Meanie....

So apparently everyone think I'm a mean bitch at my job lol.  Luckily I can agree with them....but only partly.  First off if you catch me before 10:30am I'm probably angry that I'm awake.  If you caught me anytime before last year I was so angry and pissed off at my job and thenmyself for being reduced to staying at this craptastic place that I didn't care what my face looked like.  I hated this place and I hope people saw it and someone fired me to take me out of my misery.  But now I'm thinking that perhaps I wear my emotions on my sleeve when I'm out.  I mean I know I am very closed off when I'm out and I am intimidating but it just blows my mind that people who now know me still consider me a meanie becasue I don't smile or appear happy to be at work everyday.  Maybe it's the actor in me....I only try to be "on" when I'm onstage not 24/7. 

I am perplexed by this though.  That again even people who I'm cool with are like no you can be mean as hell.  I also think people get by no bullshit demanor confused because I don't waster time (that often), I'm organized, and I am rigid about protocol.  Whereas everyone here is ALWAYS looking for a dam shortcut to something.  Hmm will ponder this some more...

The UnPhab Meanie lol,

Earl

Are we attracted to that which is most like us?

So, with my new found confidence I decided to give online dating a try and it is becoming alarmingly clear that black women are getting short ass mammie end of the stick!  Like VERY few men who will date out of their race will date a black woman (regardless of how educated and non-dramafied she is lol)....but women of any race are much more likely to be attracted to a BLACK man.  I'm sure the big schlong myth has a lot to do with it lol.  But I think all the She-nay nay jokes of the 90's and the "ghetto ready to fight black girl" sterotype on EVERY reality tv show has pegged black women as too "dramafied"....or is it something else?

I'm mentioning this here because I'm trying not to play the race card on this dating thing.  Like real talk...this is one of those truly contreversial blogs that I'd normally never post but I'm curious enough to put these ideas into the ether lol....

I realized that my "dating" delimma may be due to something that I have not been willing to believe because I'm trying to think outside the box and not live in the past but........ I'm starting to think that that old addage that "we are attracted to that which is most like us" might be true.  Only problem is I'm attracted to that which is my exact opposite almost lol.  I mean so far on the dating site all my emails of interest have been from black men, who I'm not generally attracted to.  And let me just quantify that statement before everyone flips out...I've seen A LOT of dirt done by black men that simply put doesn't make me want to trust them.  And I know all men do dirt, but black men are of a different breed.  They will sleep with a man get HIV and bring it back home and say NOTHING to his wife/girlfriend.  He will impregnante multiple women at once with no intentions of taking care of any of them.  A black man will get caught in bed with another woman and have the dam audacityt o tell his girlfriend "it wasn't me" like her ass is blind! It's sad really....because it makes me feel like I'm being racist...BUT at the same time these are the same men who when in conversation will call me  "stuck up" because I talk with proper english (when I'm not swearing like a sailor) or "bouegois" when I suggest a Thai restaurant instead of mainstream italian.  Unfortunately I learned a long time ago to not apoligize for being who I am.  I love a challenge, trying new things, and considerting I have a Bachlor's degree in English I better talk with proper english considering all the dam money I spent to get my degree lol.

If it helps, I do find found myself attracted to lots of black men....unfortunately these are the same black men who will only date white women lol.  I mean what is up with that?  Even my white girlfriend K, was like "I don't usually go for black guys because they just assume I'm stupid and easy".  Dudes that was verbatim so even the white girls are like WTF lol?  I think what it is *PISSY ALERT...meaning I will probably piss a lot of people off with the next comment lol*, is that when you are a minority MAN and you date a white woman you get socially  "accepted" by the white culture by associuation. The more you date her the more you are ushered into a world where no one is going to immeadiately think you a gang banger, people are more likely to trust you than clutch their purse as you walk past them on the EL, and in general you will go and do things that the average minority women either isn't into or would never think of because she's "not exposed" enough.  So, now they (some black men) think like why date someone "small minded" in my own race when I can go for the golden apple of dates....the blond haired, blue eyed, educated, tanned beauty? Add in that she's probably is so unware of my culture that I can get away with more as long as I'm sexually adventurous in bed. I don't see why more people aren't surprised that minority women are getting the short ass "mammie" side of the stick? Yeah I went there cause that's whow we're (black women) treated---like loud, houseshoe wearing, chicken frying, always ready to fight IDIOTS (thank you real housewives of atlanta)...

And maybe I'm full of shit but I feel like I'm being pegged as a certain kind of black woman based on much more than just the color of my skin.  Even if men can look past or enjoy my phabulous phannie (my plus sized body...hence why this made it on this blog lol), I still have to deal with this race thing. This is a problem because I'm attracted to that which is the EXACT opposite of me lol....

1.  Generally Latino or White
2.  Over 6'0 tall
3.  Educated but with down home morals
4.  Into all kinds of music including r&b and some hip hop
5.  Likes to dance
6.  Willing to try new things

But if we factor in the "that which is like us" factor, I guess I should be looking for guys that are...

1. Black or Latino
2. 5'8 or taller
3. Educated but with down home morals

4. Into all kinds of music including pop, rock, and r&b

5. Likes to dance

But that's such a simple model...the reality of that is much more different as again, every black or latino man I've ever met or seen in action that fit that criteria was NOT looking at me or any black women for that matter.

Now if I posted this on my facebook everyone would be in dam uproar saying I'm racist, or I'm being too easy on myself by playing the race card as a reason for my ineptness at dating when really, if people would think and be real talk about the subject they'll see that..there is at least some truth to what I'm saying. Hell look at every black/mixed race professional althete....;)....and I rest my case....

Pondering Phate,

Earl






 

Confident and Courteous?

OMG...I feel really "man-crazy" today lol.  I think because it's Friday and of course I will be working and performing tonight. Thus spending another Friday night not dating lol.  I am trying to make that happen though!

In fact I have started reaching out to guys via some dating sites just about every other night.  In the past, I have joined a site, I send out a couple of feelers, gotten no hits and given up.  This time I am just sending out feelers to meet a quota.  One a day so that I can't get stuck analyzing any one guy cause I'm pursuing a new one everyday lol (genusis huh?).  Now watch it be my luck 2 weeks from now I will have all these guys messaging me back at the SAME time lol. 

Anywho, I was talking to my friend Mary and I mentioned my aching legs after doing some lap dancing (in the penthouse for exercsie purposes ya nasty...).  Then I was like this shirt looks good on me and I kept messing with my boobs and she was like "why do you keep talking about your body and stuff?" Now Mary knows I'm trying to loose weight so I was a little put off and then I had the thought..."was I weight loss  assholing"?  I DO NOT want to be that person that goes on and on about their changing self oblivious that they are making others uncomfortable by inadvertedly reminding them of their own weight issues. 

I mean how am I supposed to be confident and courteous? Anywho I think that is more of a sliding scale answer than a definiteive answer lol.  Anywho, in light of the Mary convo I realzied that I never had a "sexual revolution". ---wait I will tie this together lol---- Now that I'm slowly starting to kind of like my body I kinda want to take it out for a spin, hence the man-crazyness I think lol.  There's A LOT more to this but I will summarize it with this...when every other little tween girl was going through boyfriends, experimenting with her wardrobe, and secretly kissing boys I was avoiding EVERYONE, writing, reading, and doing everything alone and trying to pretend I didn't exist.  Then when I came out of that period of my life I was so geeked to have friends that the word "boyfriend" didn't even commute until I got to college.  I still didn't get any play in college but I realized that my ass and boobs have a purpose even if I have yet to figure out how to accurately use them lol.

The point being...I've spent a great deal of my life wishing I had the confidence I am developing now.  And I can't dismiss that because I'm worried what others will think.  Maybe that's the beginning of WL assholing but, I can't come this far and not celebrate (hell I've only lost 10 lbs since January lol) cause this has been HARD.  I think as long as I don't actively talk about my WL around people I can still be confident and let that shine through my ACTIONS.  Words=analyzing. Analyizing=BAD lol..

Pheelin Phrisky!

Earl

12 WEEKS :) and Niceities

I believe this week marks the 12th week I have been OP with WW. 

Holy shit...

I have never completed the 12 week program in the 7 years I have been on and off WW!  So, I just wanted to note how proud I am that I stuck in there when I didn't want to journal (still don't but I'm losin!), when I threw out my trick hip TWICE, went through the many many trips to the grocery store and budgeting, boughts of predinsone and self doubt...... I MADE IT! I MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE WW 12 WEEK PROGRAM! 

Of course I'm going to continue :), but I have only previously made it 10 weeks, and 9 before that.  I believe this time, I'm really not going to stop....a refreshing yet scary as thought.  I mean I bitch and moan plenty about how hard it is but like most I don't know what to do with new found focus on changing.  I guess I'm going to actually have to learn to take a compliment...assuming it's a genuine one. Just today I got an actual compliment (not back handed compliment) from a co-worker at another site who ran out her door just to say that she and her fellow teacher noticed "all the weight I had been losing" and to tell me I was lookin good and keep at it! I had to note this because I'm learning very quickly that genuine kindness comes few and far between when you are obese.  I don't know what it is with the world that an obese person can get ostrosized just as much as a sex offender (in my humble opinion).  It's hard when people stare, children point and insult you to your face, clothes are more expensive, people ASSUME you don't want to move and don't ask you to physicallty social events (softball, volleyball, etc), and let's not EVEN get started on dating and intimacy for obese people...but like everyone says "we do it to ourselves" so we must like and deserve it. Okay am getting soap boxy so I will leave you with this..it can be brutally rough being different so a little genuine kindness goes a long way :).

Be Kind and Phine!

Earl

Oh HELL NAWL...

This is why obese people can't get a fuckin break...oh yeah this is going to be a HEATED EXCHANGE blog...


Okay so my co-worker that I am doing WW with, wanted to know how to use WW Online, so we're in her office going over it.  Well her staff members were also in there and the whole time they were doing their best to distract us, throwing stuff at us, asking us if we wanted doughnuts, just acting crazy.  And I wanted to be like did you ever think that maybe we're actually taking this serious?  That though we may fall off sometimes, it's hard to keep on trying?  That maybe we don't talk to you about the fun we're having because we know that you all are so insecure with yourselves that this is the best you can do to "support" us in something that is really difficult? UGGGGHHHH!

This is why I DO NOT tell people I know that I am actively trying to loose weight, because 95% won't don't cheer you on. No they will cheer for you to fail to keep the status quo....which is and I'm just gonna put it out there....people feel secure in who they are until others change in a way that THEY feel NOT I FEEL, but THEY feel put their faults into light. They either interpret  my success as a reflection of their own perceived weight loss failures (cause some of these chicks are skinny in comparison!) so they negate themselves "I'm such a fattie/I keep stuffingmy face/I'm soooo big" or they get defensive "Well I don't do it like that/does that really work/That seems like a lot of work" and start defending themselves like I just insulted them or something when I say something nice about myself?  I mean why can't peope just say "good job, keep at it"?  No they let their insecure inner self speak stupid shit like "Well you had a doughnut yesterday" or "You're not gonna do that (journaling) anyway." or worse "Well this is what I do, I don't do that, that's not for me". AHHH! That's why I've keep this journey to my blog that no one reads lol...cause if I didn't I'd be going postal on people! GRRRR!

Pissed!

Earl

I guess I'm the fourth Chippette lol...

I've been battling what I thought were seriously infected ear drums since right after July 4th. Today I went the ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) and to my wonderful surprise got to have a camera rammed up my nose at 7:30am :). Come to find out, my ears are fine. So, are my seasonally fickle sinuses. Too bad my salivary glands are infected lol.  I know you're probably asking the first thing that shot out of my mouth "And how did I infect those?". Apparently it could be dehydration (doubt it with all the water I've been guzzling) or it could be viral. Now the second sounds more likely. When my allergies are acting up I always get the viral crap. He couldn't tell if it was bacterial though because I've been on predinosone which I guess throws things off. Regardless...

Dispite my chipmunk cheeks of various sizes (it comes and goes)...I've felt very empowered. It helped that Carlos and I emailed a bit about my whole "revelation" I had about me being a coward. He was very cool about it, and would still take me up on my offer for dinner if he came to town ;). During which, I would try every cheap trick to get in his pants....or better yet...rip his clothes off with my teeth lol. Yes, I have felt pleasantly empowered this week.



Tuesday's Look...
the freshly washed Curly blow out!



Despite the chipmunk cheeks...in an attempts to welcome the Diva back I've started styling my hair everyday. My braids needed to be redone and I wanted togiv emy hair some extended rest time so I've been rockin my natural for a few days. I went on Youtube...a god send to how-to-ers---and have found many black women who've made tutorials on how to work with natural hair. As such, I have worn not one but three styles in three days. I think that's why I went to the braids and half wigs. At first it was just to hide my short hair. Then it was so cute and hassle free I just kept the look. But 2 years later I was getting bored with it, and I feel like my hair had stopped growing so I've let my hair run wild lol.  Plus I have to wait till right before my vacay to get my braids back.  I've been enjoying this so much I am SERIOUSLY thinking of going natural "full time" in the fall...okay where am I going with this lol...

Basically, it brought me back to when I actually spent time primping in the mirror lol. I realized this week that I've missed my girlie time. As an adult I still don't have a ton time to primp but that doesn't mean I need to eliminate it! I have realized in the past few weeks, the few girlie self-primping loving things I used to do for myself I no longer do and I think it has definitely cost me in terms of my self esteem. I mean we all feel better when we know we look like a million bucks. I guess when I was younger I equated looking like a million bucks with taking tons of time so I started cutting out my footbaths and manicures. I got my hair in a cute but utilitarian style. Now, I'm excited at the challenge of finding ways to do those little girlie things for myself even on days where I'm wearing this stupid uniform lol. Like today I added my cuff but actually matched my earrings (yellow) to this horrible green and yellow shirt. I did my side pouff look on my hair which once I understood what products I needed and for what goes really fast in the morning. And I'm going to throw some makeup on at some point.



You can't tell me I'd didn't lok cute Wednesday!
This is my side puff...
still workingon mastering it lol.

 One of the guys upstairs is convinced I have a new man. Finally I was like "And what if I do?" It's funny how people think you must be trying to impress someone when you start dressing nicely or you wear some makeup. No....I'm dressing better because I feel better when my toes are painted, when I have on an anklet, when I have on earrings and my hair is in a new style....nothing that takes a ton of time. But those few things are ways I see now that I NEED not want but NEED so that I can insure I'm getting that "loving kindness" to myself/mind/body every day or week.

Being nice to oneself is a fulltime job just like earning money to put gas in my car (currently $3.99 a gallon!), or juggling two jobs and rehearsals. I mean if I can do all that I can certainly find time to paint my "short toes" as my sister calls them. It also scared the hell out of me that I thought I was maybe turning into one of those women who are unhappy with their looks but never do anything for themselves. I mean people mature and life throws us tons of curve balls but I'm not going out like that! I want to live my life confident and free to do what I want (within reason lol). Not saying things like "why bother?", or "that's a waste of time" because those are lies that cover up unhappiness. At least for me. And no a manicure won't solve my problems, but if my problems or stress is centered around my self esteem it may help A LOT lol...okay I better go!



Pheelin Free :),

Earl

Posting Gap

I must note that I have indeed been blogging since July 1st.  Per my first blog I promised to blog at least once a week.  However, the couple of blogs I've written since the 1st are a bit more private, so they will not be posted (yet...) so I have stuck to my commitment despite what appears to be a 10 day gap lol.

-E