Day One Health....

I've decided that I really need to make a change....I'm not happy with a few things in my life and again I'll spare you the self deprecation and get to the heart of it. My period came on and kicked my bad nerve into high gear and I'm just not feeling it anymore. Being in pain, over weight, not able to exercise cause of the dam leg, not journaling, losing weight...I'm tired of it all. And though I'd love to quit my job that's not one thing I can change right now that's making me happy but I can change my weight...how is a different story. I went to the DayOne Health center's page. Should I get the lap band this is the place I want to do it. I registered to get more information and for their online introduction seminar. I have not viewed the seminar yet and I'm going to put it off until I see my shrink on Thurs. I just needed to feel like some progress---even the "cheating" kind---has been made on my body. Yes, I still see the Lap Band as cheating and I'm terrified of getting it and STILL failing but at this point I AM AT MY WITS END WITH THIS CRAP AND I AM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT MY WEIGHT AND BODY EVERY SINGLE F-ING DAY! There I said it, and I'm done... -E

Primal Instinct!

So, I haven't blogged in a few days....needed to give myself some distance from last weekend. It's been my experience that the more I write and dwell on something negative, the longer the crappy feelings stay lol. I mean I'm not all happy go lucky now but in all of this "wonderful self discovery" I have clung to the one thing I know that gives me joy and allows be get through the shitty parts of adulthood and that's ...theatre.

Right now, I'm in a staged reading for my theatre company, Bareboned Theatre. I'm reading the lead so, it's making me stay focused on the text and that's where I'm at my best! I've done a lot of first person narratives or funny stuff in the last year, but when I can get into a script and find all the different levels and start making thematic connections not only do I feel like the thousands of dollars I have in school loans are worth it, if gives me a brief chance to actually use my brain and do what I'm not only good at (not bragging just trying to be positive lol) but I'm PASSIONATE about.

I've also had my first rehearsal for my storytelling piece on March 30th and I am so psyched. It's pretty tight, I just need to solidify some of my character choices. I just wish my friend Katie could be there (Katie if you ever read this I am not trying to make you feel bad! Keep reading there is a deeper point I swear!). Not only because she's a major player in the story but because I want her to understand and I think she knows by the way I act, but really know on a deeper level how hard it is for me to be open to dating. It's not just a "he'll think I'm too fat" thing. It's a "he'll never understand me/I'm too different/I'm too busy/I'm too everything that will cover the fact that I'm simply scared of the "man" unknown" lol.

And I'm not just talking about "getting hurt" or rejected. Men think sooooo differently from us that when they do do something stupid it's hard to know when it's intentional and when they just don't get it lol. I mean I people watch all the time, but I especially man-watch. How they react to different situations and people. They're actually quite fascinating creatures lol. I have a guy friend, "James", who is very..."open" about his sex life. And like hearing about what he really thinks of these girls, not in malicious way, is like mind blowing. He's also a little impulsive and an artist that has no filter so I probably shouldn't paint all men with his brush. But some of the things he's said it's like "I wonder if men think this about us all the time? Is dating/hooking up really that simple?". I won't divulge the details because he's a good guy and he's very upfront with the women so it's not like he's playing them or anything lol.

But this does bring to light that old Sex and City episode about "having sex like a man". Dude if I could remove the very active diatribe I go through as I'm trying to flirt or speak to a guy I'd be able to have sex like a man. Which as I have observed is pretty instinctive..primal instinct in fact. Meaning, they kind of think like this...."I'm horny, wish I could get off without jackin off. Who do I know will put out and not make a big deal out of it. Someone who's cute enough and just wants to get off too...hmmmm". Okay if you're a guy yes that was a caricature of men, but I don't think it's too far off. Notice how I didn't say too much about what the girl has to look like. This is also the thoughts of a guy who is kind of mature. I mean it's not about games or relationships, but primal instinctual need to be intimate with another human being. I had typed "need to release pen up frustration OR physical intmacy with another human being" but I scratched the first part because if it was all just about a release why don't guys simply jack off all the time, and girls for that matter too??? Yes, we want that release but deep down even the most seasoned of players and/or no-commitment relationshipists (not to be confused with commitment phones...hey some people just don't want to and some shouldn't be in relationships) will admit that it feels better with another person BECAUSE of the imatacy. Give and take. Simple. Primal. Instinctual. ....yup all this coming from a virgin. Again, this is just my OBSERVATIONS. I know I'm painting with a gigantic brush right now lol.

Problem is that not all men think this way. Some like to make it...more difficult really. These are the guys who, let's face it, want to get off by ANY MEANS necessary.

These are the guys who play the games and say what you want to hear to get your panties but will freak when you actually take him serious and want it to go farther. These are the guys who will flirt and tease for attention but have no plans to follow through because they're too scared to tell you they're not attracted to you and just wanted the attention. These are the guys who go to meat market clubs and pick up girls because they assume once a girl gets liquored up she'll be more willing to put out. Now I'm not male bashing here I'm just going off experience here that compared with the guys in the latter group I would rather have a guy like "James" who actually THINKS about hooking up before simply reducing himself to pandering to get laid. I mean we're all adults that why I'm not hating AT ALL on "James".

Once we all reach a certain age, we realize that sex is great but intamacy is a PRIMAL NEED. Don't let the old fogies fool you into thinking that intimacy is not important. Yes, as people get older the need isn't as urgent for sex but you'd be a fool (Miranda) to think it's not important. And yes, that was indeed another Sex In the City reference a-thank you. I've seen some couples gain so much joy from just the intimate action of holding hands, so it doesn't always have to be sex but if you can physically and emotional have sex I bet it's better lol. Again, I'm hypothesizing here. But, I'm betting the guys who make it more diffcult are actually the ones most SCARED of intmacy....and I'm sure some of them are just douchey and don't get it yet. I call this the "fucking around" phase that all men and I think women go through. When they mess around like a dog who's learned a new trick---they'll do it until it no longer interests him. The dog, will them look for something more interesting to keep his attention. It's quite elementary Watson. Okay enough of the psuedo-scientific ramblings....

Periodically Tabled (yeah I typed it...),

Earl

....

Went out for a friends birthday at the WORST place to go for anyone trying to loose weight...OLIVE GARDEN. Yeah that was horrible. Had a plan to load up on salad and still almost finished my Asiago chicaken ravioli, plus some custard for dessert and two glasses of wine. I have been avoiding this blog all day because I hate feeling bad because I ate something. I mean this is what my life and most women's lives have come dwn, their self esteem and worth based off what they eat. Like all day (and I pretty much gave WW the bird today having mcdonalds for lunch and wendys for dinner) I've been pretty depressed. Hey I said I'd be honest and well this wouldn't be a truthful blog if I didn't mention how bad it can get.

When you're sitting at home just thinking and silently asking God "Why can't I just control what I put in my stupid mouth!" or todays mantra "I might as well make my dam lap band appointment". Yeah it's been one of those days. Been on this journey for two months and some change and I have incread my exercise and mobility but all I really have to show for it is a 3lb gain. Since I got out the most important points I will spare you any more of self deprication that's going through my head and leave you with this...this is hard. Really really fucking hard. And it goes so much deeper than what I put in my mouth like all the doctors say. Self discipline is hard when you've never had any lol but this is a journey and I won't spend too much more time on this...I have two more weeks of WW online and then I start meetings and I'm praying, begging, hoping to God they help...

Am I a Bitch?!?!?!?

I wasn't gonna mention it...I said I was gonna let it roll off my shoulder but now I'm both pissed off and a little upset. I was asking...female co-worker 1 what she gave up for Lent and she said meat. I, trying to be funny, was like "I'm giving up assholes". Then my female co-worker 2 was like "sorry Roger". Then "Roger"...names are being changed to protect the "innocent"--who I kind of tried to get something going but it never really happened---tells me I should give up being "mean". TTTTHHHHEEENNN...He said "Since I can't call you the real word" and then kinda of laughed it off. Then female co-worker number one was like yeah you do come up here looking like a straight up bitch...WTF! First of all everyone at my job knows I am NOT a morning person and that they will get "half sleep cranky ass" Earl face until 10:00am. It's been that way for 3 dam years! Everyone knows, it's a running joke! But more importantly I started thinking about what Roger said. He views me as mean but (and I told them both this) I'm like the nicest person, sometimes to a fault. Hey I'm protecting this douchebag's identity though he basically called me a bitch in the middle of the lunch room...helloooo how much nicer to ya get! Ugh...Okay will get to why this post is on this blog...The above is what "Earl" thought but "Earliana" was like "But I'm not that way! Sometimes I'm just scared!". And there it is folks. If I haven't done so already I will begrudgingly quote P.Diddy, or Diddy, or whoever the hell he is this week..."It's easy to be [Earl] but it's harder to be [Earliana]". I definitely think ever since the first day of high school when every teacher got my first name wrong and I started going by "Earl", I've created a "safe" identity. Back then I was comin off a really bad time in jr. high---like chronic depression and daily suicidal thoughts all because I was picked on all day every day in my 8th grade class. So when I got to high school on that first it seemed like my slate had gotten wiped clean.. A. I wasn't the only big girl in the school or my grade for that matter (I went from a class of 80 to a class of 437!) B. Like everyone else I knew, nobody knew me because I was a freshman C. Everybody seemed busy with other things that first day lol. Of course I didn't trust it and thought people would revert after a couple of days in school to picking on me but it never happened. Later I would come to recognize this as the result of maturity or post puberty lol. But even still, ever since that first day I started taking chances and truly becoming a new and better person, while slowly stuffing some of my insecurities away. I went from never wanting to be seen, eating lunch in a dark auditorium by myself---with permission from the principal and social worker---to by my Senior year being 1st runner up for Homecoming queen! Cray cray huh? Well, though I shed a lot about timid, always vulnerable, ready to cry and give up "Earliana"....sometimes she creeps back in. I'm pretty sure this is why I don't like going by Earliana...yes I feel like I'm getting reprimanded by my mother, but also because until I started going by Earl...Earliana had no real identity except as a victim. Okay so how does this relate to "Roger"....During college, I didn't even really start focusing on men until like my jr year. I was just geeked to be there! But as there isn't a lot of choice in super christian Kirksville, Mo...I wasn't too sad nothing popped off there...though there will be a Carlos blog I'm sure (more deets later on that situation...). Now, as a 29 year old VIRGIN...yeah you read right lol....I think about men and sex all the time lol. Seriously, I'm like a horny 12 yr old boy. But I guess somewhere between going to college, trying to become a working actor, and still being a virgin I adapted a rather negative view towards men. I've mentioned it before but "Earl" is this confident, independent, sassy actor creative artist...but "Earliana" is the part of me that always feels like the D.U.F.F....Designated Ugly Fat Friend. I mean if you are overweight you have been that girl. When you're out with your friends and guys walk past you to your girlfriends like you're not even there. When they walk into the club and there eyes glide right past you to every OTHER girl in the club, when they sometimes tell you outright that you're "too big" for them yeah it's hard not feeling like the ugly fat friend that every one sees brings out, out of pity. Now before all of my friends start with the "you're being stupids" or the "You're beautiful" crap...this girl is a part of me that I NEVER, EVER, let out. I try to stuff down vulnerable "Earliana" as much as possible because nothing good ever can come out of that thinking. But if all men see is this wise cracking, independent, sassy woman should it be a surprise that this guy would think I'm a bitch? To his credit, my form of flirting is also pretty jr. high...hitting them, cracking jokes on them, doing anything to get his attention, even if it is negative attention. Combined that with my 'I don't need anyone cause I'm Earl!" confidence I guess that's how you get the image of me as a bitch..ugh...ugh squared dammit. I've talked about this with my shrink a lot...I know I need to let me see "me" but it seems so defeating I mean aren't we supposed to show only are best qualities...at least until date 3-4? okay kidding... but for reals... How do you all manage it? Being witty, funny, and flirtatious without smacking a guy and coming off as unapproachable or in 'Roger's" words...a BITCH? I know I'm not the first or the last person to pose this question but I'm up for any suggestions! Phabitchly Yours, Earl

Check In....

Dudes...I just realized now that I have 34 blogs I guess I gotta take this thing live lol. Then my second thought was "wow...I think about my Life in terms of eating and exercise A LOT " lol... Well I'd rather talk about it and anything else on my mind everyday, making paint drying slow process, than to be whining about the same thing and not accomplishing anything physically OR mentally lol. And you know what...even though I have had little progress on the scale I must say that after 8 weeks of futility I am finally feeling better, more aware of my eating habits and dare I say it...exercising every week lol. Yesterday we had the big Mardi Gras potluck at work and my plan worked fantastically....till someone brought out that dam raspberry coffee cake. Okay here's my thing...I LOVE baked goods. And I mean the good stuff...doughnuts, coffee cakes, birthday cake, pies, cobblers real stick to your bones stuff. And I can pretty much resist them as long as I don't see them. Yesterday I had a 5 point breakfast in preparation for the lunch festivities. I would have been right on plan had I not eaten the stupid coffee cake. I mean I'd already had a cupcake but it was like it was calling out to me "Earl, earl, I am good, I am raspberry coffee cake...EAT ME, EAT ME SEYMOUR" ...hee hee movie/theatre nerd.....:) Luckily, since I woke up yesterday feeling like I'd gotten kicked in the sacrum I did 30 minutes of stretching yesterday morning, then came home and did my ENTIRE dancing with the stars toning video! Yup never done more than two dances and I did all three AND the cool down! This is also because I tried to find my Zumba class in Logan Square yesterday which ended up with me outside what appeared to be a large house or an old fashioned 3 flat apartment building. Dudes there were like no lights on the first two floors lights on and a fan going on the top floor, but the website did not say 3rd floor or give a suite number??? There were also no signs for Chicago Women's Fitness so I took my happy ass back home. I wasn't about to walk up to someone's home/apartment randomly in Logan Square no thank you. Plus I know the website said their classes were in private lofts I didn't think that literally as in someone's home lol. I need to email that chick to clarify. Hell if you're gonna run a business at least put up a dam sign or answer the phone! Grrr...lol.... -Phearl p.s. Just realized that I had pointed every meal and snack for TWO count them biatches TWO FULL DAYS! Clouds are parting and small children are rejoicing somewhere lol....

Sticky Feeling

So, I'm still a little excited about my come from behind win last night with the dinner I made. I mean liek I want to like tell people then I had this thought....I know a lot of people wither trying to loose weight or struggling with weight (the phab and phlab stick together baby lol)...and I don't want to be the inadvertent douchebag who's like "Look at me! I'm so excited about this really hard thing I accomplished"....when really what THEY are hearing is "Hey look at me succeeding at the one thing you're trying really hard to do!". and I know that sound like bullshit and that I'm caring wayyy too much about what people think but it's coming from a place of experience. I have been that person who when faced with someone who is succeeding at anything but especially weightloss when I'm not, I feel like I gotta eat crow, smile and be happy for them when all I really want to do is go get a Boston Creme doughnut form Dunkin Doughnuts and cry. Emotional eater...maybe lol.



This one is a sticky one. I mean last night...you don't know how flippin good my red and beans and rice was and to not only eat 1 cup instead of two with a salad was like willpower brownie points man! I have been wanting the disciplined side of me to kick in for like 2 dam months and now when it happens (it may not happen again lol) I feel like I can't tell anybody. This is even more stickied in that I had already decided should I get the lapband that I would tell people how I was loosing weight but I would not celebrate it. In that situation it would be because well I was doing any of the work lol so why congratulate me on getting a silicone ring implanted in my body to control my weight....responsible yes, hard...no. That reasoning made since but now it's like I'm doing it on my own so why not celebrate it?



This is why minority on minority crime exits (bad transition but I promise I have a point), why women don't talk about themselves, why people like Perez Hilton (which I listen to every morning faithfully) have jobs, these are things or instances in which society tear others down because of what they may or may not have or because of their insecurities. Part of me would LOVE to be a celebrity but part of me is like there is NOOOO way I could hack all that pressure. You have to be a very strong person to deal with people telling you're not thin enough, tall enough, rich enough, smart enough everyday. Then you turn on the tv and their scrutinizes your cellulite (I was transfixed by an article on this in STAR while at Walgreens the other day). then you go online and people take a photo taken at a bad angle and say dumb shit like "So-and so is dying!" or hopped up on coke, or gay, or a sex addict....UGH! In that respect I have A TON of respect for celebrities who survive that shit (see Christina Aguilera, Lindsey Lohan, and Charlie Sheen of celebrities who HAVE not survived the Hollywood Celebrity Mill). But they also have millions of dollars to keep their mind at ease, I got a decent apartment, my PT cruiser, and bank account that get's dangerously close to $0 every two weeks lol....



Sorry, went on a tangent there but for reals....what am I going to do? I get being ashamed to talk about gaining weight and being fat, been there done that but being ashamed of even the smallest victories just seems STUPID!.....dam I really don't know how to deal with this one...I mean even if I start opening up to those in my immediate circle about this, they will of course support me but at what cost to their own psyche? ...hmmm...I clearly don't think about myself enough lol. Which also why people who loose weight are villified after doing so! They change and become "better" which makes everyone who has not changed feel like they are bad so what do we do...we create unnecessary hate on's (Sorry JHud lol) because it's easier to openly nitpick and negate someone else's success than be okay with our own successes or lack there of.

Just had a frightening epiphany....most people would say "well stick around those who are going to support you" but what if those who have always supported are not in that group? Like when I first started WW back in 2005, my mother who has generally always supported me got morally offended when I asked her to bake a pork steak for me instead of frying it! She like outright refused to do it....citing every reason from it would make more dishes to clean, to she didn't want to turn on the stove and get the house all warm, to just asking me why I couldn't eat like everybody else! I mean though this example included my mom, I can't turn away from my family and friends just because they have issues (I've seen this done before and no one will loose but me!), but if I don't feel comfortable confiding in them who do I confide in? Well logic says find some new folks, without letting go of the old folks, to talk to. But then what if the old folks find out I'm living it up with a new group of friends? They will think I've "turned my back" on them? I know all this sounds like I'm freaking for nothing but I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN! I have seen people loose weight around me and then loose friends because they're friends don't want to change and thus can't understand someone who has. Dude that is fuckin scary! It's like your doomed either way. Hell that's when I grab a glass of wine and flip everyone the bird!


Clearly sticky....sticky in deed.....

Jedi Mind Trick....

So, in my desperate attempts to loose something ANYTHING by April 1st I actually did one of the million weightloss tricks I've read about for years on WW (it's hard to do them all at once so I usually cop out and don't try any of them or I do it once...hopefully god willing that will change lol). I made red beans and rice and not only did I measure out both, I knew the red beans were gonna be a little high (cause I used full fat beef smoked sausage for my co-workers lol...should have went healthy and done us ALL a favor lol) so I got the smallest bowl I have and spread the rice on the bottom first (to make it look fuller) then put my red beans with it. I also made a gigantic salad like 2 cups and am totally fulfilled. I mean I have some room for my 3pt ice cream that I will be topping with no point fresh strawberries and a banana I have that's going lol...yeah total Jedi mind trick as my friend Stephanie B. would say lol.

As a reward I only dipped into my extra points by 10 points! This was (as my gloriously wonderful Bulls would do it) a fantastic come back win for today because guess who had a 25 pt lunch due to BAD PORTIONS...yup...that'd be this Diva right here. I mean when I look back on that lunch it wasn't horrible GRILLED chicken from KFC, homemade mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts. But with portions that got distorted into half my friggin days points on one meal that afterwards I felt stuffed and not fulfilled. I guess journaling does have it's up side LMAO....

In terms of portions and being about recognizing potentially high point situations, I am already planning for tomorrow....grapefuit and strawberries (zero points!) for breakfast so I can save those points for the Mardi Gras work potluck. I know there will be fried chicken and cake and stuff like that so I plan on sampling everything (that I like...no use wasting points on crappola). No more than like 1/4 cup of everything. And before I eat any of that I am bringing and eating the leftover salad I have in the bag since I always eat one salad and let the rest of the bag rot lol. Hopefully I won't go cra-cra tomorrow. Then off to my Zumba class and then more creativeness for dinner (just in case I do get a bit cra cra lol). Gonna be another huge battle but I plan on WINNING!


Phabulously Sated,

Earl


P.S. Again, I would like to give as an assist to my girl Becca for giving me some New Mexico grown frozen green chiles that tightened up my red beans and rice!