Sticky Feeling

So, I'm still a little excited about my come from behind win last night with the dinner I made. I mean liek I want to like tell people then I had this thought....I know a lot of people wither trying to loose weight or struggling with weight (the phab and phlab stick together baby lol)...and I don't want to be the inadvertent douchebag who's like "Look at me! I'm so excited about this really hard thing I accomplished"....when really what THEY are hearing is "Hey look at me succeeding at the one thing you're trying really hard to do!". and I know that sound like bullshit and that I'm caring wayyy too much about what people think but it's coming from a place of experience. I have been that person who when faced with someone who is succeeding at anything but especially weightloss when I'm not, I feel like I gotta eat crow, smile and be happy for them when all I really want to do is go get a Boston Creme doughnut form Dunkin Doughnuts and cry. Emotional eater...maybe lol.



This one is a sticky one. I mean last night...you don't know how flippin good my red and beans and rice was and to not only eat 1 cup instead of two with a salad was like willpower brownie points man! I have been wanting the disciplined side of me to kick in for like 2 dam months and now when it happens (it may not happen again lol) I feel like I can't tell anybody. This is even more stickied in that I had already decided should I get the lapband that I would tell people how I was loosing weight but I would not celebrate it. In that situation it would be because well I was doing any of the work lol so why congratulate me on getting a silicone ring implanted in my body to control my weight....responsible yes, hard...no. That reasoning made since but now it's like I'm doing it on my own so why not celebrate it?



This is why minority on minority crime exits (bad transition but I promise I have a point), why women don't talk about themselves, why people like Perez Hilton (which I listen to every morning faithfully) have jobs, these are things or instances in which society tear others down because of what they may or may not have or because of their insecurities. Part of me would LOVE to be a celebrity but part of me is like there is NOOOO way I could hack all that pressure. You have to be a very strong person to deal with people telling you're not thin enough, tall enough, rich enough, smart enough everyday. Then you turn on the tv and their scrutinizes your cellulite (I was transfixed by an article on this in STAR while at Walgreens the other day). then you go online and people take a photo taken at a bad angle and say dumb shit like "So-and so is dying!" or hopped up on coke, or gay, or a sex addict....UGH! In that respect I have A TON of respect for celebrities who survive that shit (see Christina Aguilera, Lindsey Lohan, and Charlie Sheen of celebrities who HAVE not survived the Hollywood Celebrity Mill). But they also have millions of dollars to keep their mind at ease, I got a decent apartment, my PT cruiser, and bank account that get's dangerously close to $0 every two weeks lol....



Sorry, went on a tangent there but for reals....what am I going to do? I get being ashamed to talk about gaining weight and being fat, been there done that but being ashamed of even the smallest victories just seems STUPID!.....dam I really don't know how to deal with this one...I mean even if I start opening up to those in my immediate circle about this, they will of course support me but at what cost to their own psyche? ...hmmm...I clearly don't think about myself enough lol. Which also why people who loose weight are villified after doing so! They change and become "better" which makes everyone who has not changed feel like they are bad so what do we do...we create unnecessary hate on's (Sorry JHud lol) because it's easier to openly nitpick and negate someone else's success than be okay with our own successes or lack there of.

Just had a frightening epiphany....most people would say "well stick around those who are going to support you" but what if those who have always supported are not in that group? Like when I first started WW back in 2005, my mother who has generally always supported me got morally offended when I asked her to bake a pork steak for me instead of frying it! She like outright refused to do it....citing every reason from it would make more dishes to clean, to she didn't want to turn on the stove and get the house all warm, to just asking me why I couldn't eat like everybody else! I mean though this example included my mom, I can't turn away from my family and friends just because they have issues (I've seen this done before and no one will loose but me!), but if I don't feel comfortable confiding in them who do I confide in? Well logic says find some new folks, without letting go of the old folks, to talk to. But then what if the old folks find out I'm living it up with a new group of friends? They will think I've "turned my back" on them? I know all this sounds like I'm freaking for nothing but I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN! I have seen people loose weight around me and then loose friends because they're friends don't want to change and thus can't understand someone who has. Dude that is fuckin scary! It's like your doomed either way. Hell that's when I grab a glass of wine and flip everyone the bird!


Clearly sticky....sticky in deed.....