :). Come to find out, my ears are fine. So, are my seasonally fickle sinuses. Too bad my salivary glands are infected lol.  I know you're probably asking the first thing that shot out of my mouth "And how did I infect those?". Apparently it could be dehydration (doubt it with all the water I've been guzzling) or it could be viral. Now the second sounds more likely. When my allergies are acting up I always get the viral crap. He couldn't tell if it was bacterial though because I've been on predinosone which I guess throws things off. Regardless...

Dispite my chipmunk cheeks of various sizes (it comes and goes)...I've felt very empowered. It helped that Carlos and I emailed a bit about my whole "revelation" I had about me being a coward. He was very cool about it, and would still take me up on my offer for dinner if he came to town ;). During which, I would try every cheap trick to get in his pants....or better yet...rip his clothes off with my teeth lol. Yes, I have felt pleasantly empowered this week.



Tuesday's Look...
the freshly washed Curly blow out!



Despite the chipmunk cheeks...in an attempts to welcome the Diva back I've started styling my hair everyday. My braids needed to be redone and I wanted togiv emy hair some extended rest time so I've been rockin my natural for a few days. I went on Youtube...a god send to how-to-ers---and have found many black women who've made tutorials on how to work with natural hair. As such, I have worn not one but three styles in three days. I think that's why I went to the braids and half wigs. At first it was just to hide my short hair. Then it was so cute and hassle free I just kept the look. But 2 years later I was getting bored with it, and I feel like my hair had stopped growing so I've let my hair run wild lol.  Plus I have to wait till right before my vacay to get my braids back.  I've been enjoying this so much I am SERIOUSLY thinking of going natural "full time" in the fall...okay where am I going with this lol...

Basically, it brought me back to when I actually spent time primping in the mirror lol. I realized this week that I've missed my girlie time. As an adult I still don't have a ton time to primp but that doesn't mean I need to eliminate it! I have realized in the past few weeks, the few girlie self-primping loving things I used to do for myself I no longer do and I think it has definitely cost me in terms of my self esteem. I mean we all feel better when we know we look like a million bucks. I guess when I was younger I equated looking like a million bucks with taking tons of time so I started cutting out my footbaths and manicures. I got my hair in a cute but utilitarian style. Now, I'm excited at the challenge of finding ways to do those little girlie things for myself even on days where I'm wearing this stupid uniform lol. Like today I added my cuff but actually matched my earrings (yellow) to this horrible green and yellow shirt. I did my side pouff look on my hair which once I understood what products I needed and for what goes really fast in the morning. And I'm going to throw some makeup on at some point.



You can't tell me I'd didn't lok cute Wednesday!
This is my side puff...
still workingon mastering it lol.

 One of the guys upstairs is convinced I have a new man. Finally I was like "And what if I do?" It's funny how people think you must be trying to impress someone when you start dressing nicely or you wear some makeup. No....I'm dressing better because I feel better when my toes are painted, when I have on an anklet, when I have on earrings and my hair is in a new style....nothing that takes a ton of time. But those few things are ways I see now that I NEED not want but NEED so that I can insure I'm getting that "loving kindness" to myself/mind/body every day or week.

Being nice to oneself is a fulltime job just like earning money to put gas in my car (currently $3.99 a gallon!), or juggling two jobs and rehearsals. I mean if I can do all that I can certainly find time to paint my "short toes" as my sister calls them. It also scared the hell out of me that I thought I was maybe turning into one of those women who are unhappy with their looks but never do anything for themselves. I mean people mature and life throws us tons of curve balls but I'm not going out like that! I want to live my life confident and free to do what I want (within reason lol). Not saying things like "why bother?", or "that's a waste of time" because those are lies that cover up unhappiness. At least for me. And no a manicure won't solve my problems, but if my problems or stress is centered around my self esteem it may help A LOT lol...okay I better go!



Pheelin Free :),

Earl

Posting Gap

I must note that I have indeed been blogging since July 1st.  Per my first blog I promised to blog at least once a week.  However, the couple of blogs I've written since the 1st are a bit more private, so they will not be posted (yet...) so I have stuck to my commitment despite what appears to be a 10 day gap lol.

-E

No More Carlos Regret!

Everyone know's that in college I had the hugest hard on for this guy named Carlos.  Tall, argentenian, smart (physics and music major...can you say HOT?), but painfully shy.  Add in my SUPER awkwardness, I sort of just pined for him instead of taking a leap of faith.

With The Diva back...it occured to me that back then I had to understand why I couldn't control myself around him (I have never been more strongly physically attracted to a guy...whew I got hot just thinking about the idiot lol). I had to know why I could look at him and forget everything this indepenednet black woman thought in favor of pretty much doing anything to just get close to the guy. Meanwhile he had no clue, or was being too awkward to deal with it.  Either way I gave him 2.5 years of my enegery and to be honest...7 years now cause it's never went away!  And when he friend requested me a few weeks ago it started up all over again! Analyzing fantasies...and for what?  Nothing has changed!





I still don't know why I'm attracted to him, and given the chance I'd still rip his clothes off with my teeth so what is there to analyze?  What he will think of me if I flirt with him?  If he will stop talking to me out of awkwardness if I tell him I want him?  I mean nothing will happen that will be worse than pining for someone I never even talk to anyway!

*This is where I had a supa hot recent pic of Carlos embedded but then thought better of it as he'd probably freak out if he knew I thought about him to the extent of keeping pics of him. I'm NOT a stalker....it's just a very very nice pic :) *
So in the true spirit of living an invigorating reality I sent him the following message on facebook---hey I wanted to actually chat with him about it instead of sending a really awkward passive aggressive email but the fool hadn't gotten back to me in like 4 days and I wanted to get this off my mind!:

Okayyyy so you were probably ALL into the U-17 world cup this weekend (yes I know about soccer…my best friend is Mexican and my nephew is going to college on a soccer scholarship lol)… so I’m just gonna go ahead and write you this really awkward message lol. Basically...I’m turning 30 in a couple of weeks. And with each birthday you reflect on your life (least I do lol) and to this date I’ve only had 3 regrets. Unfortunately you are one of them. Specifically, I regret that I never once tried to get at you. I say “get at you” because I never wanted to date you per say but “get in your pants” sounded a bit crass ;). I know you’re probably wondering what the hell, and where the hell is this coming from lol. Well, I think I finally figured it out lol.


In high school I was such a goody two shoes that casual hookups were never even on my radar. However, once I got to college…with the extra time, booze, and being stuck repeatedly in room with a tall, attractive, smart, Argentinean guy… suffice to say I started to think about sex quite a bit lol. The problem with you was every time I saw you I would turn into a socially awkward 12 yr old girl because I was, and still am, sooo physically attracted to that I couldn’t even give you a good reason why besides I wanted you lol. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you or anything to you. I mean anyone who came within 2 feet of the Aud knew exactly what I thought about you lol. But, being the consummate little student I was, instead of just going for it, I started analyzing the situation. And I see now that THAT WAS COMPLETE BULLSHIT lol--- I was simply being a coward. Then when I got your friend request a couple weeks ago, that same regret-after-the-fact started nagging at me. That’s why I’m being a little impatient…I realized I'm not the person I was in colleg and I don't want to go even one more day letting someone, even someone I may not ever see or talk to again, think I’m a socially awkward shy idiot, and that if I had it to do all over again we would have had A LOT more fun in the Aud lol.


Whew…that’s much better:). Now, since I didn’t want to just dump all this on you at once (hence the chat request) don’t be all weird now and ignore me forever lol. Or the opposite, send me some forced reply---totally unneeded hun :). Just consider this entire message one incredibly long compliment, and if you’re ever passing through Chicago…my offer still stands ;)…

Phabulously Yours,
Earl!

Yes I just went gansta Diva on him!  He's probably right now feelin so blown he doesn't know what to say lol. And though a positive reply would be great, I'm just glad to get it off my chest.  When I realized how insecure I'd acted and how much energy I'd wasted on him, I had to tell him!  I had to.  I couldn't give him one more minute of my energy.  I'm gonna do the same thing with AZChris in August.  I'm going to give it to him so there is NO doubt when he leaves exactly what I WANT! 

Invigorating realities only!

Phabulously Yours (even with Chipmunk Cheeks...dam sinuses lol),

Earl!

THE DIVA HAS RETURNED...

Omg....so with it getting into the 90's I planend to wear a skirt to work.  But since I've been trying to bring the diva out, I decided to glam it up.  Last night I had my heart set on my loepard print shoes and from there my skintight sexy but appropriate pencil skirt black cami and brown shrug.  Add in my african earrings, gold bangles, light makeup and a bootlegged anklet and this girl was ready.  First I get my boobs crushed from the "cookie man" who "just wanted a hug".  I knew an extra squeeze was comin but he like rubbed side to side in the hug too.  At which time I dislodged myself from him and left after he said he needed a cigarette lol.

I get to 3701 and people are rubbernecking out of their classrooms to see me.  I'm like "it's just a skirt!"  They're like no it looks like you've lost weight and EVERYONE loves the shoes.  I get to 2020 and people are taking pictures!  It's amazing how many times I've been told I look good today and that I look sexy yet I'd never say it to myself.  I mean yes I knew there would be a reaction like "Oooo Earl's wearing a skirt"...but I didn't expect double takes and cell phone pics lol.

The DIVA is back!

I'm going to get to know my "girls" again by continuing my quest for the perfect summer wedge.  I have plenty of clothes to work with.  But my footwear hs been lacking lol.  I am happy to say that I look good today and I feel good.  I don't feel like I'm overly sexed, hell my skirt hits right above the knees and I have a little shrug on.  But I'm lovin my butt in this skirt, I mean I have a shape.  The "girls" are doing me proud and nothing, I mean nothing feels sexier than heels, a short skirt and the tickle of a anklet.  This is good attention and as much as I have been battling my own inner self concious demons I'm glad she's back.  Hopefully she stays!

I have contacted several co-workers to go out cause the diva needs to go OUT!  I can't exactly get all diva'd up to sit in a hipster bar.  I'd stick out like a sore thumb lol. I'm not dissin my ladies Becca and Bianca cause I'm still in there, but Earl is going to be expanding her repetoire because as my friend Martina said..."it's time..."

Pheelin Phabulous,

Earl

Pheelin low?

So, yesterday  I got some news that a guy I was attracted to (but did NOT want to date...that is very important) is shacking up with someone else now.  Of course I was immeadiately jealous and pissed off.  Kind of like an ex-girlfriend...then it hit me.  Every time this happens----and it happens often because I never make a move on a guy---I always get pissed like the dam guy wronged me.  Saying "well he knew I liked him!".  When really, men are really stupid and don't exactly think that logically.  So, as I'm documenting every flirty move and inuenndo he's probably thinking about which episode of Family Guy he tivooed last night lol.  The point is...I realized that I spend a lot of time analyzing and not enough time DOING. Living invigorating REALITIES....so I'm changing that! Stay tuned folks...

Bootcamp Checkin...

Since I couldn't get my comment to come up on the July 14th blog I was commenting on...

Last week I totally flopped on the journaling challenge.  And, I'm just not ready.  I know this and I need to just be okay with it...for now. I haven't journaled in a couple of weeks.  I mean I will journal every so often.  But I just hate tracking right now.  I got so much other shit on my mind, plus I know the system well enough that it's a not a priority for me right now though I keep hearing how trakcing is the key to successfully losing weight on WW.  Which may be why I can't loose weight but I also know, I won't loose a lb unless I am moving and with my hip that dictates I move THAT is a priority right now (I did do a fantastic yoga stretch session yesterday morning.  I mean I felt like new money afterwards!).  I will need to work on some sort of tracking system after I get my movement up.  Like doing it the night before right before I go to bed, or I track after every meal, or I go back to old fashioned pen and paper.  Either way that is a bigger issue right now that I can tackle in a week.  However, since I will be rehearsals at least 4 days a week starting tonight (yayyy), and I just bought $150 dollars in groceries (still pains me...), I should have NO REASON to eat out during the week.



Not my cart, but close to it lol...



I actually cleaned out every single flippin cabinet I had (had stocked up so I needed to!), and I realized I have a lot of go to meals ready, I just need to remind myself that they are there! So, given what I had, I wrote down a list of 5 possible breakfasts, mixing hot and cold items.  Five lunches and five dinners.  I didn't "plan" a menu per say because my tastes change.  But by making the lists, I can simply pick off the list what I want instead of having to think about anything.  I also prepped some of the meals.  Like I cooked up a small batch of Granny Earline's Tuna (yummmo!), I fried up some Bob Evans breakfast sausage into like crumbles because a. I was getting tired of looking at in my my overloaded fridge and b. because I eat so little at a time I was worried that defrosting and refreezing too many time would make it funky lol.  I also hard boiled some extra eggs for hot breakfasts at work (had two boiled eggs, 4 tbls of sausage, cheese , toast, and cherry tomatoes for breakfast today...YEAH!).  I also cooked up a HUGE pot of spaghetti for quick dinners on rehearsal nights.  Because whatever I eat has to be eaten cold I thought this was a smart choice and it will last a few meals.  I then took half of that ground beef and pepper mix from the spaghetti and saved it so I can make egg rolls this weekend.  Yall know I try to do my complicated meals on the weekend lol.  Just need to pick up some cabbage cause I picked up the wrong coleslaw mix lol.  So, yeah I was smart in my shopping.  Then next weekend I can plan out me some more meals though I may have to go get some fresh fruit.  I should start seeing a bit more of my money IN my account during the week.

Plus I'm not depriving myself because I can eat out on the weekends and I am giving myself the leeway that one day I will forget my lunch or be lazy but at least the food will be there for another day!  So, yeah I am postively optimistic about how this week will go.  It's another one of those "find out what my process is" challenges.  Again, some people can cook for the week , I like to just prep in case I change my mind. Like with that breakfast sausage I can easily throw that in a breakfast casserole should I want that instead of just hardboiled eggs!  I also, can't just plan out a menu and stick to it.  I am spontaneous and I like choices so I hope this "soft menu" (see how I just coined another Earlism...dam I'm good...) helps!  Regularly grocery shopping helps which I have been doing on Saturdays after my WW meetings so I think this has a fairly good chance of working out :).

Optimistically Patient,

Earl

Pride Weekend

So, I find it kind of funny that I decided to have date night/Master Plan rehearsal on Pride Weekend, completely unintentionally lol.  Ironic that I woudl undergo this experiment on a weekend where people come together in celebration of accepting who they are and their sexuality.  I SWEAR I did not plan this for this day but I do believe everything happens for a reason so Date Night commenced as follows.

First I cooked all evening for the week which was nice because I got a head up on the game and if I actually had a man coming over I'd need to do that before he got there anyway lol.  I also bought a VERY yummy bottle of sangria from Aldi's which was FANTASTIC.  I chopped up an apple and threw in a couple of strawberries and sipped on that while I cooked and listened to music. Sooooo relaxing.  So, by the time I was done cookin I was a little tipsy, very important in the breaking down of walls lol.  So, then I took a good long shower.  I scrubbed and scented myself appropriately then gave myself a fantastic pedicure with my ped egg.  I must note that I was naked the whole time---after shower naked time is the best and you know it so don't you judge me!

Then go time came.  Would I put on the fishnet dress, heels, makeup and traipse around my apartment? 

HELL YES!....

I got completely dressed, makeup, earrings, leather wrist cuffs, hair, black lace high cut panties, strapless bra, and yes the aforementioned fishnet dress, herein referred to as "Lucy" (it needs a racy kinda name), and my patent leather 3 inch heels ...yowsers.  I know I was supposed go through a mock seduction/date simulation thing but I decided to do my own sexy photoshoot instead.  I felt a little crazy talking to an imaginary guy but by this time the wine had kicked in and I just wanted to feel sexy...not crazy lol.  So, I started by just walking around in the get up.  Not easy at first cause I'm not used to having to make it look "sexy". Then I started taking pics...like all over my apartment lol. To be honest at first I was like "Really Earl? Wow that is not so attractive" when I was looking at the first few pics. Just not a fan of my back rolls but I discovered to my suprise...my ass looks great in lace panties and heels...I'm just sayin lol.  I also lost the bra towards the end.  Why not it was my dam shoot and ain't nobody EVER going to see the X-rated ones, so hey....go hard or go home right? As well, I discovered I do have a "sexy" look. To explain, anytime I think I will be having pictures taken I always try to get a "sexy" look together and I always just end up looking "cute".  Well between the smoky eye makeup, leather cuffs, and red lips it was hard to see "cute" anywhere :).

So, what did I learn and how did this help me on my journey to continually loving myself....well I think some of my anxiety about being naked in front of a guy has eased.  I mean push come to shove, I'll just shake a lil ass at em.  I mean I really was surprised that enjoyed looking at MY OWN backside that much lol.  Of course I had to post a pic on facebook (a non-X rated one of course) cause there's no use in discovering something good about my self/body only to keep hiding it from everyone like I do the "bad" things I don't like about my self/body.  I photoshopped a painting like layer onto it but it's still me! See below!

Pheelin Just Fine ;),

Earl