Yo...wtf?

Wassssuuuppp! I still can't believe how much more relaxed I've been since Lovefest 2011. I mean, I didn't even realize how much of that negative crap I was carrying with me everywhere. How much of it I thought was so "unconcious" when it was apparently on my mind 24 hours a day. Yeah...that's my m.o.....too much self induced pressure equals emotional diarraea/meltdown. LOL. I'm really thankful that I've found something (loving myself) to work on keeping the stress down. Something that is keeping me waayyy more focused than getting a man or losing weight or even succeeding at acting lol. However, in terms of losing weight...I have been eating a tad crazy. Well crazy for me lol. I don't know if it's a result of being on meds to get over this sinus thing, my flared up leg pain easing, or Lovefest 2011, but eating has been such a second thought this week lol. Let me draw you a picture....with yesterday's menu....

Breakfast...a baked chicken leg and 3 cubes of cheese lol.
Lunch....an orange chicken smart one.
Dinner...chicken sandwich with asparagus.
Snacks... 2 oz's of nuts and yogurt covered raisins and an orange.

And that's it lol.

YEAH FOR REALSIES!

And besides lunch I was oddly satisfied after each meal (I ate some of my snack to aid the "I'm still hungry after this Smart One meal" thing. We've all been there lol.) It's been like this all week. So weird. It's like it's just not that important. I said I was going to shed the things that no longer serve me and I refuse to believe that during Lovefest 2011 I shed stressing over my weight. I mean I've been so good at it for 29 years I doubt one emotional breakdown could change THAT. Am kidding lol.

Who knows I'm just riding the "calm" train lol. I mean I've still been dealt stressful situations (had a performance this week, rehearsal, work demands) but everyday I don't dread coming to work, or stress about what I'm eating, or that much at all. I'm telling you it's strange to feel so....empty in a GOOD way lol. It just reminds me how much energy I was giving to basically berating myself. But for people who are really ambitious people and artists in particular I think this is their majorly life long hard balancing act----How to ENJOY success even when we don't see it for what it is. Like the fact that I've found a way to stomach my day time job is a major success I haven't been recognizing choosing to simply focus on that fact that I'm still here lol. Focusing on my success of surviving the crazy at my job has actually given me a little more confidence at my job ( I know crazy... lol) . Even when I've screwed up this week, I've remembered that I've come a LOOONNNG way since I started here lol. In terms of weight loss...I've been simply denying what people have been telling me for months which is that, though I know I haven't lost a significant amount of weight, people have been telling me that it looked like I was really loosing weight. Of course trying to not get excited and then letting myself down I've simply dismissed all of those compliments with "people who have no idea how much weight I need to loose" lol. As a result of course I've focused on that dam scale and missed that perhaps my weight has shifted. I think once I can pin down Daniel from BBT I'm going to get my measurements taken again and see how much has really changed since September 2010. I think I might----well...I think I WILL find that Earl has been wayyyyy to hard on herself about her weight AND that all of those nice people have been able to see what Earl hasn't allowed herself to see because she's been soooo "goal" focused. No judgement there, as it's natural...I just have to admit it, realize it, and let it go for the future lol.

Okay enough blowing smoke up your ass---gahhhh see I'm doing it! Okay...this is stupid...

What I've been unwilling to admit, covering it up with lots of sarcasm is that this week I think I actually genuinely feel happy right now. Geez why was that so hard to spit out lol. I guess the turnaround was so quick that I've been dismissing it. I mean during Lovefest 2011 I did admit some big time life revelations while letting things out that I've been holding in for a while....but how can I be happier already? I mean I don't even know how to really love myself (though I'm keeping a list of ideas) or how the different issues in my life will turn out but....you see THIS is how I think lol. Always so logical, thinking about the next logival step but I'm in uncharted territory here. Loving myself....whew just saying that is scary lol. I mean people date and loose weight and get jobs sometimes repeatedly in their life lol. But can you truly love yourself if you have to consciously do it repeatedly lol? Yes I am an anxiety ridden over achieving analyzer lol...but...and I don't know many (any lol) answers to the questions I've poses but I do think I am simply changing. Like when I started making myself okay with simply paying my bills regularly instead of freaking out over the overall larger amounts lol. That was Ragefest 2007 which is a whole nother blog...maybe I'll repost that one day lol. But in an effort to treating myself with "loving kindness", I'm going to offer end this no-answers blog with this...

I am happy with my life...this week lol.

Yeah...I'm okay declaring that much lol. One day at a time, one week at a time...shedding the things that no longer serve me in an effort to keep loving kindness at the center of my relationship with Earl....I know sounds like psycho mumbo jumbo (that I created WITH my therapist...she's a guide not my keeper lol) but I'm giving it a real shot and I am feeling better as a result...so there!

Phaboliciously Yours,

Earl

...OMG....

So, after 2 and half months of futility (and weight gain)....I HAVE LOST 6 LBS! Now I haven't weighed myself in like 2-3 weeks so it's not like it all came off at once but....I almost cried. I had to have two other people verify this at the scale with me which I never do lol. OMG...I'm 320lbs which is the lowest I've been since 2006!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!

Well, I know you are like "well what happened, how'd you do it." Well....it's pretty simple. I stopped "trying to loose weight" and simply did what felt right. Or in essence I stopped caring so dam much about EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING IN MY LIFE lol. In terms of weightloss... I've tried to eat the minimum, which for me is like one regular portion of an item. I haven't exercised , but I also haven't sat down much. Between rehearsals, two jobs, and meetings lol. I think I needed a week to just live my life WITHOUT thinking about my waistline FIRST. I suppose being sick also played a factor but more with my vision than with my stomach lololol...

In terms of my life...maybe it's like my good friend Andy Looney posted on my FB wall...in order to find love or in this case...succeed at weight loss---I need to remove the barriers preventing my success at weight loss. Of course I immediately thought...barriers...um not exercising, not eating right, bad portions..yadda yadda yadda. I'm pretty good at knowing exactly what I CAN'T do lol. But I decided to focus on something a bit more emotionally tied in. Stress.

Yup, for me, I'm seeing that stress....SUCKS lol. I mean anyone can read this blog and see that I have clearly been thinking about my weight a fair amount lol. However, the snot filled Lovefest epiphany I had last weekend released A LOAD of stress off my back. I realized my unhappiness was not due to my weight, or men, or the success of my acting career, or my job....yes those things are major stressors in my life but the bottom line issue is that I don't love myself enough to know, for example, when to just give myself a break!

When to say Earl you may not have reached your goal or failed art your gial but you, the person are NOT a failure. You will have more time and even if you feel you don't, you're still gonna be here (god willing) to start the adventure (or a new one) again! My shrink mentioned that basically we negate ourselves a lot instead of the behaviors we don't like that we do. We figure that the two are the same. Well, they're not lol....at least I am choosing, for the first time, to separate the two (Lord knows the other way hasn't gotten me much lol).

This past week I have been soooo much more focused on work. I've naturally eaten better for the simple fact that I DIDN'T MAKE IT THAT IMPORTANT. What I've tried to focus on everyday, more than anything...has been simply being happy. Looking at stressful situations and thinking in terms of how can deal with this that's going to make me happy? And further more, after I make my decision I want to be done with it. Like in terms of my job, I just made some decisions on how I'm going to approach my job from now on. What I will and won't do and THAT'S THAT. No more debate, no more beating myself for having a job that it's my passion, no more trying to make it more than it will never be----and no more judging it. I come in, do my job to the best of my ability and I leave.

Instead of saying like I've said for too long that "I don't want to think about or stress about this" I'm simply doing it. I let it go during Lovefest 2011 because I saw that I was running around the same locked cage in circles instead of taking time to check out the cage and make the best of the situation. I'm not going to stress about something I have no power to control or change and that really I don't like that much so why give it that much energy? lol I mean I do my job and I do it to the best of my ability but due to circumstances outside my control even if I loved my job I still wouldn't be able to really do my job like I'D want to lol. I mean I think we'd all like Life on our own terms...and we strive for that...but some things just aren't in our control lol. So, do you stress over it, give up, ignore it?...well I tried all that with my job. But I never tried just accepting it for what it is and focusing on what I can effect. So that's how I'm going to go forward. To be clear....do I like my job now...NO....it is Dumb Ass Monday as usual...YES. But do I expect anything more...NO. It is what it is and that is OKAY WITH ME!

In terms of men...that's going to be a longer journey lol. One mental breakdown and resulting epiphany at a time please...:).

This all rolls into my loving myself thing I'm working on...

Patience with myself is one way I've found of loving myself. It's kind of a large factor in my stress and anxiety levels come to find out lol. Always wanting things done yesterday or to a certain degree. Now for someone as ambitious as me ,that's kind of hard but I'm everyday trying to remind myself to be patient with myself. I'm not a robot, so even the best laid plans get blown to hell. But again, knowing that I push myself extremely hard, working on being patient with myself is a good idea for me to latch on to for now. Then when I think I can move onto another idea that will help me learn to love Earl a bit more I will. Who knows...this could also be a large amount of horseshit as well lol....but it feels good to focus on something that is wel... uncharted territory for me...which means...someones on another one of Life's many adventures!

Perhaps this will end up like The Dark Knight...someone fallin off a building (i.e. me loosing my mind lol)...or perhaps this will be like one of the greatest adventure films ever made...Indiana Johns and the Temple of Doom....a great adventure, where I may encounter snakes (crazy people), rough terrain (interesting situations), and large boulders (??? lol)...an an adventure so fun that it may spawn several sequels or more life adventures for Earl??? Who knows...I bout blew my own mind trying to keep that action movie and life metaphor going...lol...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Phorever Phabulously Yours,

Earliana "Earl" McLaurin

Subtley is? Your Thing...lol

First three songs heard on the radio the morning after Lovefest 2011..."Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie...."Born This Way" by Lady Gaga...."You Are Perfect" by Pink.....the powers that be are not being very subtle this morning but that's okay. Kinda makes me feel like maybe they're listening :).

-E

...being an artist...

"...Dammit you know you're a creative or artist type when you have an original (at leaast at the time that's what you think) thought about yourself or the world around you and you think about it so much it gets to a point where it either drives you fuckin nuts or you express it creatively..."

-Earl....five minutes ago...

For Anyone Who's Ever Felt Ugly....a.k.a. Lovefest 2011...

I just came back from seeing “Beastly” with Vanessa Hudgens. To some up how I felt about this movie, I walked out of the theatre and looked up to orange tinted purple Chicago sky and I just wanted to scream out to God. Beggin him why all I see is UGLY around me. An ugly Earl a flawed Earl. Then the flood gates pretty much got flung open as I cried all the way home. As much as this teen flick should not have affected me, I guess emotionally I never left Jr. High. I still smack guys when I want to get their attention, I think flowers, candy, and teddy bears are both tacky and romantic. Partially because I’ve never received any from anyone else from my mother. I started thinking about how I pathetic I SAW myself and immediately I was like I need to see mytherapist and that…I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I know this has been a battle I have been fighting since I was pretty much 10 years old. I even thought earlier this evening that maybe my problem was I just needed to get the Lap band. But I see now that I am so fucked up emotionally that though my waistline may change I need to start loving myself and not just putting on the face of “confidence”.

I can’t live my life hating every woman for being something I think is better than me.

I can’t keep living my life hating every man because I think he will hurt me or reject me.

I can’t keep living my life both stuck in the mirror and one foot in the door of self awareness and freedom from the emotional shit that no longer serves me.

I was talking to my friend Mary today and I’ve been posting this on facebook a while that I needed to make a change. I thought maybe it was a new job…god knows I hate it enough. And then part of me was like maybe it’s my body. This weight. Then I had to distract myself as I realized I was going down “that” path. The path where Earl is bad in every way. I mean that’s the short version of my depressive self depreciation. I even had a half a drink but that didn’t make it go away. So in an effort to not climb the walls that’s how ended up treating myself to a movie. “Beastly” is a take on Beauty and the Beast. It intrigued me and somewhere deep down I thought maybe it’d make me feel better. Not make me go through this really emotional self reflective thing. To be honest the hottie who played the beast was cute but not that great of an actor and though Vanessa Hudgens of high school musical fame is very pretty she was basically eye candy. The point being I realized that someone will always think I’m ugly and as much as I want to believe there’s no one out there for me to see how beautiful I am I will say this…I really don’t know if I believe in that or how to be better but I know that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I told myself to get a grip. I can’t be the ugliest thing out there. That’s when it really hit me that I SEE MYSELF LIKE THAT…more than anyone. I mean beastie in the movie was pretty messed up physically….scars and staples all along his face, bright bloody viens with copper pieces stuck in everywhere. Tatooes in fused between all of that. He was pretty scarred. "I’m ot that messed up" is what I thought...then 2 seconds later I started thinking "well that’s just a movie. In real life people do walk right past you and say mean things behind your back or with a look or with silence." YES, I started comparing my face to his! WTF! And then I thought Earl it can’t be that bad…GET A GRIP. Thinking like that will drive you nuts. Then I was like I need an anti depressive and to talk to my therapist lol. But I started saying something else wayyyy in the back of my head….I'd thought about it Friday when I had mental breakdown number 2 (this is number three for those keeping track)….I AM BETTER THAN THIS. I am too good a person to keep destroying myself mentally every time I see a love story, or read a book about two people in love, or watch two people hold hands. Yeah I ain’t gotta love it but I need to learn to not let it tear me apart like this. I realized I can’t be anything in this world if I don’t learn to love myself. And I be dam if I do something stupid and let “them” win. The douche bag assholes who don’t see me, the “weak” Earl who sees nothing but the bad in the mirror, every negative thought that tears me down…I don’t want to make them right. I want to beat this. More than I want to loose weight, or become a famous actor, writer, whatever…I can’t succeed at anything until I start to learn to love me. And not every 8 months when I freak out like this and pack it down until I’m ready for my therapist to talk me down from whatever emotional ledge I'm teetering on. Hell that may be all I can do...but from now on loving me...hell liking me as I am has to be my first and foremost goal for a while…… p.s. To all my friends...I am fine no need for any "well being" checks or comments, I just had a very real moment that I needed to share. Part of making me a better Earl is to stop hiding all the stuff I think is "bad" about me...it's part of who I am. For better or worse lol. Just needed to speak my mind and let it go... p.s.s. And if you comment on this note...good or bad I will delete it. I kind of just want this to sit out there...I revealed a lot of things about myself and again I just to need to let it sit out there for a moment without any judgement good or bad because I don't know how I feel about it lol...it's complicated lol.

Day One Health....

I've decided that I really need to make a change....I'm not happy with a few things in my life and again I'll spare you the self deprecation and get to the heart of it. My period came on and kicked my bad nerve into high gear and I'm just not feeling it anymore. Being in pain, over weight, not able to exercise cause of the dam leg, not journaling, losing weight...I'm tired of it all. And though I'd love to quit my job that's not one thing I can change right now that's making me happy but I can change my weight...how is a different story. I went to the DayOne Health center's page. Should I get the lap band this is the place I want to do it. I registered to get more information and for their online introduction seminar. I have not viewed the seminar yet and I'm going to put it off until I see my shrink on Thurs. I just needed to feel like some progress---even the "cheating" kind---has been made on my body. Yes, I still see the Lap Band as cheating and I'm terrified of getting it and STILL failing but at this point I AM AT MY WITS END WITH THIS CRAP AND I AM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT MY WEIGHT AND BODY EVERY SINGLE F-ING DAY! There I said it, and I'm done... -E

Primal Instinct!

So, I haven't blogged in a few days....needed to give myself some distance from last weekend. It's been my experience that the more I write and dwell on something negative, the longer the crappy feelings stay lol. I mean I'm not all happy go lucky now but in all of this "wonderful self discovery" I have clung to the one thing I know that gives me joy and allows be get through the shitty parts of adulthood and that's ...theatre.

Right now, I'm in a staged reading for my theatre company, Bareboned Theatre. I'm reading the lead so, it's making me stay focused on the text and that's where I'm at my best! I've done a lot of first person narratives or funny stuff in the last year, but when I can get into a script and find all the different levels and start making thematic connections not only do I feel like the thousands of dollars I have in school loans are worth it, if gives me a brief chance to actually use my brain and do what I'm not only good at (not bragging just trying to be positive lol) but I'm PASSIONATE about.

I've also had my first rehearsal for my storytelling piece on March 30th and I am so psyched. It's pretty tight, I just need to solidify some of my character choices. I just wish my friend Katie could be there (Katie if you ever read this I am not trying to make you feel bad! Keep reading there is a deeper point I swear!). Not only because she's a major player in the story but because I want her to understand and I think she knows by the way I act, but really know on a deeper level how hard it is for me to be open to dating. It's not just a "he'll think I'm too fat" thing. It's a "he'll never understand me/I'm too different/I'm too busy/I'm too everything that will cover the fact that I'm simply scared of the "man" unknown" lol.

And I'm not just talking about "getting hurt" or rejected. Men think sooooo differently from us that when they do do something stupid it's hard to know when it's intentional and when they just don't get it lol. I mean I people watch all the time, but I especially man-watch. How they react to different situations and people. They're actually quite fascinating creatures lol. I have a guy friend, "James", who is very..."open" about his sex life. And like hearing about what he really thinks of these girls, not in malicious way, is like mind blowing. He's also a little impulsive and an artist that has no filter so I probably shouldn't paint all men with his brush. But some of the things he's said it's like "I wonder if men think this about us all the time? Is dating/hooking up really that simple?". I won't divulge the details because he's a good guy and he's very upfront with the women so it's not like he's playing them or anything lol.

But this does bring to light that old Sex and City episode about "having sex like a man". Dude if I could remove the very active diatribe I go through as I'm trying to flirt or speak to a guy I'd be able to have sex like a man. Which as I have observed is pretty instinctive..primal instinct in fact. Meaning, they kind of think like this...."I'm horny, wish I could get off without jackin off. Who do I know will put out and not make a big deal out of it. Someone who's cute enough and just wants to get off too...hmmmm". Okay if you're a guy yes that was a caricature of men, but I don't think it's too far off. Notice how I didn't say too much about what the girl has to look like. This is also the thoughts of a guy who is kind of mature. I mean it's not about games or relationships, but primal instinctual need to be intimate with another human being. I had typed "need to release pen up frustration OR physical intmacy with another human being" but I scratched the first part because if it was all just about a release why don't guys simply jack off all the time, and girls for that matter too??? Yes, we want that release but deep down even the most seasoned of players and/or no-commitment relationshipists (not to be confused with commitment phones...hey some people just don't want to and some shouldn't be in relationships) will admit that it feels better with another person BECAUSE of the imatacy. Give and take. Simple. Primal. Instinctual. ....yup all this coming from a virgin. Again, this is just my OBSERVATIONS. I know I'm painting with a gigantic brush right now lol.

Problem is that not all men think this way. Some like to make it...more difficult really. These are the guys who, let's face it, want to get off by ANY MEANS necessary.

These are the guys who play the games and say what you want to hear to get your panties but will freak when you actually take him serious and want it to go farther. These are the guys who will flirt and tease for attention but have no plans to follow through because they're too scared to tell you they're not attracted to you and just wanted the attention. These are the guys who go to meat market clubs and pick up girls because they assume once a girl gets liquored up she'll be more willing to put out. Now I'm not male bashing here I'm just going off experience here that compared with the guys in the latter group I would rather have a guy like "James" who actually THINKS about hooking up before simply reducing himself to pandering to get laid. I mean we're all adults that why I'm not hating AT ALL on "James".

Once we all reach a certain age, we realize that sex is great but intamacy is a PRIMAL NEED. Don't let the old fogies fool you into thinking that intimacy is not important. Yes, as people get older the need isn't as urgent for sex but you'd be a fool (Miranda) to think it's not important. And yes, that was indeed another Sex In the City reference a-thank you. I've seen some couples gain so much joy from just the intimate action of holding hands, so it doesn't always have to be sex but if you can physically and emotional have sex I bet it's better lol. Again, I'm hypothesizing here. But, I'm betting the guys who make it more diffcult are actually the ones most SCARED of intmacy....and I'm sure some of them are just douchey and don't get it yet. I call this the "fucking around" phase that all men and I think women go through. When they mess around like a dog who's learned a new trick---they'll do it until it no longer interests him. The dog, will them look for something more interesting to keep his attention. It's quite elementary Watson. Okay enough of the psuedo-scientific ramblings....

Periodically Tabled (yeah I typed it...),

Earl

....

Went out for a friends birthday at the WORST place to go for anyone trying to loose weight...OLIVE GARDEN. Yeah that was horrible. Had a plan to load up on salad and still almost finished my Asiago chicaken ravioli, plus some custard for dessert and two glasses of wine. I have been avoiding this blog all day because I hate feeling bad because I ate something. I mean this is what my life and most women's lives have come dwn, their self esteem and worth based off what they eat. Like all day (and I pretty much gave WW the bird today having mcdonalds for lunch and wendys for dinner) I've been pretty depressed. Hey I said I'd be honest and well this wouldn't be a truthful blog if I didn't mention how bad it can get.

When you're sitting at home just thinking and silently asking God "Why can't I just control what I put in my stupid mouth!" or todays mantra "I might as well make my dam lap band appointment". Yeah it's been one of those days. Been on this journey for two months and some change and I have incread my exercise and mobility but all I really have to show for it is a 3lb gain. Since I got out the most important points I will spare you any more of self deprication that's going through my head and leave you with this...this is hard. Really really fucking hard. And it goes so much deeper than what I put in my mouth like all the doctors say. Self discipline is hard when you've never had any lol but this is a journey and I won't spend too much more time on this...I have two more weeks of WW online and then I start meetings and I'm praying, begging, hoping to God they help...

Am I a Bitch?!?!?!?

I wasn't gonna mention it...I said I was gonna let it roll off my shoulder but now I'm both pissed off and a little upset. I was asking...female co-worker 1 what she gave up for Lent and she said meat. I, trying to be funny, was like "I'm giving up assholes". Then my female co-worker 2 was like "sorry Roger". Then "Roger"...names are being changed to protect the "innocent"--who I kind of tried to get something going but it never really happened---tells me I should give up being "mean". TTTTHHHHEEENNN...He said "Since I can't call you the real word" and then kinda of laughed it off. Then female co-worker number one was like yeah you do come up here looking like a straight up bitch...WTF! First of all everyone at my job knows I am NOT a morning person and that they will get "half sleep cranky ass" Earl face until 10:00am. It's been that way for 3 dam years! Everyone knows, it's a running joke! But more importantly I started thinking about what Roger said. He views me as mean but (and I told them both this) I'm like the nicest person, sometimes to a fault. Hey I'm protecting this douchebag's identity though he basically called me a bitch in the middle of the lunch room...helloooo how much nicer to ya get! Ugh...Okay will get to why this post is on this blog...The above is what "Earl" thought but "Earliana" was like "But I'm not that way! Sometimes I'm just scared!". And there it is folks. If I haven't done so already I will begrudgingly quote P.Diddy, or Diddy, or whoever the hell he is this week..."It's easy to be [Earl] but it's harder to be [Earliana]". I definitely think ever since the first day of high school when every teacher got my first name wrong and I started going by "Earl", I've created a "safe" identity. Back then I was comin off a really bad time in jr. high---like chronic depression and daily suicidal thoughts all because I was picked on all day every day in my 8th grade class. So when I got to high school on that first it seemed like my slate had gotten wiped clean.. A. I wasn't the only big girl in the school or my grade for that matter (I went from a class of 80 to a class of 437!) B. Like everyone else I knew, nobody knew me because I was a freshman C. Everybody seemed busy with other things that first day lol. Of course I didn't trust it and thought people would revert after a couple of days in school to picking on me but it never happened. Later I would come to recognize this as the result of maturity or post puberty lol. But even still, ever since that first day I started taking chances and truly becoming a new and better person, while slowly stuffing some of my insecurities away. I went from never wanting to be seen, eating lunch in a dark auditorium by myself---with permission from the principal and social worker---to by my Senior year being 1st runner up for Homecoming queen! Cray cray huh? Well, though I shed a lot about timid, always vulnerable, ready to cry and give up "Earliana"....sometimes she creeps back in. I'm pretty sure this is why I don't like going by Earliana...yes I feel like I'm getting reprimanded by my mother, but also because until I started going by Earl...Earliana had no real identity except as a victim. Okay so how does this relate to "Roger"....During college, I didn't even really start focusing on men until like my jr year. I was just geeked to be there! But as there isn't a lot of choice in super christian Kirksville, Mo...I wasn't too sad nothing popped off there...though there will be a Carlos blog I'm sure (more deets later on that situation...). Now, as a 29 year old VIRGIN...yeah you read right lol....I think about men and sex all the time lol. Seriously, I'm like a horny 12 yr old boy. But I guess somewhere between going to college, trying to become a working actor, and still being a virgin I adapted a rather negative view towards men. I've mentioned it before but "Earl" is this confident, independent, sassy actor creative artist...but "Earliana" is the part of me that always feels like the D.U.F.F....Designated Ugly Fat Friend. I mean if you are overweight you have been that girl. When you're out with your friends and guys walk past you to your girlfriends like you're not even there. When they walk into the club and there eyes glide right past you to every OTHER girl in the club, when they sometimes tell you outright that you're "too big" for them yeah it's hard not feeling like the ugly fat friend that every one sees brings out, out of pity. Now before all of my friends start with the "you're being stupids" or the "You're beautiful" crap...this girl is a part of me that I NEVER, EVER, let out. I try to stuff down vulnerable "Earliana" as much as possible because nothing good ever can come out of that thinking. But if all men see is this wise cracking, independent, sassy woman should it be a surprise that this guy would think I'm a bitch? To his credit, my form of flirting is also pretty jr. high...hitting them, cracking jokes on them, doing anything to get his attention, even if it is negative attention. Combined that with my 'I don't need anyone cause I'm Earl!" confidence I guess that's how you get the image of me as a bitch..ugh...ugh squared dammit. I've talked about this with my shrink a lot...I know I need to let me see "me" but it seems so defeating I mean aren't we supposed to show only are best qualities...at least until date 3-4? okay kidding... but for reals... How do you all manage it? Being witty, funny, and flirtatious without smacking a guy and coming off as unapproachable or in 'Roger's" words...a BITCH? I know I'm not the first or the last person to pose this question but I'm up for any suggestions! Phabitchly Yours, Earl

Check In....

Dudes...I just realized now that I have 34 blogs I guess I gotta take this thing live lol. Then my second thought was "wow...I think about my Life in terms of eating and exercise A LOT " lol... Well I'd rather talk about it and anything else on my mind everyday, making paint drying slow process, than to be whining about the same thing and not accomplishing anything physically OR mentally lol. And you know what...even though I have had little progress on the scale I must say that after 8 weeks of futility I am finally feeling better, more aware of my eating habits and dare I say it...exercising every week lol. Yesterday we had the big Mardi Gras potluck at work and my plan worked fantastically....till someone brought out that dam raspberry coffee cake. Okay here's my thing...I LOVE baked goods. And I mean the good stuff...doughnuts, coffee cakes, birthday cake, pies, cobblers real stick to your bones stuff. And I can pretty much resist them as long as I don't see them. Yesterday I had a 5 point breakfast in preparation for the lunch festivities. I would have been right on plan had I not eaten the stupid coffee cake. I mean I'd already had a cupcake but it was like it was calling out to me "Earl, earl, I am good, I am raspberry coffee cake...EAT ME, EAT ME SEYMOUR" ...hee hee movie/theatre nerd.....:) Luckily, since I woke up yesterday feeling like I'd gotten kicked in the sacrum I did 30 minutes of stretching yesterday morning, then came home and did my ENTIRE dancing with the stars toning video! Yup never done more than two dances and I did all three AND the cool down! This is also because I tried to find my Zumba class in Logan Square yesterday which ended up with me outside what appeared to be a large house or an old fashioned 3 flat apartment building. Dudes there were like no lights on the first two floors lights on and a fan going on the top floor, but the website did not say 3rd floor or give a suite number??? There were also no signs for Chicago Women's Fitness so I took my happy ass back home. I wasn't about to walk up to someone's home/apartment randomly in Logan Square no thank you. Plus I know the website said their classes were in private lofts I didn't think that literally as in someone's home lol. I need to email that chick to clarify. Hell if you're gonna run a business at least put up a dam sign or answer the phone! Grrr...lol.... -Phearl p.s. Just realized that I had pointed every meal and snack for TWO count them biatches TWO FULL DAYS! Clouds are parting and small children are rejoicing somewhere lol....

Sticky Feeling

So, I'm still a little excited about my come from behind win last night with the dinner I made. I mean liek I want to like tell people then I had this thought....I know a lot of people wither trying to loose weight or struggling with weight (the phab and phlab stick together baby lol)...and I don't want to be the inadvertent douchebag who's like "Look at me! I'm so excited about this really hard thing I accomplished"....when really what THEY are hearing is "Hey look at me succeeding at the one thing you're trying really hard to do!". and I know that sound like bullshit and that I'm caring wayyy too much about what people think but it's coming from a place of experience. I have been that person who when faced with someone who is succeeding at anything but especially weightloss when I'm not, I feel like I gotta eat crow, smile and be happy for them when all I really want to do is go get a Boston Creme doughnut form Dunkin Doughnuts and cry. Emotional eater...maybe lol.



This one is a sticky one. I mean last night...you don't know how flippin good my red and beans and rice was and to not only eat 1 cup instead of two with a salad was like willpower brownie points man! I have been wanting the disciplined side of me to kick in for like 2 dam months and now when it happens (it may not happen again lol) I feel like I can't tell anybody. This is even more stickied in that I had already decided should I get the lapband that I would tell people how I was loosing weight but I would not celebrate it. In that situation it would be because well I was doing any of the work lol so why congratulate me on getting a silicone ring implanted in my body to control my weight....responsible yes, hard...no. That reasoning made since but now it's like I'm doing it on my own so why not celebrate it?



This is why minority on minority crime exits (bad transition but I promise I have a point), why women don't talk about themselves, why people like Perez Hilton (which I listen to every morning faithfully) have jobs, these are things or instances in which society tear others down because of what they may or may not have or because of their insecurities. Part of me would LOVE to be a celebrity but part of me is like there is NOOOO way I could hack all that pressure. You have to be a very strong person to deal with people telling you're not thin enough, tall enough, rich enough, smart enough everyday. Then you turn on the tv and their scrutinizes your cellulite (I was transfixed by an article on this in STAR while at Walgreens the other day). then you go online and people take a photo taken at a bad angle and say dumb shit like "So-and so is dying!" or hopped up on coke, or gay, or a sex addict....UGH! In that respect I have A TON of respect for celebrities who survive that shit (see Christina Aguilera, Lindsey Lohan, and Charlie Sheen of celebrities who HAVE not survived the Hollywood Celebrity Mill). But they also have millions of dollars to keep their mind at ease, I got a decent apartment, my PT cruiser, and bank account that get's dangerously close to $0 every two weeks lol....



Sorry, went on a tangent there but for reals....what am I going to do? I get being ashamed to talk about gaining weight and being fat, been there done that but being ashamed of even the smallest victories just seems STUPID!.....dam I really don't know how to deal with this one...I mean even if I start opening up to those in my immediate circle about this, they will of course support me but at what cost to their own psyche? ...hmmm...I clearly don't think about myself enough lol. Which also why people who loose weight are villified after doing so! They change and become "better" which makes everyone who has not changed feel like they are bad so what do we do...we create unnecessary hate on's (Sorry JHud lol) because it's easier to openly nitpick and negate someone else's success than be okay with our own successes or lack there of.

Just had a frightening epiphany....most people would say "well stick around those who are going to support you" but what if those who have always supported are not in that group? Like when I first started WW back in 2005, my mother who has generally always supported me got morally offended when I asked her to bake a pork steak for me instead of frying it! She like outright refused to do it....citing every reason from it would make more dishes to clean, to she didn't want to turn on the stove and get the house all warm, to just asking me why I couldn't eat like everybody else! I mean though this example included my mom, I can't turn away from my family and friends just because they have issues (I've seen this done before and no one will loose but me!), but if I don't feel comfortable confiding in them who do I confide in? Well logic says find some new folks, without letting go of the old folks, to talk to. But then what if the old folks find out I'm living it up with a new group of friends? They will think I've "turned my back" on them? I know all this sounds like I'm freaking for nothing but I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN! I have seen people loose weight around me and then loose friends because they're friends don't want to change and thus can't understand someone who has. Dude that is fuckin scary! It's like your doomed either way. Hell that's when I grab a glass of wine and flip everyone the bird!


Clearly sticky....sticky in deed.....

Jedi Mind Trick....

So, in my desperate attempts to loose something ANYTHING by April 1st I actually did one of the million weightloss tricks I've read about for years on WW (it's hard to do them all at once so I usually cop out and don't try any of them or I do it once...hopefully god willing that will change lol). I made red beans and rice and not only did I measure out both, I knew the red beans were gonna be a little high (cause I used full fat beef smoked sausage for my co-workers lol...should have went healthy and done us ALL a favor lol) so I got the smallest bowl I have and spread the rice on the bottom first (to make it look fuller) then put my red beans with it. I also made a gigantic salad like 2 cups and am totally fulfilled. I mean I have some room for my 3pt ice cream that I will be topping with no point fresh strawberries and a banana I have that's going lol...yeah total Jedi mind trick as my friend Stephanie B. would say lol.

As a reward I only dipped into my extra points by 10 points! This was (as my gloriously wonderful Bulls would do it) a fantastic come back win for today because guess who had a 25 pt lunch due to BAD PORTIONS...yup...that'd be this Diva right here. I mean when I look back on that lunch it wasn't horrible GRILLED chicken from KFC, homemade mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts. But with portions that got distorted into half my friggin days points on one meal that afterwards I felt stuffed and not fulfilled. I guess journaling does have it's up side LMAO....

In terms of portions and being about recognizing potentially high point situations, I am already planning for tomorrow....grapefuit and strawberries (zero points!) for breakfast so I can save those points for the Mardi Gras work potluck. I know there will be fried chicken and cake and stuff like that so I plan on sampling everything (that I like...no use wasting points on crappola). No more than like 1/4 cup of everything. And before I eat any of that I am bringing and eating the leftover salad I have in the bag since I always eat one salad and let the rest of the bag rot lol. Hopefully I won't go cra-cra tomorrow. Then off to my Zumba class and then more creativeness for dinner (just in case I do get a bit cra cra lol). Gonna be another huge battle but I plan on WINNING!


Phabulously Sated,

Earl


P.S. Again, I would like to give as an assist to my girl Becca for giving me some New Mexico grown frozen green chiles that tightened up my red beans and rice!

New Food Find: 3 PT ICE CREAM!

Yeah....boiiiiiiiiiii.....I almost forgot! I discovered that the al-cheapo (compared to like Breyers and stuff) Prairie Farms Fat Free Vanilla ice cream is 3 pts for a A WHOLE CUP of ice cream! I know big whoop huh? lol.. But if you look at the normal ice cream you eat the serving size is only a HALF a cup. It makes that 130 calories almost look okay then you measure it out and see what you're really getting lol....Prairie Farms FF Vanilla (they also have a FF Chocolate and Pecan Crunch which I will be finding) is only 80 cals per 1/2 cup!

Dudes I swear by the al-cheapo store brands! It was on sale for $3.49 which is expensive for regular ice cream but dirt cheap for FF or lowf at ice cream which can run you $5 to $6 a friggin half gallon! Most of the al cheapos are locally produced and are too cheap to put in fancy additives like nuts and syrups (in terms of ice cream)....BUY AL CHEAPO!

Steam Broiled Brussel Sprouts

So, my new favorite veggie is Steam Broiled Brussel Sprouts! My good friend Rebecca made them a while back and I have been trying to both recreate and slim up that recipe without losing the great flavor. The trick to this phabulous side dish is ALL in the preparation, so here's the dealio:

Steam Broiled Brussel Sprouts

1.5-2 lbs of FRESH brussel sprouts (dudes frozen just won't do)
3 tsp. Olive Oil
3 tsp. Lite Margarine
1/2 can reduced fat chicken broth
Non-stick cooking spray
2 tbsps. chopped walnuts (optional)

Seasonings (to taste)
Black Pepper
Mrs. Dash
Onion Powder
Garlic Powder
Salt

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees and spray a baking dish (I prefer a glass casserole dish, but a baking sheet also works well) with non stick cooking spray.

2.Cut the ends of the sprouts, some leaves will fall off...IT IS OKAY. Then halve each sprout. Rinse with water and put in baking dish. Set aside for a bit...

3. Microwave your margarine...yeah it will look pretty weird as the coloring and oil will unmix lol. Add your olive oil to this and mix. Coat your brussel sprouts THROUGHLY! Add walnuts now if you desire.THEN pour chicken broth into baking dish. Be careful NOT to pour directly onto the sprouts.
4. Now it's time to season these puppies up. As you can see I do not put quantities on my seasoning because it's all to taste. But I will give you this tidbit...go heavy on the garlic and onion powder, minimal on the salt and pepper ;).

5. Put some foil on it and bake for 20 minute stirring occasionally to insure even browning.


7. Take the foil off and bake for an additional 20-25 minutes until all the broth has steamed out and these puppies start to char up a bit..or until no (or VERY little) broth remains (like mine a little charred) though lol.

Progress Checkin...

Weight and Last Week
So, my test last week was to actually NOT journal for a week and see if that would relieve some of the pressure I was putting on myself. Well, though I gained a lb I felt really good last week! Like I cooked more and actually ate leftovers lol. I went to the grocery store and got healthy food, I went to Zumba Sat. and I had a bit more energy. I think the non-journaling helped because I was constantly like..."hmm wonder what the points are on this...since I can't journal I better be on the cautious side". I did point some things...like the apple crisp I made and ate (the whole pan) in one night. It was really effin good tho! Got plenty of servings of fruit in lol...

I also changed my WW online week, back to Week 4. I think I was technically on Week 6. But after realizing I had stupidly not been reading my weekly lessons I went back and caught up and felt like Week 4 which talked about power foods and weight gains really helped. I actually photocopied how to build a breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well as their WW power foods lists and hung them on my fridge. And to boot I actually referred to them when putting together my meals (fyi....brussel sprouts are a power food...thank god for small miracles lol....)....ooo gonna post my Broiled Brussel Sprouts recipe.

Exercise
Anywho, I am going to amp it up this week, as the trick hip is feelin good I want to keep it warmed so I'm gonna try and do TWO Zumba classes this week. Tuesday and Sunday. Plenty of time to recover in between.

This Week's Focus
Though, I will go back to journaling this week (ewww) I want to focus on journaling this week. It was going to be water but I don't want to avoid something I know I can fix...I mean just write the shit down Earl! lol. But one small habit at a time. My goal....and I need to start small is just to journal EVERY dinner. Since I seem to stop at 5pm everyday. I will naturally journal throughout the day but for this week my main focus will be my dinners.

Phaboo to the Yow,

Earl

Gym face and zumba buttcicles...lol....

So, I went to my second Zumba class and quite frankly I could do this every week and never get tired (depressed over other shit but never like dislike this class lol). I get to dance, get a workout, and the music is ALWAYS good unlike going to the clubs lol. Everything they use makes you want to move. I actually went there at the wrong time then came back! Yes, I could have been like ohh I got it wrong and left it there. But I went home relooked up the classes, noted that I had of course not paid attention and went back. It helps that the studio is a block from my house lol. Today we had some Aventura and some Ivy Queen...and yall know when I heard the Ivy Queen I lost my shit lol.

Well getting to the point of this blog, I get done and an older lady starts talking to me. Asking me if I was going to watch the St. Patty's Day parade that was starting outside and I was..."Oh I'm really sweaty" and she was like "And it is cold outside" and we chatted a bit more but afterwards I felt bad. I mean what if she wanted to establish a little repoire and I was so in my "get your shit on and leave mode" that I missed that? I started wondering...if I had "gym faced" her...

Now if you have ever tried to lose weight and gone to the gym you know what gym face is. When you go in head down pretending you don't see everyone else, because then is you start "seeing" the people around you they will start paying attention to you , thus making you REALLY insecure about your wobbly bits floppin around? Okay maybe that's just me...lol. But the point is, I'm really happy when I leave my zumba class at Pineapple Dance! The teachers are friendly the classes are small, there are always a mix of not only races but sizes. The studio is ethnic and colorful, I mean it's the perfect place for me to start getting back into shape (Hell I'm already after two classes very strongly considering popping for a whole 8 week session! Am going on a Groupon voucher now). And I feel bad that I may have gym faced this nice 40ish lady. Shit like this does not help women's natural insecurities while loosing weight. Hope she comes next week so I can at least say hi and be cordial!

Betch wonderin where the buttsicles come in? Well after our convo I left and walked outside and all the sweat on my hips, thighs, and butt congealed in protest of the Chicago wind! No way was I going to watch a parade sweaty and frozen at the same time LOLOLOLOL!

Phantastically Rude,

Earl

AWKWARD....lol

Ear hustled the strangest conversation today between a woman who'd had gastric and REFUSES to exercise, though she'd recently begrudgingly began walking and another woman who'd had the lap band and loved eating high fat foods and wine. Her thing was to simply get her band adjusted while the other woman cut out wine and full fat foods...yet as the only real plus sized woman in the vicinity...I find it strange that both had had these surgeries done and like I'd always assumed still don't know how to maintain a healthy weight or live a healthy lifestyle. VERY WEIRD KARMATIC OCCURRENCE....given my goal this year to loose 26 pounds by July 1st or I get a lap band put in. Very interesting in deed... Then Ms. LB (Lapband) continues on to say how she's afraid she's going to go back to "before" when she "thought she would always be fat" or something like that....now to give you idea of the proximity of this conversation...I was fixing an issue on Ms. GB's (Gastric By pass) computer and they were literally standing right behind me...I didn't know if I should agree with them or be offended. Then I realized it was a matter of prospective...I mean only someone larger than them who considered themselves unattractive ALREADY would agree with them...right? I mean the super confident part of me was like "These chicks need to find another hobby" but the realistic-picked on since 2nd grade Earl was like "Wow I guess everyone struggles. Am I afraid I will never succeed too?"....It was both enlighting and scary. Then of course my very large brain went into over drive and I started to thinking...if I admitted that there are times I feel ugly then all my girlfriends will give me the "But your beautiful!" talk. And though I love them...its just not the same as hearing it from someone you're attracted to lol. Not to mention I think it's natural (which may be my problem in all this lol) that women especially go through periods where they just don't feel attractive! Hell it's hard to be a woman! you gotta keep up your body yes, but then there's the hair and nails, and clothing (yes bad style can unmake ANY potential DIVA). Ugh it's exhausting! Which is why most of the time I flip that crap the bird because when I'm working I need to be focused on more important things. And when I'm playing I'm The Diva...I AM THE DIVA period :). But with my acting going into a different realm here it's like those lines are blurring because in my industry presentation IS EVERYTHING...ewww lol.

This Week's Progress, Reboot, and Challenge...

Notice that last part I added..."and Challenge". I realized last night that I haven't been losing any weight cause I haven't given myself any stakes besides losing $100---and that can happen at any moment depending on how much in bills I have every month! So, not only have I reached out to my former IL WW group for interesting challenges on the WW boards, I am also going to review (and read for the first time) some of my weekly topics that I didn't know existed lol. On the new site I just thought you read the weekly to do list and that was it. Before there wasn't really any weekly plan information online like if you were going to a meeting. So, that's going help me reboot..



Yes, I am rebooting this weightloss thing because all I have been doing is focusing on bad habits and not really enjoying myself (besides my Zumba class). So, as you may have read my biggest thing that I have been pressuring myself about is my lack on consistently jounraling so this week I am taking a week off from journaling! I'm still using the manager for points values but because all I have been doing is trying to move and point food I haven't been having any fun. So, since I know I have to pace myself moving (cause of my trick hip lol) now that I have taken away the pressure of journaling I'm kind of excited for this week! No so much about "staying on plan" but really finding a way to make this interesting and so tedious feeling----I mean I know it's work but I can have fun right?



So, not only am I looking for an online WL challenge I'm also going to start working on my own 4 week challenge! This week is Recipe week! I'm even going to do some work on my cookbook! I mean, I have to go through my Plan Manager anyway and redo the points on all of my old created recipes and I thought why not just copy them into one file to start my book! Fa Sho! Plus if I need to stop being afraid of my blog so I'm going to work myself out a 4 week challenge that I can post here. THIS should be interesting. I mean the point of group challenges is accountability...I am banking on this blog going public very soon and hopefully it will work even for a solo challenge lol. I am truly excited for the first time in a long time about being on WW. I guess a shake up was in order!



Your Phab Disco Diva (there's been a lot on the radio today...yay!),



Earlicious

...omg...Jhud's WW Blog!

So, after talking to my shrink last night (she's more like a really hip old college professor lol), I decided that I needed to reboot my WW. I've talked about it on here a couple blogs ago. Especially since I realized that you get the same plan material on the website I just haven't been looking at it because the WW site has SOOOO much shit on it now! The last time I did WW online there was no topic of the week, no weekly to do lists (which actually keep me really focused and I love it), BLOGS hello! People can have blogs now. And like pictures in their profile and stuff! The profiles are very much like facebook now it's really friggin cool...I just need to learn how to use the dam site and not just the plan manager. Cause I realized that dammit I know the plan I been doing this long enough (since 2005). Yes points values change but he basic principles are all still the same but...I haven't been focusing on ALL of the principles and by not really using ALL of the WW site I've cut out a big support system for myself. Yes I have a shrink but she's like 120 lbs soaking wet---and what I like most about the WW community is that you hear from people who are doing what you're doing in real time with no filter. Which brings me to my latest discovery...JHud's got a blog on WW! Like she has like a real profile. You can follow her blog and post comments to it! It's crazy! I figured it'd probably be something that her publicist is churning out for WW but it really sounds like her and she sounds genuine. Maybe one day I will tell her about my hate on? lol...I am of course following her blog IN SUPPORT! Because if you haven't garnered my Unnecessary JHud Hate On is not really about Jennifer Hudson, it's more about me. Seeing her is a reminder like seeing anyone who's lost weight----that I'm NOT losing weight. Which is a shitty way to be so though I may make those off handed comments I signed up to follow her blog so that I can get out of that mindset. Especially because if feels so black on black crime lol. No for real. It's that simple minded ignorant mentality of "Since I don't have it you can't have it either". I am not that girl! But I have to work through both these emotional bad habits as well as my bad eating and moving habits....oh fyi...did 5 squats this morning :). Gotta keep the glutes fired up so my hip/sacrum doesn't slip again... like it did yesterday morning lol... Phlabbs Out, Earl