So who said I couldn't workout on the weekends? Yup that would be me.
It's been like 2-3 weeks and I think I have a routine down lol. I plug in one evenign during the week to get in like 20 minutes (it's usually more) of walking then I take two 30 minute walks on Sat and Sun. At first I was like "no one exercises like this. I'm supposed to do 3 days a week and have the weekends free". Then it dawned on me today...aren't Sat and Sunday still days of the week? lol. I realized that in the past I have been looking at what others are doing/what WW suggests/doctor recommends and basing my activity level off that then berating myself when I couldn't stick to something that someone else who knows nothing about my body or activity level said lol.
And the kicker thing is...I FEEL GOOD! I mean I know I have lost some inches in my waist even if the scale is still being stupid (I lost 2 of the 2.2 I gained last week after Beerfest lol). Am actually excited to be working out regularly again. And by the way I have also been telling myself that walking isn't a "workout". That 20 minutes isn't enough because my heart rate's not getting up. All this stuff I've been saying in my head and for what? I used to not want to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage if I'd dropped it 6 months ago! Now if I'm walking I may actually stop to pick up other people's trash just cause it throws off the exteics of my walking path lol...LMAO....I just really needed to jot down this view I had on exercise. It seems like because everyone has a say on how to exercise and what works I was trying to take all that in but not make it my own. I am proud that I walk. I am proud that I walk on the weekends and during the week. PERIOD. If that's not good enough for somebody else then oh well. It works with my schedule (not against it!) cause I'm planning them out and I'm limiting the times so I don't back out or get let down. And I feel great and isn't that the point?
Am really sleepy now, been running errands and getting crap together for my agent so I am going to treat myself to a nap and then go to the gym (for the first time in like a year and a half) with my friend Mary and treat myself to a eliptical machine and a swim before work. Look at me...WEEKEND WARRIOR! I missed my Thursday 15 minute walk so this willnot only be a treat (I love the pool), but I will more than make up for it! Okay I don't like the sounnd of making up...no I am moving on....saving up for a better workout? I don't know but I don't want to say make up because that sounds like I'm judging myself a little bit. Like I HAVE to or something will happen lol. Moving on..yeah. I know I'm making up but I willJedi mind trick myself and simply not work it that way lol.
Okay I know I just blew yall with that last paragraph lol. Am sleepy lol...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter Sunday at Lake Katherine...
Ahhhh.....
Big shout out to my girl Jeannie for recommending walking at Lake Katherine in Palos Hills, IL.....simply stunning on this gorgeous spring day! I also want to apoligize to Jeannie for being late...a habit that is slowly getting out of control again lol. I'm fairly certain Lake Katherine is man made but the quality of the habitat is awesome. The fat geese, ducks, and swans---yes I said swans---do not have that "I've been living in a zoo my whole life" look. They were just like the pictures you see in encyclopedias and other smart books like that lol.
It's a little weird though because on the north side of the lake only about 20 feet of land seperate the lake and a river lol! The river is very "this river is to transport industrial crap" rather than the large open lake that was glittering in the Easter Sunday sunshine. Speaking of....
I found it sooo relaxing to just not think. It's amazing to me how when I walk I'm so focused on breathing or where I'm walking that it's the one time I can effectively shut out the constant "What am I doing now/tomorrow/ next week/I need to write/loose weight/get laid" ticker tape than kind of plays through my head 24/7. Though there were families and people out there walking their dogs and stuff for all intents and purposes I had effectively blocked it out so much it was like my own little happy world of Earl lol. I had my music to also help with that lol. Today's walking selection, Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream"....favorite songs include E.T., Teenage Dream, Peacock, and my number one song her album Circle the Drain.
One thing I both loved and hated about the walking trail was that it was all mulch. I hated it because I actually had to pay attention to where I was walking because there were a fair amount of muddy patches due to the recent rain. And of course all that traction kind of slows you down, which sucks when you're trying to get in a good stride lol. On the other hand, I loved it because it was nice and spongy and my heals didn't hurt afterwards like they normally do after walking on concrete. The path is curvy and even has points where it goes up and down hill so the mulch helps with grip. It is a tad far from my house but if I do it like I did today (I stopped off on the way to my mom's) it will be a good monthly get away. A great place to wind down and get centered!
I'm not gonna lie though....I totally had a "I'm a black woman walking in a nature preserve near a affluent predominantly white suburb" moment lol. I mean like right when I first get on the trail what do I see...a guy who looks similar to Drew Peterson, complete with chintzy sunglasses and stache' looking at the dingey river . Part of me was like "Who wants to look at that! I mean it's a river clearly used for industrial shipping...so why you over there Drew#2? Casing where to dump your next victim?" So, my naturally paranoid side immeadiately tensed for an attack (why? It was broad daylight on a well populated trail) and...rightfully felt like a major asshole when as we passed he smiled warmly and told me good morning lol.....clearly my overactive imagination was in full swing this morning.
Other things I saw....the stereotypical mid-thirties suburban mom trying to walk/jog off the baby weight, toddlers playing in the sticks and leaves (that was kinda cute), and largest friggin swans I have ever seen! I mean these two behemoths had to be 4 feet long from beak to butt! And seriously...pure WHITE.
Absolutely stunning in the sunlit lake. Even the large hungry looking geese were regal looking. Oh and I saw like a whole island of turtles sunning themselves lol. No snakes or other nasties thank god.
And right when I thought I'd seen my fill of huge animals...these people come around the corner walking the largest dog I have ever seen, in fact I can only characterize his breed as BIG ASS DOG lol. Weight wise the dog was actually rather thin but the dam dog easily came up to my natural waist and I'm 5'8! I mean the dog came up to the dog's owner's wife's like waist/elbow! BIG ASS DOG....but he was very well trained thank god1
I was hoping to just get around the one mile trail once maybe twice (I did it twice in 50 minutes). I was terrified last night that I would embarass myself by passing out trying to walk any distance over a mile which is kinda my comfort zone. But I said I was going to just take my time and not rush. Pull over if I need to. I saw today that not only can I walk more than a mile and stay upright lol, once I start walking more to get my endurance up (5K walk in 4 weeks!), I'll be able to take advantage of the adrenaline boosts more. It took me like the first whole mile (which clocked in at like 30 minutes) to get to a good stride. But once I hit my stride, I started really covering ground! It's always that first 20 minutes of "This sucks/is boring/it's too hot/cold/too many people out here" crap I go through because it's hard and I'm still getting in shape, that I have to fight through. I didn't say I'm out of shape because I'm in progress lol. But I think that's natural for anyone getting used to an exercise regimen. By the end, my conscience was like "One more lap...do it! do it! do it! Let's do the dam thing!" but my legs were saying "walk another mile and we'll start cramping up on youuuuuu!" lol. I'm also glad I walked alone because it gave me time to focus on the new environment and to feel okay to pull back when I was pushing too hard. This is one thing I think I may be more successful at doing alone. Kudo independence points there!
After all this, the activity points kinda seemed like an after thought. I was just happy to be in the sun, out seeing cool things doing something new (oh and did I mention the waterfall garden?) enjoying time with me and for me!
....All in all probably the most peaceful and serene Easter I've had to date!....
My Now Absolutely Firm Guidelines (rules sounded too harsh) to Successful Habitual Walking
In attempts to create my own unique walking regimen, I wanted to jot down some things that are working FOR ME (they may not work for you!) after a couple of weeks of successfully walking more than once lol (hey baby steps people). Plus walking is free and I want to become better at it because I do enjoy it....when I'm in shape lol. So, being concistent will both keep me in shape and keep walking enjoyable....as long as I follow these guidelines!....
(FYI...I decided to write this from the point of my inner ego/voice/conscience....just to keep things interestingly funny.
It's not directed at anyone but me lol.)
1. If you actually plan your walks---like write in your planner with your other important can't forget dates---- you'll be more likely to do them. This is working primarily because once you've cleared your schedule to walk, you know you're going to feel guilty when you try to find something, usually not more important, to do instead of walking so ....just take the daggone walk lol. Also plan---like write it in your planner the lengths of your walks too so you're not setting yourself up for disappointment! If you know your weekdays are going to be packed that means less sleep, so no morning walks, and late nights so no night walks. Don't even plan in that dumbness! There are 168 hours in a week, so it is possible AND PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to find time to eat, sleep, work, AND walk. Even if the sleeping and walking on happens on the weekends lol. Pure genuis this "planning" thing is lol....
2. Eating breakfast is an excuse you tell yourself to get out of walking....you know you do this, so quit even coming up with that one lol. You can eat when you get home and you know you'll be sated after eating and less likely to move, so, don't even think about it lol.
3. Showering is not a valid excuse either...you' re gonna be sweaty after you walk...nice try tho...
4. Facebook/Blogging/Watching TV or a Movie/Working on Gigs/Checking Your Email....are also not valid excuses for not walking lol. You're gonna do all that anyway so don't pull that crap during the time you've planned to walk. The increased energy and weightloss is great but from a mental health side...walking zones you out so you focus better, and your wonderfully creative and imaginative brain deserves and absolutely NEEDS the break time lol.
5. When you walk...only walk somewhere interesting.....this is now a firm absolute RULE. It passes the time much faster and it simply makes the walk more enjoyable. You may have to drive to get somewhere interesting or get creative with your routes but it's worth the 5 minutes of extra work because you'll enjoy it more and you'll get a better walk in. Just thought I'd mention this since you've been beating yourself up about why you don't walk at work anymore lol. Simply, Chicago's Medical District is just not as cool as your Norman Rockwell-esque neighborhood lol.
6. Music is a necessity. So, take your phone AND mp3 player....in case one looses power. Walking without music is like walking bare ass naked down Michigan avenue....though I HIGHLY encourage it at home :)....
7. TAKE YOUR TIME...moving is moving wether you're leisurely window shopping walking, power walking, jogging or sprinting. You're not at athlete or at "fit" status yet but you are human with two legs and capable of moving! So, JUST MOVE no matter what the pace. It does not make you any less of a person when RoboSuburban Mom passes you up lol. Speaking of....
8. When warming up....it is okay to bring along a cup of coffee or digital camera to enjoy while you start off at a slow window shopping pace--- despite what you are thinking self consciously in your head as the other people you have deemed "healthy" pass you up lol. First off you know you like working out in the morning because you're half sleep and thus less able to find reasons to stop you from walking lol. So after you grab your coffee and have started walking, you'll have warmed up the gams enough to work yourself into a good stride by the time you finish your cup. In which you will also be fully awake and more focused on finishing the walk! This is your process don't change it (though the coffee is optional lol). Yes, it means you will walk longer but when has that ever been a bad thing lol.
9. Take a "cool down" walk. You ain't that in shape---and will never be able because of your joints---to avoid this! Plus we've made a living at injuring ourselves so let's not encourage that by not warming up and cooling down lol.
10. Walking in the morning on the weekends pays bigger dividends (longer, more intense walks) because you don't have to rush. There are no time limits. So, think about other ways to move during the week in case the evenings are packed (like they so often are :0) ). Think Zumba which you know is exactly an hour or the sectioned ten minute dance dvd's you can mix and match cause a sista needs her sleep working two sometimes three gigs at a time!
Planning + these guidelines will replicate that "I feel fit and energized" feeling you enjoy after a good walk (no matter what the length)!
Ignoring your tried and true customized guidelines in favor of trying to exercise like 'skinny/fit' people/according to what the doctors say/what WW's say is recommended/what other people are doing---will lead you to failure EVERY TIME. We know this! So let's be different and flip that kind of planned failure the bird and trust in what we've discovered today. You'll stick to staying active more, which makes you hard working and responsible not any less of a person for doing what you are honestly capable of COMMITTING to!
Rinse, wash, and repeat!
"Your 30's Are to Learn the Lessons..."
You dam right I just quoted Carrie from the Sex In the City movie lol. FYI, this blog is only going to be loosely related to my WL journey just fyi. But I got a pretty upsetting call today from my sister. Suffice to say she'd gotten some bad news from her job and I wasn't expecting for her to be as torn up about it as she was. Not because it wasn't bad news but because I'd always assumed that she could hide any emotion, but to hear her break down...really upset me.
When we were younger, she like my mom, never really showed any emotion besides happiness which was rare because well we're siblings and anger (at me for doing something annoying to her no doubt). I'm not trying to draw some picture of a horrible up bringing or anything, I mean we're 8 years a part and I've always admittedly been the "annoying little sister". And she by design has always been the "responsible older sister" lol.
But now with me about to turn 30 and she about to turn 38 it appears as though perhaps the things I have learned about life have only shown me ironically how SIMULAR we are. I found myself telling her some of the things she's told me for years and some new advice with my own Earl-twist on it lol. Like the old addage "God lets you know what you need to be focusing on when it's time" and by revealing to her my lap band/WL journey. She knew I was trying to loose weight but not about the lap band deadline. I told her about the moment my hip went out on me and I coudln't do anything but cry and pop pills. I told her that I didn't want to be saddled with a bad hip at 29 when it's always the hips that go first on bigger people. The pain I sustained was due to injury add my weight and age combined...I decided I didn't want to put my body through that kinda of pain all because I didn't want to do what was hard and simply loose weight.
See I told you I would loosely relate it lol.
I just feel kind of stunned because all these years my sister and I have only seen our differences it's just strange to see that we both worry, and love, and detest, I just show my emotion on my sleeve like a bleeding frickin heart whereas she has a better pokerface. When I was younger I simply thought she didn't "feel" or care and that I was just being overdramatic. I hate that word because my mom and sister have always seen me as that. And when I was younger I always thought I was treated like the "sensitive" one because there was something wrong with me. My mom and sister weren't all "emotional". So, I saw myself as weaker and rightlfully rebelled by always trying to express myself so as not be silenced. Ohhhh the mind of a 16 yr old.
But at 30 (basically lol), I see now what I didn't see back then was that they felt and we presently feel the exact same emotions intensely----we just differ in how we show them. And that showing or not showing them has no effect on the feelings themselves or us. I saw (or heard rather, we were on the phone) today that a hurt hurts...wether you voice it aloud or not. I've always put that value judgement of "it hurts and they think I'm weak" because I took their laughing at me for getting worked up over something as them dismissing my feelings or inadvertedly making me feel dumb or weak because I couldn't "get over" things. I see now that even they haven't gotten over everything and on flip side that they not only feel but they feel intensely. Do my mother and sister still have awesome poker faces....yup. Am I still a sap who wears their emotions on their sleeves...you dam right!
I HAVE to understand what I feel because I do feel things vividly which kinda freaks me out so then I have to figure out why whatever I'm experiencing is effecting me so strongly. Yes, I just went all heady analytical on you but I actually like that. That I can enjoy being pissed off at someone and enjoy being happy (working on that everyday though). I love that I strongly express my emotions. I think we all think showing too much of our inner scared selfs (we all got em) will make people see us as weak. But I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to focus on not only how I see MYSELF but about being honest about what I see. I have learned and seen others learn the hard way that lying to oneself is like seriously the hardest thing you can go through emotionally. And if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with? lol.
And I'm not saying my sister isn't or I'm better because of how she shows her emotion (that'd be dumb)...I just learned that I'm definitely not weaker for showing it. Maybe slightly ridiculous in how but not in the why behind the emotion...yes heady pseudo intellectual bs is my specialty, ah thank you....lol
When we were younger, she like my mom, never really showed any emotion besides happiness which was rare because well we're siblings and anger (at me for doing something annoying to her no doubt). I'm not trying to draw some picture of a horrible up bringing or anything, I mean we're 8 years a part and I've always admittedly been the "annoying little sister". And she by design has always been the "responsible older sister" lol.
But now with me about to turn 30 and she about to turn 38 it appears as though perhaps the things I have learned about life have only shown me ironically how SIMULAR we are. I found myself telling her some of the things she's told me for years and some new advice with my own Earl-twist on it lol. Like the old addage "God lets you know what you need to be focusing on when it's time" and by revealing to her my lap band/WL journey. She knew I was trying to loose weight but not about the lap band deadline. I told her about the moment my hip went out on me and I coudln't do anything but cry and pop pills. I told her that I didn't want to be saddled with a bad hip at 29 when it's always the hips that go first on bigger people. The pain I sustained was due to injury add my weight and age combined...I decided I didn't want to put my body through that kinda of pain all because I didn't want to do what was hard and simply loose weight.
See I told you I would loosely relate it lol.
I just feel kind of stunned because all these years my sister and I have only seen our differences it's just strange to see that we both worry, and love, and detest, I just show my emotion on my sleeve like a bleeding frickin heart whereas she has a better pokerface. When I was younger I simply thought she didn't "feel" or care and that I was just being overdramatic. I hate that word because my mom and sister have always seen me as that. And when I was younger I always thought I was treated like the "sensitive" one because there was something wrong with me. My mom and sister weren't all "emotional". So, I saw myself as weaker and rightlfully rebelled by always trying to express myself so as not be silenced. Ohhhh the mind of a 16 yr old.
But at 30 (basically lol), I see now what I didn't see back then was that they felt and we presently feel the exact same emotions intensely----we just differ in how we show them. And that showing or not showing them has no effect on the feelings themselves or us. I saw (or heard rather, we were on the phone) today that a hurt hurts...wether you voice it aloud or not. I've always put that value judgement of "it hurts and they think I'm weak" because I took their laughing at me for getting worked up over something as them dismissing my feelings or inadvertedly making me feel dumb or weak because I couldn't "get over" things. I see now that even they haven't gotten over everything and on flip side that they not only feel but they feel intensely. Do my mother and sister still have awesome poker faces....yup. Am I still a sap who wears their emotions on their sleeves...you dam right!
I HAVE to understand what I feel because I do feel things vividly which kinda freaks me out so then I have to figure out why whatever I'm experiencing is effecting me so strongly. Yes, I just went all heady analytical on you but I actually like that. That I can enjoy being pissed off at someone and enjoy being happy (working on that everyday though). I love that I strongly express my emotions. I think we all think showing too much of our inner scared selfs (we all got em) will make people see us as weak. But I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to focus on not only how I see MYSELF but about being honest about what I see. I have learned and seen others learn the hard way that lying to oneself is like seriously the hardest thing you can go through emotionally. And if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with? lol.
And I'm not saying my sister isn't or I'm better because of how she shows her emotion (that'd be dumb)...I just learned that I'm definitely not weaker for showing it. Maybe slightly ridiculous in how but not in the why behind the emotion...yes heady pseudo intellectual bs is my specialty, ah thank you....lol
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Back to WW Meetings!...and a whole lot of other stuff that I tie in lol...
So, I forgot to write about this...
Saturday my friend Noelia (who is trying to loose some baby weight but has struggled with her weight as I have) and I finally hooked up and went back to meetings. For me, it's been about a year or so and I was VERY nervous about it. I mean I was expecting BORING so I went on the trusty WW message boards and put out a straight up desperate plea so that if this meeting sucked I go to other meetings in addition to this one that I have to go to because it's the midway point (Oak Lawn) for Noelia and I.
First off, turns out my friend from WW Jeannie that I meant a few years ago, who's younger and more into stuff I do (than the old foagies at the Oak Park location), goes to the same meeting. And though it was a little quiet, apparently the 8:30am meeting is pretty lively. The leader is an older women but really nice. Much livelier than the woman I had in Oak Park.We'll see this weekend. Oh did you miss that?...Earl's VOLUNTARILY going to a SATURDAY 8:30 friggin AM WW meeting lol. But the good thing is, you're in and out and I have the rest of my day! No more rushing from work and then being bummed about whatever happened at the meeting. Or not having time to celebrate or cook or anything because I've lost an hour of my evening. It was so nice I almost forgot it happened lol.
I said I would do anything and everything this time around including meetings with a GOOD leader. I want someone who does extra stuff in addition to the prescribed WW curriculum. I saw that they are advertising another 5K in that area in addition to the Elmhurst one (fyi walked 30 minutes on Sunday...yeah I did. I even PLANNED my other walks for the week...hoping I stick to it!). They were also giving out gold stars if you walked that week for the Elmhurst WW 5K so it looks like they are helping us keep track and be accountable...cool! I want gold stars! So, this could be a good meeting for me to start with. It's actually not as far as I thought it'd be either. It's a big center and for it to have been 8:30 we had to stand! I mean the weekends probably are full because of the weekdays being so hard to fit in these things. But like the material said, map out time for me. Map out your exercise, meetings, and other free time just for me. And make them non-negotiable! So, I did that! I do it with everything else why not with things that are just as important to my sanity lol?
Great Exercise Expectations...
In terms of my exercise, I decided to go away from the WW walk everyday plan because with two jobs and a performance this week (staged reading tonight!), I'd rather not rush it and just do it when I have planned time for it (versus "when I have time for it"..which is NEVER! lol). THAT is the loving myself aspect that I am working on. Being patient remember? Of course I'd like to walk everyday but I know I will get pissed off with myself when I watch tv at lunch instead of walking when dammit, I need to TAKE A BREAK sometimes lol. My job can be pretty stressful and that one hour is my hour. If I want to sit around and watch Barney Miller after I eat, it's my choice. As long as it is now IN ADDITION to my planned walking times and not INSTEAD of my planned walking times lol. Also, I realized this Sunday that because I'd PLANNED to walk, it wasn't such a big deal. I actually took TWO walks. One in the morning to the hardware store (and an extra block or two), then one a half a mile away actually to air up my bike that I then rode home! And, it was nice. I didn't feel rushed and it didn't feel forced cause I already knew I had to do it lol. This planning my exercise thing might actually work lol.
You Are Not Alone...
Anywho, back to the meetings...I am excited and both TERRIFIED....terrified because I have it all now. A new meeting location, not one but TWO really dedicated friends to help me through, my weightloss blog...I mean I might actually succeed this time and that unknown...it truly scary. I said that as I was leaving and another member who I didn't know was, like "don't say that you WILL succeed no might about it!". To that random WW...THANK YOU. Not that I thought I would fail...It's too early yet for that talk! But after 3 months of only having this blog to really express my feelings...it felt so good to not feel ALONE. I think it's what I've needed for a while. To be in a place where EVERY SINGLE PERSON around me is going through the journey too. No need to hide or write about it, when I can just talk about vent whine or celebrate with another human being! This is why I loved meetings when I first started WW what 6 years ago. TOO much of the time, I tell myself either "Everybody goes through this no need to bother people with your problems" or "nobody cares get it together!" either way it leaves me having to deal with this hard thing that makes me insecure that I feel I can't talk about. Then enters the shame because of it. Dude body image and self esteem is one subject that seems so easy ("just be happy!"---that was actual advice from a family member a while ago on how to counteract anxiety over my weight) but almost EVERY person deals with to one degree or another. Speaking of...saw that Arnold Schrwenagger is freaking out because he's aging lol. He "doesn't like what he sees in the mirror"...well he made all of his money being the muscular hunk what did he think that would last forever....ya 63 yr old crow's feet are natural! And believe me if he hadn't gotten a face life or whatever he did he'd still be that hot muscular hunk. It's all in how you rock it!
Yes I am the same girl who can say things like that and write a 4 page negative blog about my own waistline lol. I hate seeing the things I struggle with in other people. It actually doesn't make me feel better it makes me want to cheer them on cause I know what it's like to be alone (see me wrapping this shit back u ..yeah boi!). And it's for that reason that I write and I'm a supa softie...I'm a Cancer lol. That I document this journey...and it looks like I've finally found a couple of people (and hopefully a whole meetings' worth of people) who will cheer for me too :)....
Feeling Phsappy lol,
Earl
Saturday my friend Noelia (who is trying to loose some baby weight but has struggled with her weight as I have) and I finally hooked up and went back to meetings. For me, it's been about a year or so and I was VERY nervous about it. I mean I was expecting BORING so I went on the trusty WW message boards and put out a straight up desperate plea so that if this meeting sucked I go to other meetings in addition to this one that I have to go to because it's the midway point (Oak Lawn) for Noelia and I.
First off, turns out my friend from WW Jeannie that I meant a few years ago, who's younger and more into stuff I do (than the old foagies at the Oak Park location), goes to the same meeting. And though it was a little quiet, apparently the 8:30am meeting is pretty lively. The leader is an older women but really nice. Much livelier than the woman I had in Oak Park.We'll see this weekend. Oh did you miss that?...Earl's VOLUNTARILY going to a SATURDAY 8:30 friggin AM WW meeting lol. But the good thing is, you're in and out and I have the rest of my day! No more rushing from work and then being bummed about whatever happened at the meeting. Or not having time to celebrate or cook or anything because I've lost an hour of my evening. It was so nice I almost forgot it happened lol.
I said I would do anything and everything this time around including meetings with a GOOD leader. I want someone who does extra stuff in addition to the prescribed WW curriculum. I saw that they are advertising another 5K in that area in addition to the Elmhurst one (fyi walked 30 minutes on Sunday...yeah I did. I even PLANNED my other walks for the week...hoping I stick to it!). They were also giving out gold stars if you walked that week for the Elmhurst WW 5K so it looks like they are helping us keep track and be accountable...cool! I want gold stars! So, this could be a good meeting for me to start with. It's actually not as far as I thought it'd be either. It's a big center and for it to have been 8:30 we had to stand! I mean the weekends probably are full because of the weekdays being so hard to fit in these things. But like the material said, map out time for me. Map out your exercise, meetings, and other free time just for me. And make them non-negotiable! So, I did that! I do it with everything else why not with things that are just as important to my sanity lol?
Great Exercise Expectations...
In terms of my exercise, I decided to go away from the WW walk everyday plan because with two jobs and a performance this week (staged reading tonight!), I'd rather not rush it and just do it when I have planned time for it (versus "when I have time for it"..which is NEVER! lol). THAT is the loving myself aspect that I am working on. Being patient remember? Of course I'd like to walk everyday but I know I will get pissed off with myself when I watch tv at lunch instead of walking when dammit, I need to TAKE A BREAK sometimes lol. My job can be pretty stressful and that one hour is my hour. If I want to sit around and watch Barney Miller after I eat, it's my choice. As long as it is now IN ADDITION to my planned walking times and not INSTEAD of my planned walking times lol. Also, I realized this Sunday that because I'd PLANNED to walk, it wasn't such a big deal. I actually took TWO walks. One in the morning to the hardware store (and an extra block or two), then one a half a mile away actually to air up my bike that I then rode home! And, it was nice. I didn't feel rushed and it didn't feel forced cause I already knew I had to do it lol. This planning my exercise thing might actually work lol.
You Are Not Alone...
Anywho, back to the meetings...I am excited and both TERRIFIED....terrified because I have it all now. A new meeting location, not one but TWO really dedicated friends to help me through, my weightloss blog...I mean I might actually succeed this time and that unknown...it truly scary. I said that as I was leaving and another member who I didn't know was, like "don't say that you WILL succeed no might about it!". To that random WW...THANK YOU. Not that I thought I would fail...It's too early yet for that talk! But after 3 months of only having this blog to really express my feelings...it felt so good to not feel ALONE. I think it's what I've needed for a while. To be in a place where EVERY SINGLE PERSON around me is going through the journey too. No need to hide or write about it, when I can just talk about vent whine or celebrate with another human being! This is why I loved meetings when I first started WW what 6 years ago. TOO much of the time, I tell myself either "Everybody goes through this no need to bother people with your problems" or "nobody cares get it together!" either way it leaves me having to deal with this hard thing that makes me insecure that I feel I can't talk about. Then enters the shame because of it. Dude body image and self esteem is one subject that seems so easy ("just be happy!"---that was actual advice from a family member a while ago on how to counteract anxiety over my weight) but almost EVERY person deals with to one degree or another. Speaking of...saw that Arnold Schrwenagger is freaking out because he's aging lol. He "doesn't like what he sees in the mirror"...well he made all of his money being the muscular hunk what did he think that would last forever....ya 63 yr old crow's feet are natural! And believe me if he hadn't gotten a face life or whatever he did he'd still be that hot muscular hunk. It's all in how you rock it!
Yes I am the same girl who can say things like that and write a 4 page negative blog about my own waistline lol. I hate seeing the things I struggle with in other people. It actually doesn't make me feel better it makes me want to cheer them on cause I know what it's like to be alone (see me wrapping this shit back u ..yeah boi!). And it's for that reason that I write and I'm a supa softie...I'm a Cancer lol. That I document this journey...and it looks like I've finally found a couple of people (and hopefully a whole meetings' worth of people) who will cheer for me too :)....
Feeling Phsappy lol,
Earl
Friday, April 15, 2011
....*dun dun dun dunnnnnnn*...THE HOLLYWOOD MACHINE....
...hmmm read article about Disney tween queen Demi Lovato's stint in rehab (yes I harbour a secret love of celebrity gossip) and she sounds like so many female actors who have gone through the Hollywood Machine. The Hollywood Machine is that select group of power producers/studio execs/print editors/photographers who directly decide through their own popular media product (i.e. t.v., film, print, etc.) what aaceptable image of a woman or man is worthy of their product that almost everyone in the country buys, watches, talks about etc.
It's like a friggin broken record "the pressure to be thin", "the pressure to be perfect"...it makes me think..."Why in the HELL do I want to give thing acting career anymore of my time?". And not because I don't think I'm good enough or that I'm too fat surprisingly....a had a thought today that I have been going through some hard discoveries trying to change my mind and body over the past 4 months and I would hate to rid myself of that baggage only to move to L.A. to pickup MORE baggage and stress. Logic says DON'T DO IT! But acting is in my heart. Not to go all mushy but, my whole life unlike some folks I've never had a passion at young age to act but I was always safest when I could use my imagination. Wether I was writing, playing music in band, or eventually acting on stage, I've always found that I'm most happy using my imagination and creativity to enjoy life---which speaks directly to a career in acting lol.
So, I had to go do some work (what's that about lol)...and I came up with an answer to this dilemma that doesn't make me want to run to get a lp band, snort coke, and join rehab lol. I used to say in college that the only way I was ever going to get anywhere in the entertainment business was if I wrote roles for myself. Given all of the writing I've done in the last two years....I think it's time for me to write my next one woman show to....submit to Fringe Festivals around the country! Hey why not? I may not be getting on Glee or Transformers anytime soon, but theatre is what I love and what I do best...why not? I mean as much as I'd LOVE to just drop everything and go to L.A. not only is that not financially possible right now but it's emotionally possible...see first paragraph as to why lol.
So, again I got to thinking about this "solo show festival" idea and I realized not only could I produce it through 2 different 501c3 theatre's here in Chicago, honestly, I've been thinking about taking a break from "acting" to focus on my weight loss anyway. No I didn't just come up with that...it's been at the back of my head for a couple of weeks, I just didn't want to say it out loud (or in writing lol) because to me it meant the END of my acting career. But like any art crack head as long as I'm working in my art I'm happy so I think the solo fringe idea is a good thing.
Plus, I know sounds vain but honestly, I can't friggin focus on being confident and auditioning for roles when all I'm thinking the whole time "Am I too big? Am I too big? Am I too big?". lol Which, when trying to loose weight, is kind of counter productive lol. I'm not giving up on acting...it's in my heart. But if I'm going to act...I have to be strong in talent (despite the amount of reality televsion out there that doesn't really value talent), strong in body (I chave to be ready to play a frog or chorus member in a musical lol), but most importantly STRONG IN MIND. I know who I am, and no matter what role or money I am tempted by if I start changing who I am according to those changes can get me...what doI really believe in that is my won?
Oka that last sentence was wayyy deep lol.
I'm just saying if I'm always lying to myself to see the upside of every possible role ven if I have to be broke, starving, and in L.A. then...how do I stay happy in Chicago, my home, and my love lol. Ahhhh the point of this blog...it took a while but I found it lol. Since I have to stay with the agent till August/September if she sends me out on auditions I'll HAVE to go, per my contract. In the interim, I think I am going to go down to two shifts at the Goodman. I know I'm saving for my Boston trip but I can't wait till August to make time to write when festival deadlines are usually around the first of the year and I will not be rushed lol. I may write once a week or everyday depending on how hot the piece is that I'm working on. I'm going to crunch some numbers and make sure I can do this financially and then the journey begins...
It's like a friggin broken record "the pressure to be thin", "the pressure to be perfect"...it makes me think..."Why in the HELL do I want to give thing acting career anymore of my time?". And not because I don't think I'm good enough or that I'm too fat surprisingly....a had a thought today that I have been going through some hard discoveries trying to change my mind and body over the past 4 months and I would hate to rid myself of that baggage only to move to L.A. to pickup MORE baggage and stress. Logic says DON'T DO IT! But acting is in my heart. Not to go all mushy but, my whole life unlike some folks I've never had a passion at young age to act but I was always safest when I could use my imagination. Wether I was writing, playing music in band, or eventually acting on stage, I've always found that I'm most happy using my imagination and creativity to enjoy life---which speaks directly to a career in acting lol.
So, I had to go do some work (what's that about lol)...and I came up with an answer to this dilemma that doesn't make me want to run to get a lp band, snort coke, and join rehab lol. I used to say in college that the only way I was ever going to get anywhere in the entertainment business was if I wrote roles for myself. Given all of the writing I've done in the last two years....I think it's time for me to write my next one woman show to....submit to Fringe Festivals around the country! Hey why not? I may not be getting on Glee or Transformers anytime soon, but theatre is what I love and what I do best...why not? I mean as much as I'd LOVE to just drop everything and go to L.A. not only is that not financially possible right now but it's emotionally possible...see first paragraph as to why lol.
So, again I got to thinking about this "solo show festival" idea and I realized not only could I produce it through 2 different 501c3 theatre's here in Chicago, honestly, I've been thinking about taking a break from "acting" to focus on my weight loss anyway. No I didn't just come up with that...it's been at the back of my head for a couple of weeks, I just didn't want to say it out loud (or in writing lol) because to me it meant the END of my acting career. But like any art crack head as long as I'm working in my art I'm happy so I think the solo fringe idea is a good thing.
Plus, I know sounds vain but honestly, I can't friggin focus on being confident and auditioning for roles when all I'm thinking the whole time "Am I too big? Am I too big? Am I too big?". lol Which, when trying to loose weight, is kind of counter productive lol. I'm not giving up on acting...it's in my heart. But if I'm going to act...I have to be strong in talent (despite the amount of reality televsion out there that doesn't really value talent), strong in body (I chave to be ready to play a frog or chorus member in a musical lol), but most importantly STRONG IN MIND. I know who I am, and no matter what role or money I am tempted by if I start changing who I am according to those changes can get me...what doI really believe in that is my won?
Oka that last sentence was wayyy deep lol.
I'm just saying if I'm always lying to myself to see the upside of every possible role ven if I have to be broke, starving, and in L.A. then...how do I stay happy in Chicago, my home, and my love lol. Ahhhh the point of this blog...it took a while but I found it lol. Since I have to stay with the agent till August/September if she sends me out on auditions I'll HAVE to go, per my contract. In the interim, I think I am going to go down to two shifts at the Goodman. I know I'm saving for my Boston trip but I can't wait till August to make time to write when festival deadlines are usually around the first of the year and I will not be rushed lol. I may write once a week or everyday depending on how hot the piece is that I'm working on. I'm going to crunch some numbers and make sure I can do this financially and then the journey begins...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Food Addict? Emotional Eater?
Okay....so I had a couple of "those day"...days where I'm convinced I must be addicted to food lol.
So, the day before yesterday I had the DD disaster for breakfast then at lunch at pot stickers and szwechan veggies with rice which actually wasn't bad....till my big boss sat a pretty full box of Lil Debbie glazed cake doughnut holes in front of me. I knew that there were like 2-3 more unopened boxes (they were leftover from a meeting) so I proceeded to eat like half a box. I had to hand them to a co-worker to stop...yeah I felt pretty bad afterwards. Both physically and emotionally.
I mean I really kicked myself for it. I had a lunchable for dinner like 8 hours later cause I was still feeling like crap and it could have been avoided if I simply said no. So, yesterday I decided to "eat better" and "economically" so I packed lunch of spaghetti that I needed to get rid of anyway, with a bag of carrots and some McD's Southwest dressing...(don't you just love the taste of liquid corn chips :)?)....well, they had free lunch at one of the sites of one of the only things I'll eat here...spinach lasagna and salad. Well I made a plate and nibbled on that around 1pm...well I eat lunch at 2. Instead of having one for dinner or lunch the next day, because the lasagna tasted better I ate that with the carrots and salad...well then I wasn't full because I'd started eating it at 1, so I ate the spaghetti too. Ugh. I didn't feel as miserable as the day before but I made a promise to not eat at my second job. I didn't even take the lunchable I'd planned to take. Instead, I stared at cookies all night. I mean I would ask or go over there for a cookie two seconds after listing all the reasons I shouldn't! It was like automatic. Like my "healthy" voice (I erased "good"...trying to get out of value judgements) was getting punked by my "need to eat" voice. Ugh squared. I mean I was seriously fighting myself not to go over there and honestly...I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY! That's the killer part!
So, of course when I got home I kinda pigged out. Two McD's hamburgers, a side salad, and a large fry. I like INHALED it. And yeah I'm being SUPER honest here so no judgements please, I feel bad enough lol. So, then I started thinking what the hell is going on with me? Am I some kind of food addict?
So, being the consummate student I am, I went and looked it up and the field seems a bit dodgy but I don't hide food or binge THAT often. Maybe once a month or something. Oh and I don't through it up after (why waste good food dude?). So, I'm not sure what's going on with this. I mean I saw last night that it was more emotional than anything. I WANTED THAT FRIGGIN COOKIE! lol...and why?...because I SAID I wanted something sweet...but the thing was after my Italian lunch spectactular lol... I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY! Will talk to my shrink about this...doesn't seem emotional right to go into "cookie jones" over something I don't physically want..plus I'm not a huge chocolate chip eater lol. My analysis...I may not be a food addict but I think I'm an emotional eater. Don't let me get stressed or on my period I practically give myself a free pass (hence the once a month food fiestas lol). Will research this....
Your Phabulous Phood Detective...
Earl
So, the day before yesterday I had the DD disaster for breakfast then at lunch at pot stickers and szwechan veggies with rice which actually wasn't bad....till my big boss sat a pretty full box of Lil Debbie glazed cake doughnut holes in front of me. I knew that there were like 2-3 more unopened boxes (they were leftover from a meeting) so I proceeded to eat like half a box. I had to hand them to a co-worker to stop...yeah I felt pretty bad afterwards. Both physically and emotionally.
I mean I really kicked myself for it. I had a lunchable for dinner like 8 hours later cause I was still feeling like crap and it could have been avoided if I simply said no. So, yesterday I decided to "eat better" and "economically" so I packed lunch of spaghetti that I needed to get rid of anyway, with a bag of carrots and some McD's Southwest dressing...(don't you just love the taste of liquid corn chips :)?)....well, they had free lunch at one of the sites of one of the only things I'll eat here...spinach lasagna and salad. Well I made a plate and nibbled on that around 1pm...well I eat lunch at 2. Instead of having one for dinner or lunch the next day, because the lasagna tasted better I ate that with the carrots and salad...well then I wasn't full because I'd started eating it at 1, so I ate the spaghetti too. Ugh. I didn't feel as miserable as the day before but I made a promise to not eat at my second job. I didn't even take the lunchable I'd planned to take. Instead, I stared at cookies all night. I mean I would ask or go over there for a cookie two seconds after listing all the reasons I shouldn't! It was like automatic. Like my "healthy" voice (I erased "good"...trying to get out of value judgements) was getting punked by my "need to eat" voice. Ugh squared. I mean I was seriously fighting myself not to go over there and honestly...I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY! That's the killer part!
So, of course when I got home I kinda pigged out. Two McD's hamburgers, a side salad, and a large fry. I like INHALED it. And yeah I'm being SUPER honest here so no judgements please, I feel bad enough lol. So, then I started thinking what the hell is going on with me? Am I some kind of food addict?
So, being the consummate student I am, I went and looked it up and the field seems a bit dodgy but I don't hide food or binge THAT often. Maybe once a month or something. Oh and I don't through it up after (why waste good food dude?). So, I'm not sure what's going on with this. I mean I saw last night that it was more emotional than anything. I WANTED THAT FRIGGIN COOKIE! lol...and why?...because I SAID I wanted something sweet...but the thing was after my Italian lunch spectactular lol... I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY! Will talk to my shrink about this...doesn't seem emotional right to go into "cookie jones" over something I don't physically want..plus I'm not a huge chocolate chip eater lol. My analysis...I may not be a food addict but I think I'm an emotional eater. Don't let me get stressed or on my period I practically give myself a free pass (hence the once a month food fiestas lol). Will research this....
Your Phabulous Phood Detective...
Earl
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Food Find WARNING: DDSmart Menu...is a CROCK!
So, I decided to take a little swarray back into tracking today. Was feelin good, strong, in control but level headed. Went to Dunkin Doughnuts cause I really wanted a bagel, so I get the Multigrain with Strawberry cream cheese and a egg and cheese wake up wrap. I think I'm choosing healthy right? Well, the bagel ALONE was 9 points....for that I could have gotten a whole daggone Egg McMuffin at McDonalds! (is it bad I know these points values so readily? Nope!). Then the wakeup wrap which is literally an egg patty, slice of cheese, in a small flour tortilla---5 friggin points! NO BUENO DUDE! I mean like I can actually say I made what i thought were good choices. Avoided the "flavored and fatty" bagels. I did get cream cheese but it was reduced fat and I got a meatless egg wrap which in essence is a daggone taco not a real "wrap". Multigrains, reduced fat food, vegtarian option...can't go wrong right? But I'm not gonna trip because I'm glad I went for the multigrains, reduced fat (though I didn't relaly know that one ahead of time lol) and vegetarian options FIRST. But I think we can all admit that Dunkin just "got" me...lol. We live and we learn lol...
-E
-E
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Fruit Snob lol...
Since I have temporarily vacated the Penthouse (due the lil fuckers ---see previous blog), I went to Walmart to get few items to have on hand for the enxt couple of days. I've really gotten used to eating more fruit with WW. Like it helps it's 0 points, but more than that for someone like me who works two jobs and is always on the go fruit is both portable and won't go bad throughout the day (depending on what fruit you got). Like last week...I ate an orange a day. I NEVER buy oranges, but these looked so good and I feel less like a bum when I have some fresh fruit in the house. I decided the first day to eat it right around noon when I know I still have 2 hours till I eat and it gets it done! I mean I'm not full but it's refreshing and tasty.
Upon thinking of my orange craze I just went through I realize that though I love fruits and veggies, I definitely go through phases and like have rules about when I eat fruit lol. So check it...first of all I ONLY buy according to what's in season. I just can't afford not to lol. So in the winter it's a lot of apples, oranges, and bananas and in the summer melons, strawberries, and nectarines (the same is true of my veggies fyi). But like recently I started eating brussel sprouts...like every other week lol. Then I was on a grapefruit kick there for a minute, a strawberry thing for about two weeks....yeah I eat them in phases lol. It may also be because I cut back on buying lots of different produce at once because they all go bad at different times and I'm too lazy to check every day for their freshness lol.
Anywho the point of this very random blog is that I thought depending on fruit on the new WW plan would have me wolfing down tons of fruit a day to stay sated and what I have suspected for years is that...it don't take much with fruit specifically for me. A piece with breakfast has always kept me feeling fuller till lunch but that means I gotta buy more produce lol. But I do think I'm going to ride the piece of fruit before lunch train for a while. Because I feel like maybe that's why I'm not overeating as much at lunch. I have to note this discoveries so that I can remember what plan works for ME lol. Plus I like fruit more than veggies so it's less of a fight to get them in lol.
Plus again, you buy a bag of salad and it goes bad in two days so again if I can buy a bag of oranges that will last a week or two it's more economical for me and I still get the serving of fruit or veggies in.
Deuces,
Your Phantastic Kumquat (a.k.a. Earl)
Upon thinking of my orange craze I just went through I realize that though I love fruits and veggies, I definitely go through phases and like have rules about when I eat fruit lol. So check it...first of all I ONLY buy according to what's in season. I just can't afford not to lol. So in the winter it's a lot of apples, oranges, and bananas and in the summer melons, strawberries, and nectarines (the same is true of my veggies fyi). But like recently I started eating brussel sprouts...like every other week lol. Then I was on a grapefruit kick there for a minute, a strawberry thing for about two weeks....yeah I eat them in phases lol. It may also be because I cut back on buying lots of different produce at once because they all go bad at different times and I'm too lazy to check every day for their freshness lol.
Anywho the point of this very random blog is that I thought depending on fruit on the new WW plan would have me wolfing down tons of fruit a day to stay sated and what I have suspected for years is that...it don't take much with fruit specifically for me. A piece with breakfast has always kept me feeling fuller till lunch but that means I gotta buy more produce lol. But I do think I'm going to ride the piece of fruit before lunch train for a while. Because I feel like maybe that's why I'm not overeating as much at lunch. I have to note this discoveries so that I can remember what plan works for ME lol. Plus I like fruit more than veggies so it's less of a fight to get them in lol.
Plus again, you buy a bag of salad and it goes bad in two days so again if I can buy a bag of oranges that will last a week or two it's more economical for me and I still get the serving of fruit or veggies in.
Deuces,
Your Phantastic Kumquat (a.k.a. Earl)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
...those Lil' Fuckers!....
I have mice in my apartment...and I am NOT happy about it.
. I was fine...until the little fuckers went in my bedroom....Oh and now...there are TWO...one is dying in my bedroom I think cause it sounded like slow screeching or whining. That other fucker in my living room is alive and well lol. Had to sleep at my best friend's last night.
But this is one of those classic "Is this shit really happening to me?" kind of Earl moments lol... I'm on the phone with my LANDLORD asking him about the glue traps that the Lil Fucker in my living room is expertingly avoiding, and I notice the mouse has stopped scurrying around my baseboards and is just crouched behind a bookcase directly in front of me...waiting. Staring at me. I go towards the right...he moves to the left. I move to the left and that fucker moves to the right!
Now as much as I would have LOVED to play with Mickey all night I had to leave. Got a double slice from Dinico's but I only ate one piece (yay me). I plotted while eating to go home get my laptop and keys and stuff and baracade myself in my room (my bedroom door has a large gab at the bottom). So, I went home running around getting stuff and cutting off the lights. Apparently that is key my mom said. So, then the Lil Fucker won't see the trap before he runs into it. So, everything is going fine, I have my shit and I'm my bathroom right. Then I hear the screechy dying one...IN MY BEDROOM!!!.
I grabbed some drawls, my laptop, coat and purse and HIGHTAILED it out of there lol. I had already warned my mother I might be coming down but she is 45 minutes from me, then getting up for work would be a nightmare. Luckily, Del was at home and only 20 minutes away! It was my first time there, I just wish we could celebrated it a little more by dong something besides a late night escape from Animal Kingdom lol. Dudes I pay SINGLE OCCUPANCY rent and I will not cohabitate with the Lil Fuckers! Am not sleeping there till my landlord who is checking the traps daily CATCHES those Lil Fuckers. Sorry for the unnatural abundance of vulgarity but dudes...I DO NOT DO ANIMALS IN MY HOME!
The Penthouse (a.k.a my apartment) is my sanctuary. Sometimes, I just come home and sit on my couch in the dark with nothin on because that's peaceful to me lol. I love my kitchen and my rooms are large and yet cozy. Having things skittering around while I'm trying to relax....is not relaxing lol. Okay...am done talking about The Lil Fuckers....
Phreaked Out!
Earl
. I was fine...until the little fuckers went in my bedroom....Oh and now...there are TWO...one is dying in my bedroom I think cause it sounded like slow screeching or whining. That other fucker in my living room is alive and well lol. Had to sleep at my best friend's last night.
But this is one of those classic "Is this shit really happening to me?" kind of Earl moments lol... I'm on the phone with my LANDLORD asking him about the glue traps that the Lil Fucker in my living room is expertingly avoiding, and I notice the mouse has stopped scurrying around my baseboards and is just crouched behind a bookcase directly in front of me...waiting. Staring at me. I go towards the right...he moves to the left. I move to the left and that fucker moves to the right!
Now as much as I would have LOVED to play with Mickey all night I had to leave. Got a double slice from Dinico's but I only ate one piece (yay me). I plotted while eating to go home get my laptop and keys and stuff and baracade myself in my room (my bedroom door has a large gab at the bottom). So, I went home running around getting stuff and cutting off the lights. Apparently that is key my mom said. So, then the Lil Fucker won't see the trap before he runs into it. So, everything is going fine, I have my shit and I'm my bathroom right. Then I hear the screechy dying one...IN MY BEDROOM!!!.
I grabbed some drawls, my laptop, coat and purse and HIGHTAILED it out of there lol. I had already warned my mother I might be coming down but she is 45 minutes from me, then getting up for work would be a nightmare. Luckily, Del was at home and only 20 minutes away! It was my first time there, I just wish we could celebrated it a little more by dong something besides a late night escape from Animal Kingdom lol. Dudes I pay SINGLE OCCUPANCY rent and I will not cohabitate with the Lil Fuckers! Am not sleeping there till my landlord who is checking the traps daily CATCHES those Lil Fuckers. Sorry for the unnatural abundance of vulgarity but dudes...I DO NOT DO ANIMALS IN MY HOME!
The Penthouse (a.k.a my apartment) is my sanctuary. Sometimes, I just come home and sit on my couch in the dark with nothin on because that's peaceful to me lol. I love my kitchen and my rooms are large and yet cozy. Having things skittering around while I'm trying to relax....is not relaxing lol. Okay...am done talking about The Lil Fuckers....
Phreaked Out!
Earl
Monday, April 4, 2011
Everyday non-epiphany post lol...
I realized that I haven't had "the urge" to post simply because...I have nothing to freak out about this week. I did not win (I erased I lost) the weightloss challenge at my job. The winner lost 12 lbs in 2 months and I was second with...wait for it...an 8lb lost lol. Personally I think the scale was bootleg but hey I will take it cause I been weighing myself on the bootleg scale all along so there. Also, I think I'm actually okay with it. Man...I'm gonna be straight up real with yall...IT'S BEEN A HARD ASS 2 MONTHS! And not because of my waistline but because all of the pressure I've been putting on myself.
I am continuing my ode to be more patient and loving with myself by walking in the WW Walk It k on May 22nd! I mean this is a no brainer...sponsored by WW, non-competeitve, and in Elmhurst which is basically down the highway 15 minutes lol. Trese, Becca, and my WW friend Jeannie have signed up so far...let's so who actually makes it to May 22nd lol.
So, I just came back from my therapist's and it was a cryey day lol. But good cry this time. I told her that I'm seeing that everyday I have to work on being patient and truly managing my stress because between two jobs, acting, writing, and losing weight I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS without layering that layer of self judgment on it. I mean really yall...I had to breathe and really focus today not to bitch slap a coworker on a subject that had absolutely nothing to do with me lol. If I hadn't I would have thought about if she was passive aggressively trying to say something about my job performance or me as an adult..okay because it's funny I'll give you the short version.
I sub for the main receptionist when she is on lunch or needs to go to the bathroom. So, last week we had a creative discussion about the effects of her water pill on my work load. I report daily to THE ENTIRE AGENCY of 200 employees. She really only deals with one site so when she stops me every 2 ours to go pee I feel like I've earned the right to at leaast finish my thought before I go relieve her! Hell if we were going on her standards I'd have to learn to teleport to get there in the time she would like lol. Finally I sad if she doesn't have the where withall given she's taken these pills forever to call me before the piss is about to explode from her then THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM AND SHOULD NOT REFLECT ON ME IN ANY WAY (I said it slightly nicer lol)! Her management of her bladder is not in my job discription lol. Then today she wanted to act all snippy towards me when I didn't jump to her first pee break of the day and you know what I did...NOTHING. I didn't give her any power by acknowdgeing her childishness nor did I treat her any differently because you know...I got my own REAL problems/stress and her bladder ain't one of them! Uh, can I get an amen!!!
Everyday I struggle to realize things like this because as my therapist says life is suffering. I don't need to compound suffering by suffering over suffering lol. But it's hard because it's everyday and that's not a judgement on life! I mean for realieses and she was actually quoting a buddist when she said that but everyday we experience life, and death, bills, stress, relationship issues, or on the contrary success and sometimes we even agonize over that because it's human nature. I mean if anyone out there has a guide on how to be happy...that actually works..I will GLADLY invest lol. But there isn't...but I can look back on this blog and the past three months and say "but I made it through...that this is my journey" that I choose to change and that believe me ladies and gentlema IT IS HARD and sometimes it sucks but the little changes do add up...a moment at a time, a week at a time. Earl is changing but at her own Earl pace and that's okay...cause I am doin it. No more excuses...am shedding those...no more lying to myself...am shedding that...no more hiding the softer side of Earl , the vulnerability...am working on shedding that...am working on it...I am doing it...:).
Phabulously Yours,
Earl
I am continuing my ode to be more patient and loving with myself by walking in the WW Walk It k on May 22nd! I mean this is a no brainer...sponsored by WW, non-competeitve, and in Elmhurst which is basically down the highway 15 minutes lol. Trese, Becca, and my WW friend Jeannie have signed up so far...let's so who actually makes it to May 22nd lol.
So, I just came back from my therapist's and it was a cryey day lol. But good cry this time. I told her that I'm seeing that everyday I have to work on being patient and truly managing my stress because between two jobs, acting, writing, and losing weight I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS without layering that layer of self judgment on it. I mean really yall...I had to breathe and really focus today not to bitch slap a coworker on a subject that had absolutely nothing to do with me lol. If I hadn't I would have thought about if she was passive aggressively trying to say something about my job performance or me as an adult..okay because it's funny I'll give you the short version.
I sub for the main receptionist when she is on lunch or needs to go to the bathroom. So, last week we had a creative discussion about the effects of her water pill on my work load. I report daily to THE ENTIRE AGENCY of 200 employees. She really only deals with one site so when she stops me every 2 ours to go pee I feel like I've earned the right to at leaast finish my thought before I go relieve her! Hell if we were going on her standards I'd have to learn to teleport to get there in the time she would like lol. Finally I sad if she doesn't have the where withall given she's taken these pills forever to call me before the piss is about to explode from her then THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM AND SHOULD NOT REFLECT ON ME IN ANY WAY (I said it slightly nicer lol)! Her management of her bladder is not in my job discription lol. Then today she wanted to act all snippy towards me when I didn't jump to her first pee break of the day and you know what I did...NOTHING. I didn't give her any power by acknowdgeing her childishness nor did I treat her any differently because you know...I got my own REAL problems/stress and her bladder ain't one of them! Uh, can I get an amen!!!
Everyday I struggle to realize things like this because as my therapist says life is suffering. I don't need to compound suffering by suffering over suffering lol. But it's hard because it's everyday and that's not a judgement on life! I mean for realieses and she was actually quoting a buddist when she said that but everyday we experience life, and death, bills, stress, relationship issues, or on the contrary success and sometimes we even agonize over that because it's human nature. I mean if anyone out there has a guide on how to be happy...that actually works..I will GLADLY invest lol. But there isn't...but I can look back on this blog and the past three months and say "but I made it through...that this is my journey" that I choose to change and that believe me ladies and gentlema IT IS HARD and sometimes it sucks but the little changes do add up...a moment at a time, a week at a time. Earl is changing but at her own Earl pace and that's okay...cause I am doin it. No more excuses...am shedding those...no more lying to myself...am shedding that...no more hiding the softer side of Earl , the vulnerability...am working on shedding that...am working on it...I am doing it...:).
Phabulously Yours,
Earl
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