"Your 30's Are to Learn the Lessons..."

You dam right I just quoted Carrie from the Sex In the City movie lol.  FYI, this blog is only going to be loosely related to my WL journey just fyi.  But I got a pretty upsetting call today from my sister.  Suffice to say she'd gotten some bad news from her job and I wasn't expecting for her to be as torn up about it as she was.  Not because it wasn't bad news but because I'd always assumed that she could hide any emotion, but to hear her break down...really upset me. 

When we were younger, she like my mom, never really showed any emotion besides happiness which was rare because well we're siblings and anger (at me for doing something annoying to her no doubt).  I'm not trying to draw some picture of a horrible up bringing or anything, I mean we're 8 years a part and I've always admittedly been the "annoying little sister".  And she by design has always been the "responsible older sister" lol.

But now with me about to turn 30 and she about to turn 38 it appears as though perhaps the things I have learned about life have only shown me ironically how SIMULAR we are.  I found myself telling her some of the things she's told me for years and some new advice with my own Earl-twist on it lol.  Like the old addage "God lets you know what you need to be focusing on when it's time"  and by revealing to her my lap band/WL journey.  She knew I was trying to loose weight but not about the lap band deadline.  I told her about the moment my hip went out on me and I coudln't do anything but cry and pop pills. I told her that I didn't want to be saddled with a bad hip at 29 when it's always the hips that go first on bigger people.  The pain I sustained was due to injury add my weight and age combined...I decided I didn't want to put my body through that kinda of pain all because I didn't want to do what was hard and simply loose weight.

See I told you I would loosely relate it lol.

I just feel kind of stunned because all these years my sister and I have only seen our differences it's just strange to see that we both worry, and love, and detest, I just show my emotion on my sleeve like a bleeding frickin heart whereas she has a better pokerface.  When I was younger I simply thought she didn't "feel" or care and that I was just being overdramatic.  I hate that word because my mom and sister have always seen me as that.  And when I was younger I always thought I was treated like the "sensitive" one because there was something wrong with me.  My mom and sister weren't all "emotional". So, I saw myself as weaker and rightlfully rebelled by always trying to express myself so as not be silenced.  Ohhhh the mind of a 16 yr old.

But at 30 (basically lol), I see now what I didn't see back then was that they felt and we presently feel the exact same emotions intensely----we just differ in how we show them. And that showing or not showing them has no effect on the feelings themselves or us. I saw (or heard rather, we were on the phone) today that a hurt hurts...wether you voice it aloud or not. I've always put that value judgement of "it hurts and they think I'm weak" because I took their laughing at me for getting worked up over something as them dismissing my feelings or inadvertedly making me feel dumb or weak because I couldn't "get over" things.   I see now that even they haven't gotten over everything and on flip side that they not only feel but they feel intensely.  Do my mother and sister still have awesome poker faces....yup.  Am I still a sap who wears their emotions on their sleeves...you dam right!

  I HAVE to understand what I feel because I do feel things vividly which kinda freaks me out so then I have to figure out why whatever I'm experiencing is effecting me so strongly.  Yes, I just went all heady analytical on you but I actually like that.  That I can enjoy being pissed off at someone and enjoy being happy (working on that everyday though).  I love that I strongly express my emotions.  I think we all think showing too much of our inner scared selfs (we all got em) will make people see us as weak.  But I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to focus on not only how I see MYSELF but about being honest about what I see.  I have learned and seen others learn the hard way that lying to oneself is like seriously the hardest thing you can go through emotionally.  And if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with? lol.

And I'm not saying my sister isn't or I'm better because of how she shows her emotion (that'd be dumb)...I just learned that I'm definitely not weaker for showing it.  Maybe slightly ridiculous in how but not in the why behind the emotion...yes heady pseudo intellectual bs is my specialty, ah thank you....lol