...hmmm read article about Disney tween queen Demi Lovato's stint in rehab (yes I harbour a secret love of celebrity gossip) and she sounds like so many female actors who have gone through the Hollywood Machine. The Hollywood Machine is that select group of power producers/studio execs/print editors/photographers who directly decide through their own popular media product (i.e. t.v., film, print, etc.) what aaceptable image of a woman or man is worthy of their product that almost everyone in the country buys, watches, talks about etc.
It's like a friggin broken record "the pressure to be thin", "the pressure to be perfect"...it makes me think..."Why in the HELL do I want to give thing acting career anymore of my time?". And not because I don't think I'm good enough or that I'm too fat surprisingly....a had a thought today that I have been going through some hard discoveries trying to change my mind and body over the past 4 months and I would hate to rid myself of that baggage only to move to L.A. to pickup MORE baggage and stress. Logic says DON'T DO IT! But acting is in my heart. Not to go all mushy but, my whole life unlike some folks I've never had a passion at young age to act but I was always safest when I could use my imagination. Wether I was writing, playing music in band, or eventually acting on stage, I've always found that I'm most happy using my imagination and creativity to enjoy life---which speaks directly to a career in acting lol.
So, I had to go do some work (what's that about lol)...and I came up with an answer to this dilemma that doesn't make me want to run to get a lp band, snort coke, and join rehab lol. I used to say in college that the only way I was ever going to get anywhere in the entertainment business was if I wrote roles for myself. Given all of the writing I've done in the last two years....I think it's time for me to write my next one woman show to....submit to Fringe Festivals around the country! Hey why not? I may not be getting on Glee or Transformers anytime soon, but theatre is what I love and what I do best...why not? I mean as much as I'd LOVE to just drop everything and go to L.A. not only is that not financially possible right now but it's emotionally possible...see first paragraph as to why lol.
So, again I got to thinking about this "solo show festival" idea and I realized not only could I produce it through 2 different 501c3 theatre's here in Chicago, honestly, I've been thinking about taking a break from "acting" to focus on my weight loss anyway. No I didn't just come up with that...it's been at the back of my head for a couple of weeks, I just didn't want to say it out loud (or in writing lol) because to me it meant the END of my acting career. But like any art crack head as long as I'm working in my art I'm happy so I think the solo fringe idea is a good thing.
Plus, I know sounds vain but honestly, I can't friggin focus on being confident and auditioning for roles when all I'm thinking the whole time "Am I too big? Am I too big? Am I too big?". lol Which, when trying to loose weight, is kind of counter productive lol. I'm not giving up on acting...it's in my heart. But if I'm going to act...I have to be strong in talent (despite the amount of reality televsion out there that doesn't really value talent), strong in body (I chave to be ready to play a frog or chorus member in a musical lol), but most importantly STRONG IN MIND. I know who I am, and no matter what role or money I am tempted by if I start changing who I am according to those changes can get me...what doI really believe in that is my won?
Oka that last sentence was wayyy deep lol.
I'm just saying if I'm always lying to myself to see the upside of every possible role ven if I have to be broke, starving, and in L.A. then...how do I stay happy in Chicago, my home, and my love lol. Ahhhh the point of this blog...it took a while but I found it lol. Since I have to stay with the agent till August/September if she sends me out on auditions I'll HAVE to go, per my contract. In the interim, I think I am going to go down to two shifts at the Goodman. I know I'm saving for my Boston trip but I can't wait till August to make time to write when festival deadlines are usually around the first of the year and I will not be rushed lol. I may write once a week or everyday depending on how hot the piece is that I'm working on. I'm going to crunch some numbers and make sure I can do this financially and then the journey begins...
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