Confident and Courteous?

OMG...I feel really "man-crazy" today lol.  I think because it's Friday and of course I will be working and performing tonight. Thus spending another Friday night not dating lol.  I am trying to make that happen though!

In fact I have started reaching out to guys via some dating sites just about every other night.  In the past, I have joined a site, I send out a couple of feelers, gotten no hits and given up.  This time I am just sending out feelers to meet a quota.  One a day so that I can't get stuck analyzing any one guy cause I'm pursuing a new one everyday lol (genusis huh?).  Now watch it be my luck 2 weeks from now I will have all these guys messaging me back at the SAME time lol. 

Anywho, I was talking to my friend Mary and I mentioned my aching legs after doing some lap dancing (in the penthouse for exercsie purposes ya nasty...).  Then I was like this shirt looks good on me and I kept messing with my boobs and she was like "why do you keep talking about your body and stuff?" Now Mary knows I'm trying to loose weight so I was a little put off and then I had the thought..."was I weight loss  assholing"?  I DO NOT want to be that person that goes on and on about their changing self oblivious that they are making others uncomfortable by inadvertedly reminding them of their own weight issues. 

I mean how am I supposed to be confident and courteous? Anywho I think that is more of a sliding scale answer than a definiteive answer lol.  Anywho, in light of the Mary convo I realzied that I never had a "sexual revolution". ---wait I will tie this together lol---- Now that I'm slowly starting to kind of like my body I kinda want to take it out for a spin, hence the man-crazyness I think lol.  There's A LOT more to this but I will summarize it with this...when every other little tween girl was going through boyfriends, experimenting with her wardrobe, and secretly kissing boys I was avoiding EVERYONE, writing, reading, and doing everything alone and trying to pretend I didn't exist.  Then when I came out of that period of my life I was so geeked to have friends that the word "boyfriend" didn't even commute until I got to college.  I still didn't get any play in college but I realized that my ass and boobs have a purpose even if I have yet to figure out how to accurately use them lol.

The point being...I've spent a great deal of my life wishing I had the confidence I am developing now.  And I can't dismiss that because I'm worried what others will think.  Maybe that's the beginning of WL assholing but, I can't come this far and not celebrate (hell I've only lost 10 lbs since January lol) cause this has been HARD.  I think as long as I don't actively talk about my WL around people I can still be confident and let that shine through my ACTIONS.  Words=analyzing. Analyizing=BAD lol..

Pheelin Phrisky!

Earl

12 WEEKS :) and Niceities

I believe this week marks the 12th week I have been OP with WW. 

Holy shit...

I have never completed the 12 week program in the 7 years I have been on and off WW!  So, I just wanted to note how proud I am that I stuck in there when I didn't want to journal (still don't but I'm losin!), when I threw out my trick hip TWICE, went through the many many trips to the grocery store and budgeting, boughts of predinsone and self doubt...... I MADE IT! I MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE WW 12 WEEK PROGRAM! 

Of course I'm going to continue :), but I have only previously made it 10 weeks, and 9 before that.  I believe this time, I'm really not going to stop....a refreshing yet scary as thought.  I mean I bitch and moan plenty about how hard it is but like most I don't know what to do with new found focus on changing.  I guess I'm going to actually have to learn to take a compliment...assuming it's a genuine one. Just today I got an actual compliment (not back handed compliment) from a co-worker at another site who ran out her door just to say that she and her fellow teacher noticed "all the weight I had been losing" and to tell me I was lookin good and keep at it! I had to note this because I'm learning very quickly that genuine kindness comes few and far between when you are obese.  I don't know what it is with the world that an obese person can get ostrosized just as much as a sex offender (in my humble opinion).  It's hard when people stare, children point and insult you to your face, clothes are more expensive, people ASSUME you don't want to move and don't ask you to physicallty social events (softball, volleyball, etc), and let's not EVEN get started on dating and intimacy for obese people...but like everyone says "we do it to ourselves" so we must like and deserve it. Okay am getting soap boxy so I will leave you with this..it can be brutally rough being different so a little genuine kindness goes a long way :).

Be Kind and Phine!

Earl

Oh HELL NAWL...

This is why obese people can't get a fuckin break...oh yeah this is going to be a HEATED EXCHANGE blog...


Okay so my co-worker that I am doing WW with, wanted to know how to use WW Online, so we're in her office going over it.  Well her staff members were also in there and the whole time they were doing their best to distract us, throwing stuff at us, asking us if we wanted doughnuts, just acting crazy.  And I wanted to be like did you ever think that maybe we're actually taking this serious?  That though we may fall off sometimes, it's hard to keep on trying?  That maybe we don't talk to you about the fun we're having because we know that you all are so insecure with yourselves that this is the best you can do to "support" us in something that is really difficult? UGGGGHHHH!

This is why I DO NOT tell people I know that I am actively trying to loose weight, because 95% won't don't cheer you on. No they will cheer for you to fail to keep the status quo....which is and I'm just gonna put it out there....people feel secure in who they are until others change in a way that THEY feel NOT I FEEL, but THEY feel put their faults into light. They either interpret  my success as a reflection of their own perceived weight loss failures (cause some of these chicks are skinny in comparison!) so they negate themselves "I'm such a fattie/I keep stuffingmy face/I'm soooo big" or they get defensive "Well I don't do it like that/does that really work/That seems like a lot of work" and start defending themselves like I just insulted them or something when I say something nice about myself?  I mean why can't peope just say "good job, keep at it"?  No they let their insecure inner self speak stupid shit like "Well you had a doughnut yesterday" or "You're not gonna do that (journaling) anyway." or worse "Well this is what I do, I don't do that, that's not for me". AHHH! That's why I've keep this journey to my blog that no one reads lol...cause if I didn't I'd be going postal on people! GRRRR!

Pissed!

Earl

I guess I'm the fourth Chippette lol...

I've been battling what I thought were seriously infected ear drums since right after July 4th. Today I went the ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) and to my wonderful surprise got to have a camera rammed up my nose at 7:30am :). Come to find out, my ears are fine. So, are my seasonally fickle sinuses. Too bad my salivary glands are infected lol.  I know you're probably asking the first thing that shot out of my mouth "And how did I infect those?". Apparently it could be dehydration (doubt it with all the water I've been guzzling) or it could be viral. Now the second sounds more likely. When my allergies are acting up I always get the viral crap. He couldn't tell if it was bacterial though because I've been on predinosone which I guess throws things off. Regardless...

Dispite my chipmunk cheeks of various sizes (it comes and goes)...I've felt very empowered. It helped that Carlos and I emailed a bit about my whole "revelation" I had about me being a coward. He was very cool about it, and would still take me up on my offer for dinner if he came to town ;). During which, I would try every cheap trick to get in his pants....or better yet...rip his clothes off with my teeth lol. Yes, I have felt pleasantly empowered this week.



Tuesday's Look...
the freshly washed Curly blow out!



Despite the chipmunk cheeks...in an attempts to welcome the Diva back I've started styling my hair everyday. My braids needed to be redone and I wanted togiv emy hair some extended rest time so I've been rockin my natural for a few days. I went on Youtube...a god send to how-to-ers---and have found many black women who've made tutorials on how to work with natural hair. As such, I have worn not one but three styles in three days. I think that's why I went to the braids and half wigs. At first it was just to hide my short hair. Then it was so cute and hassle free I just kept the look. But 2 years later I was getting bored with it, and I feel like my hair had stopped growing so I've let my hair run wild lol.  Plus I have to wait till right before my vacay to get my braids back.  I've been enjoying this so much I am SERIOUSLY thinking of going natural "full time" in the fall...okay where am I going with this lol...

Basically, it brought me back to when I actually spent time primping in the mirror lol. I realized this week that I've missed my girlie time. As an adult I still don't have a ton time to primp but that doesn't mean I need to eliminate it! I have realized in the past few weeks, the few girlie self-primping loving things I used to do for myself I no longer do and I think it has definitely cost me in terms of my self esteem. I mean we all feel better when we know we look like a million bucks. I guess when I was younger I equated looking like a million bucks with taking tons of time so I started cutting out my footbaths and manicures. I got my hair in a cute but utilitarian style. Now, I'm excited at the challenge of finding ways to do those little girlie things for myself even on days where I'm wearing this stupid uniform lol. Like today I added my cuff but actually matched my earrings (yellow) to this horrible green and yellow shirt. I did my side pouff look on my hair which once I understood what products I needed and for what goes really fast in the morning. And I'm going to throw some makeup on at some point.



You can't tell me I'd didn't lok cute Wednesday!
This is my side puff...
still workingon mastering it lol.

 One of the guys upstairs is convinced I have a new man. Finally I was like "And what if I do?" It's funny how people think you must be trying to impress someone when you start dressing nicely or you wear some makeup. No....I'm dressing better because I feel better when my toes are painted, when I have on an anklet, when I have on earrings and my hair is in a new style....nothing that takes a ton of time. But those few things are ways I see now that I NEED not want but NEED so that I can insure I'm getting that "loving kindness" to myself/mind/body every day or week.

Being nice to oneself is a fulltime job just like earning money to put gas in my car (currently $3.99 a gallon!), or juggling two jobs and rehearsals. I mean if I can do all that I can certainly find time to paint my "short toes" as my sister calls them. It also scared the hell out of me that I thought I was maybe turning into one of those women who are unhappy with their looks but never do anything for themselves. I mean people mature and life throws us tons of curve balls but I'm not going out like that! I want to live my life confident and free to do what I want (within reason lol). Not saying things like "why bother?", or "that's a waste of time" because those are lies that cover up unhappiness. At least for me. And no a manicure won't solve my problems, but if my problems or stress is centered around my self esteem it may help A LOT lol...okay I better go!



Pheelin Free :),

Earl

Posting Gap

I must note that I have indeed been blogging since July 1st.  Per my first blog I promised to blog at least once a week.  However, the couple of blogs I've written since the 1st are a bit more private, so they will not be posted (yet...) so I have stuck to my commitment despite what appears to be a 10 day gap lol.

-E

No More Carlos Regret!

Everyone know's that in college I had the hugest hard on for this guy named Carlos.  Tall, argentenian, smart (physics and music major...can you say HOT?), but painfully shy.  Add in my SUPER awkwardness, I sort of just pined for him instead of taking a leap of faith.

With The Diva back...it occured to me that back then I had to understand why I couldn't control myself around him (I have never been more strongly physically attracted to a guy...whew I got hot just thinking about the idiot lol). I had to know why I could look at him and forget everything this indepenednet black woman thought in favor of pretty much doing anything to just get close to the guy. Meanwhile he had no clue, or was being too awkward to deal with it.  Either way I gave him 2.5 years of my enegery and to be honest...7 years now cause it's never went away!  And when he friend requested me a few weeks ago it started up all over again! Analyzing fantasies...and for what?  Nothing has changed!





I still don't know why I'm attracted to him, and given the chance I'd still rip his clothes off with my teeth so what is there to analyze?  What he will think of me if I flirt with him?  If he will stop talking to me out of awkwardness if I tell him I want him?  I mean nothing will happen that will be worse than pining for someone I never even talk to anyway!

*This is where I had a supa hot recent pic of Carlos embedded but then thought better of it as he'd probably freak out if he knew I thought about him to the extent of keeping pics of him. I'm NOT a stalker....it's just a very very nice pic :) *
So in the true spirit of living an invigorating reality I sent him the following message on facebook---hey I wanted to actually chat with him about it instead of sending a really awkward passive aggressive email but the fool hadn't gotten back to me in like 4 days and I wanted to get this off my mind!:

Okayyyy so you were probably ALL into the U-17 world cup this weekend (yes I know about soccer…my best friend is Mexican and my nephew is going to college on a soccer scholarship lol)… so I’m just gonna go ahead and write you this really awkward message lol. Basically...I’m turning 30 in a couple of weeks. And with each birthday you reflect on your life (least I do lol) and to this date I’ve only had 3 regrets. Unfortunately you are one of them. Specifically, I regret that I never once tried to get at you. I say “get at you” because I never wanted to date you per say but “get in your pants” sounded a bit crass ;). I know you’re probably wondering what the hell, and where the hell is this coming from lol. Well, I think I finally figured it out lol.


In high school I was such a goody two shoes that casual hookups were never even on my radar. However, once I got to college…with the extra time, booze, and being stuck repeatedly in room with a tall, attractive, smart, Argentinean guy… suffice to say I started to think about sex quite a bit lol. The problem with you was every time I saw you I would turn into a socially awkward 12 yr old girl because I was, and still am, sooo physically attracted to that I couldn’t even give you a good reason why besides I wanted you lol. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you or anything to you. I mean anyone who came within 2 feet of the Aud knew exactly what I thought about you lol. But, being the consummate little student I was, instead of just going for it, I started analyzing the situation. And I see now that THAT WAS COMPLETE BULLSHIT lol--- I was simply being a coward. Then when I got your friend request a couple weeks ago, that same regret-after-the-fact started nagging at me. That’s why I’m being a little impatient…I realized I'm not the person I was in colleg and I don't want to go even one more day letting someone, even someone I may not ever see or talk to again, think I’m a socially awkward shy idiot, and that if I had it to do all over again we would have had A LOT more fun in the Aud lol.


Whew…that’s much better:). Now, since I didn’t want to just dump all this on you at once (hence the chat request) don’t be all weird now and ignore me forever lol. Or the opposite, send me some forced reply---totally unneeded hun :). Just consider this entire message one incredibly long compliment, and if you’re ever passing through Chicago…my offer still stands ;)…

Phabulously Yours,
Earl!

Yes I just went gansta Diva on him!  He's probably right now feelin so blown he doesn't know what to say lol. And though a positive reply would be great, I'm just glad to get it off my chest.  When I realized how insecure I'd acted and how much energy I'd wasted on him, I had to tell him!  I had to.  I couldn't give him one more minute of my energy.  I'm gonna do the same thing with AZChris in August.  I'm going to give it to him so there is NO doubt when he leaves exactly what I WANT! 

Invigorating realities only!

Phabulously Yours (even with Chipmunk Cheeks...dam sinuses lol),

Earl!

THE DIVA HAS RETURNED...

Omg....so with it getting into the 90's I planend to wear a skirt to work.  But since I've been trying to bring the diva out, I decided to glam it up.  Last night I had my heart set on my loepard print shoes and from there my skintight sexy but appropriate pencil skirt black cami and brown shrug.  Add in my african earrings, gold bangles, light makeup and a bootlegged anklet and this girl was ready.  First I get my boobs crushed from the "cookie man" who "just wanted a hug".  I knew an extra squeeze was comin but he like rubbed side to side in the hug too.  At which time I dislodged myself from him and left after he said he needed a cigarette lol.

I get to 3701 and people are rubbernecking out of their classrooms to see me.  I'm like "it's just a skirt!"  They're like no it looks like you've lost weight and EVERYONE loves the shoes.  I get to 2020 and people are taking pictures!  It's amazing how many times I've been told I look good today and that I look sexy yet I'd never say it to myself.  I mean yes I knew there would be a reaction like "Oooo Earl's wearing a skirt"...but I didn't expect double takes and cell phone pics lol.

The DIVA is back!

I'm going to get to know my "girls" again by continuing my quest for the perfect summer wedge.  I have plenty of clothes to work with.  But my footwear hs been lacking lol.  I am happy to say that I look good today and I feel good.  I don't feel like I'm overly sexed, hell my skirt hits right above the knees and I have a little shrug on.  But I'm lovin my butt in this skirt, I mean I have a shape.  The "girls" are doing me proud and nothing, I mean nothing feels sexier than heels, a short skirt and the tickle of a anklet.  This is good attention and as much as I have been battling my own inner self concious demons I'm glad she's back.  Hopefully she stays!

I have contacted several co-workers to go out cause the diva needs to go OUT!  I can't exactly get all diva'd up to sit in a hipster bar.  I'd stick out like a sore thumb lol. I'm not dissin my ladies Becca and Bianca cause I'm still in there, but Earl is going to be expanding her repetoire because as my friend Martina said..."it's time..."

Pheelin Phabulous,

Earl