Am I a Bitch?!?!?!?

I wasn't gonna mention it...I said I was gonna let it roll off my shoulder but now I'm both pissed off and a little upset. I was asking...female co-worker 1 what she gave up for Lent and she said meat. I, trying to be funny, was like "I'm giving up assholes". Then my female co-worker 2 was like "sorry Roger". Then "Roger"...names are being changed to protect the "innocent"--who I kind of tried to get something going but it never really happened---tells me I should give up being "mean". TTTTHHHHEEENNN...He said "Since I can't call you the real word" and then kinda of laughed it off. Then female co-worker number one was like yeah you do come up here looking like a straight up bitch...WTF! First of all everyone at my job knows I am NOT a morning person and that they will get "half sleep cranky ass" Earl face until 10:00am. It's been that way for 3 dam years! Everyone knows, it's a running joke! But more importantly I started thinking about what Roger said. He views me as mean but (and I told them both this) I'm like the nicest person, sometimes to a fault. Hey I'm protecting this douchebag's identity though he basically called me a bitch in the middle of the lunch room...helloooo how much nicer to ya get! Ugh...Okay will get to why this post is on this blog...The above is what "Earl" thought but "Earliana" was like "But I'm not that way! Sometimes I'm just scared!". And there it is folks. If I haven't done so already I will begrudgingly quote P.Diddy, or Diddy, or whoever the hell he is this week..."It's easy to be [Earl] but it's harder to be [Earliana]". I definitely think ever since the first day of high school when every teacher got my first name wrong and I started going by "Earl", I've created a "safe" identity. Back then I was comin off a really bad time in jr. high---like chronic depression and daily suicidal thoughts all because I was picked on all day every day in my 8th grade class. So when I got to high school on that first it seemed like my slate had gotten wiped clean.. A. I wasn't the only big girl in the school or my grade for that matter (I went from a class of 80 to a class of 437!) B. Like everyone else I knew, nobody knew me because I was a freshman C. Everybody seemed busy with other things that first day lol. Of course I didn't trust it and thought people would revert after a couple of days in school to picking on me but it never happened. Later I would come to recognize this as the result of maturity or post puberty lol. But even still, ever since that first day I started taking chances and truly becoming a new and better person, while slowly stuffing some of my insecurities away. I went from never wanting to be seen, eating lunch in a dark auditorium by myself---with permission from the principal and social worker---to by my Senior year being 1st runner up for Homecoming queen! Cray cray huh? Well, though I shed a lot about timid, always vulnerable, ready to cry and give up "Earliana"....sometimes she creeps back in. I'm pretty sure this is why I don't like going by Earliana...yes I feel like I'm getting reprimanded by my mother, but also because until I started going by Earl...Earliana had no real identity except as a victim. Okay so how does this relate to "Roger"....During college, I didn't even really start focusing on men until like my jr year. I was just geeked to be there! But as there isn't a lot of choice in super christian Kirksville, Mo...I wasn't too sad nothing popped off there...though there will be a Carlos blog I'm sure (more deets later on that situation...). Now, as a 29 year old VIRGIN...yeah you read right lol....I think about men and sex all the time lol. Seriously, I'm like a horny 12 yr old boy. But I guess somewhere between going to college, trying to become a working actor, and still being a virgin I adapted a rather negative view towards men. I've mentioned it before but "Earl" is this confident, independent, sassy actor creative artist...but "Earliana" is the part of me that always feels like the D.U.F.F....Designated Ugly Fat Friend. I mean if you are overweight you have been that girl. When you're out with your friends and guys walk past you to your girlfriends like you're not even there. When they walk into the club and there eyes glide right past you to every OTHER girl in the club, when they sometimes tell you outright that you're "too big" for them yeah it's hard not feeling like the ugly fat friend that every one sees brings out, out of pity. Now before all of my friends start with the "you're being stupids" or the "You're beautiful" crap...this girl is a part of me that I NEVER, EVER, let out. I try to stuff down vulnerable "Earliana" as much as possible because nothing good ever can come out of that thinking. But if all men see is this wise cracking, independent, sassy woman should it be a surprise that this guy would think I'm a bitch? To his credit, my form of flirting is also pretty jr. high...hitting them, cracking jokes on them, doing anything to get his attention, even if it is negative attention. Combined that with my 'I don't need anyone cause I'm Earl!" confidence I guess that's how you get the image of me as a bitch..ugh...ugh squared dammit. I've talked about this with my shrink a lot...I know I need to let me see "me" but it seems so defeating I mean aren't we supposed to show only are best qualities...at least until date 3-4? okay kidding... but for reals... How do you all manage it? Being witty, funny, and flirtatious without smacking a guy and coming off as unapproachable or in 'Roger's" words...a BITCH? I know I'm not the first or the last person to pose this question but I'm up for any suggestions! Phabitchly Yours, Earl