I realized that I haven't had "the urge" to post simply because...I have nothing to freak out about this week. I did not win (I erased I lost) the weightloss challenge at my job. The winner lost 12 lbs in 2 months and I was second with...wait for it...an 8lb lost lol. Personally I think the scale was bootleg but hey I will take it cause I been weighing myself on the bootleg scale all along so there. Also, I think I'm actually okay with it. Man...I'm gonna be straight up real with yall...IT'S BEEN A HARD ASS 2 MONTHS! And not because of my waistline but because all of the pressure I've been putting on myself.
I am continuing my ode to be more patient and loving with myself by walking in the WW Walk It k on May 22nd! I mean this is a no brainer...sponsored by WW, non-competeitve, and in Elmhurst which is basically down the highway 15 minutes lol. Trese, Becca, and my WW friend Jeannie have signed up so far...let's so who actually makes it to May 22nd lol.
So, I just came back from my therapist's and it was a cryey day lol. But good cry this time. I told her that I'm seeing that everyday I have to work on being patient and truly managing my stress because between two jobs, acting, writing, and losing weight I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS without layering that layer of self judgment on it. I mean really yall...I had to breathe and really focus today not to bitch slap a coworker on a subject that had absolutely nothing to do with me lol. If I hadn't I would have thought about if she was passive aggressively trying to say something about my job performance or me as an adult..okay because it's funny I'll give you the short version.
I sub for the main receptionist when she is on lunch or needs to go to the bathroom. So, last week we had a creative discussion about the effects of her water pill on my work load. I report daily to THE ENTIRE AGENCY of 200 employees. She really only deals with one site so when she stops me every 2 ours to go pee I feel like I've earned the right to at leaast finish my thought before I go relieve her! Hell if we were going on her standards I'd have to learn to teleport to get there in the time she would like lol. Finally I sad if she doesn't have the where withall given she's taken these pills forever to call me before the piss is about to explode from her then THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM AND SHOULD NOT REFLECT ON ME IN ANY WAY (I said it slightly nicer lol)! Her management of her bladder is not in my job discription lol. Then today she wanted to act all snippy towards me when I didn't jump to her first pee break of the day and you know what I did...NOTHING. I didn't give her any power by acknowdgeing her childishness nor did I treat her any differently because you know...I got my own REAL problems/stress and her bladder ain't one of them! Uh, can I get an amen!!!
Everyday I struggle to realize things like this because as my therapist says life is suffering. I don't need to compound suffering by suffering over suffering lol. But it's hard because it's everyday and that's not a judgement on life! I mean for realieses and she was actually quoting a buddist when she said that but everyday we experience life, and death, bills, stress, relationship issues, or on the contrary success and sometimes we even agonize over that because it's human nature. I mean if anyone out there has a guide on how to be happy...that actually works..I will GLADLY invest lol. But there isn't...but I can look back on this blog and the past three months and say "but I made it through...that this is my journey" that I choose to change and that believe me ladies and gentlema IT IS HARD and sometimes it sucks but the little changes do add up...a moment at a time, a week at a time. Earl is changing but at her own Earl pace and that's okay...cause I am doin it. No more excuses...am shedding those...no more lying to myself...am shedding that...no more hiding the softer side of Earl , the vulnerability...am working on shedding that...am working on it...I am doing it...:).
Phabulously Yours,
Earl
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