Pheelin low?

So, yesterday  I got some news that a guy I was attracted to (but did NOT want to date...that is very important) is shacking up with someone else now.  Of course I was immeadiately jealous and pissed off.  Kind of like an ex-girlfriend...then it hit me.  Every time this happens----and it happens often because I never make a move on a guy---I always get pissed like the dam guy wronged me.  Saying "well he knew I liked him!".  When really, men are really stupid and don't exactly think that logically.  So, as I'm documenting every flirty move and inuenndo he's probably thinking about which episode of Family Guy he tivooed last night lol.  The point is...I realized that I spend a lot of time analyzing and not enough time DOING. Living invigorating REALITIES....so I'm changing that! Stay tuned folks...

Bootcamp Checkin...

Since I couldn't get my comment to come up on the July 14th blog I was commenting on...

Last week I totally flopped on the journaling challenge.  And, I'm just not ready.  I know this and I need to just be okay with it...for now. I haven't journaled in a couple of weeks.  I mean I will journal every so often.  But I just hate tracking right now.  I got so much other shit on my mind, plus I know the system well enough that it's a not a priority for me right now though I keep hearing how trakcing is the key to successfully losing weight on WW.  Which may be why I can't loose weight but I also know, I won't loose a lb unless I am moving and with my hip that dictates I move THAT is a priority right now (I did do a fantastic yoga stretch session yesterday morning.  I mean I felt like new money afterwards!).  I will need to work on some sort of tracking system after I get my movement up.  Like doing it the night before right before I go to bed, or I track after every meal, or I go back to old fashioned pen and paper.  Either way that is a bigger issue right now that I can tackle in a week.  However, since I will be rehearsals at least 4 days a week starting tonight (yayyy), and I just bought $150 dollars in groceries (still pains me...), I should have NO REASON to eat out during the week.



Not my cart, but close to it lol...



I actually cleaned out every single flippin cabinet I had (had stocked up so I needed to!), and I realized I have a lot of go to meals ready, I just need to remind myself that they are there! So, given what I had, I wrote down a list of 5 possible breakfasts, mixing hot and cold items.  Five lunches and five dinners.  I didn't "plan" a menu per say because my tastes change.  But by making the lists, I can simply pick off the list what I want instead of having to think about anything.  I also prepped some of the meals.  Like I cooked up a small batch of Granny Earline's Tuna (yummmo!), I fried up some Bob Evans breakfast sausage into like crumbles because a. I was getting tired of looking at in my my overloaded fridge and b. because I eat so little at a time I was worried that defrosting and refreezing too many time would make it funky lol.  I also hard boiled some extra eggs for hot breakfasts at work (had two boiled eggs, 4 tbls of sausage, cheese , toast, and cherry tomatoes for breakfast today...YEAH!).  I also cooked up a HUGE pot of spaghetti for quick dinners on rehearsal nights.  Because whatever I eat has to be eaten cold I thought this was a smart choice and it will last a few meals.  I then took half of that ground beef and pepper mix from the spaghetti and saved it so I can make egg rolls this weekend.  Yall know I try to do my complicated meals on the weekend lol.  Just need to pick up some cabbage cause I picked up the wrong coleslaw mix lol.  So, yeah I was smart in my shopping.  Then next weekend I can plan out me some more meals though I may have to go get some fresh fruit.  I should start seeing a bit more of my money IN my account during the week.

Plus I'm not depriving myself because I can eat out on the weekends and I am giving myself the leeway that one day I will forget my lunch or be lazy but at least the food will be there for another day!  So, yeah I am postively optimistic about how this week will go.  It's another one of those "find out what my process is" challenges.  Again, some people can cook for the week , I like to just prep in case I change my mind. Like with that breakfast sausage I can easily throw that in a breakfast casserole should I want that instead of just hardboiled eggs!  I also, can't just plan out a menu and stick to it.  I am spontaneous and I like choices so I hope this "soft menu" (see how I just coined another Earlism...dam I'm good...) helps!  Regularly grocery shopping helps which I have been doing on Saturdays after my WW meetings so I think this has a fairly good chance of working out :).

Optimistically Patient,

Earl

Pride Weekend

So, I find it kind of funny that I decided to have date night/Master Plan rehearsal on Pride Weekend, completely unintentionally lol.  Ironic that I woudl undergo this experiment on a weekend where people come together in celebration of accepting who they are and their sexuality.  I SWEAR I did not plan this for this day but I do believe everything happens for a reason so Date Night commenced as follows.

First I cooked all evening for the week which was nice because I got a head up on the game and if I actually had a man coming over I'd need to do that before he got there anyway lol.  I also bought a VERY yummy bottle of sangria from Aldi's which was FANTASTIC.  I chopped up an apple and threw in a couple of strawberries and sipped on that while I cooked and listened to music. Sooooo relaxing.  So, by the time I was done cookin I was a little tipsy, very important in the breaking down of walls lol.  So, then I took a good long shower.  I scrubbed and scented myself appropriately then gave myself a fantastic pedicure with my ped egg.  I must note that I was naked the whole time---after shower naked time is the best and you know it so don't you judge me!

Then go time came.  Would I put on the fishnet dress, heels, makeup and traipse around my apartment? 

HELL YES!....

I got completely dressed, makeup, earrings, leather wrist cuffs, hair, black lace high cut panties, strapless bra, and yes the aforementioned fishnet dress, herein referred to as "Lucy" (it needs a racy kinda name), and my patent leather 3 inch heels ...yowsers.  I know I was supposed go through a mock seduction/date simulation thing but I decided to do my own sexy photoshoot instead.  I felt a little crazy talking to an imaginary guy but by this time the wine had kicked in and I just wanted to feel sexy...not crazy lol.  So, I started by just walking around in the get up.  Not easy at first cause I'm not used to having to make it look "sexy". Then I started taking pics...like all over my apartment lol. To be honest at first I was like "Really Earl? Wow that is not so attractive" when I was looking at the first few pics. Just not a fan of my back rolls but I discovered to my suprise...my ass looks great in lace panties and heels...I'm just sayin lol.  I also lost the bra towards the end.  Why not it was my dam shoot and ain't nobody EVER going to see the X-rated ones, so hey....go hard or go home right? As well, I discovered I do have a "sexy" look. To explain, anytime I think I will be having pictures taken I always try to get a "sexy" look together and I always just end up looking "cute".  Well between the smoky eye makeup, leather cuffs, and red lips it was hard to see "cute" anywhere :).

So, what did I learn and how did this help me on my journey to continually loving myself....well I think some of my anxiety about being naked in front of a guy has eased.  I mean push come to shove, I'll just shake a lil ass at em.  I mean I really was surprised that enjoyed looking at MY OWN backside that much lol.  Of course I had to post a pic on facebook (a non-X rated one of course) cause there's no use in discovering something good about my self/body only to keep hiding it from everyone like I do the "bad" things I don't like about my self/body.  I photoshopped a painting like layer onto it but it's still me! See below!

Pheelin Just Fine ;),

Earl

Sexy Earl?

So, I stopped an asthma attack Wed. but had to go to the ER anyway because I still couldn't take deep breaths.  Got some steroids ( hello weight gain) and am super congested due to supa bad sinus infection that keeps coming back over and over again.  Yes, Earl clearly needs to take better care of herself (making dr's appt's today)  lol...starting Sunday....to explain Watson...

This week I had a lot of contact from guy's I've been attracted to.  Even the one guy from college I would have willing been a sex slave to (and he's so nerdy and oblivous he probably wouldn't have known what to do with a 300lb black love slave lmao...).  And occasionally I have times like this where I almost feel...sexy.  In fact on whim, when I was having one of these "moments", I decided that I needed to impulse shop...for something sexy.  I was feeling sexy why not enjoy the sexy right?  So, off I go to the porn store my best friend and I go.  Yes, I enjoy some good adult entertainment now and again and I purchased a one size fit all fishnet dress.  Convinced my fat would ooze out of the openings I went home and immeadiately tried it on.  To my surprise it actually made me look quite shapely as it was real fishnet not like nylon so it kinda sucked me in.  I tried it on both with and without underwear.  Of course with underwear everything looked a bit more packaged lol.  But even aue natural, I still looked shapely....even I thought I'd still do me lol. 

So, given all of my "minimal guy contact", I told one of my friends that I should practice before I see my latest crush.  I told her I wanted to be confident and not squander my chances due to nervousness.   After a lengthy and quite hilarious conversation about my views on Friends with Benefits (oh yes that is a WHOLE nother blog) I remebered I had "the dress". I'm actually at a point where I think if I really wanted to get a guy to my house I probably could.  I mean they are men lol.  But then what?  I'm so dam awkward and nervouse that my friend suggested a "dry run" lol.
Yes ladies, a dry run lol.

So, this Sunday in an attempt to continually "show loving kindness to myself", I'm going to get a bottle of wine, make a sexy playlist on iTunes (every man and woman should have one), take out "the dress", and my 3 inch "fuck me" pumps and practice being the hostess with the mostest lol.  If the mood is right I might transition right into some nice "private time".  lol.  And for you squares out there, for realsies, I'm 30 and I'm a virgin...I need all the help I can get lol.  And I think more because I'm waiting on my body to change rather to accept it like it is before I really "put myself out there".  So, sunday's "dry run" will be an attempt for me to try to enjoy feeling sexy at THIS size.  I mean what if I could never physically (like say I had some disorder) loose weight?  I'd have to find a way to enjoy my body right? I am for the first time trying to actually work on not hating my body and avoiding sex for the rest of my life because that is not the answer!.....and I'm really horny all the time lol. 

"I'm not gonna be afraid!"

Master Planning the Phinal Frontier,

Earl

p.s.
That last line was my favorite and the most important line from "The Sweetest Thing"...a kind of dumb Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate film, but there is so much truth and fun to the movie that it's one of my faves...plus there's the whole "penis song"...rent it and enjoy my friends!

LOL..Long overdue Check In...

So I realized this morning it had been a while since I posted an in depth blog about how I have been feeling emotionally on this journey I'm on.  Thankfully it has not been because I have been down on my weight or that I have given up.  I actually have just been so busy building my website---I mean like every waking moment---that I've been nerding out ever since I got it two weeks ago (I actually bought legal copies of the software that's how much fun I'm having lol). However...

As you all may or may not know this blog started out as a count down to July 18th my 30th birthday.  At which time I said I would either continue on WW or go in for a lap band consultation if I wasn't under 300 lbs.Well I started in Janurary at 325.  By doing WW online I lost 6 lbs over the course of 3 months.  Yeah not a huge loss for that amount of time but I have kept it off so I am proud of that.  Unfortunately I have been bouncing between 321 and 313 for 8 FRIGGIN WEEKS since I started meetings.

Of course during this time I have been emotionally up and down.  I haven't really been able to make heads or tails of whats going on with my body lol.  But I can say this I have had to deal with my bum hip going out (to the point of needing all my prescription meds) twice in this time.  I'm not trying to make excuses but I need to start really taking this into context. When my hip is hurting, it's all I can do to get through the day at work and then I try not to move which has been an issue.  When this thing first got injured, my saving grace was monitoring how much I was sitting and then MOVING to get RELIEF.  I think my problem has been that I've been either wanting to walk before I crawl or do nothin because I'm sore lol.  And remeber when my hip is out I'm not pooping, which means I'm dealing with

nausea that greatly effects my eating habits.  I mean sometimes I go to bed without dinner because I'm so

nauseous.

Then one week I decided to do a water challenge, going from 64 ozs a day to 100 I lost 5 lbs that week! Then gained it all back superficially because my period had come on.  So, I guess that week (last week) was a wash.  On the plus side I have been cooking up a storm and eating out a little less.  A lot of this has been brought on by my inability to save for my vacay in August lol.  Either way, I have tried to be more attentive to that. Regardless of all that one thing that is true....I am definitely see sawing.  And the experts always say when this is happening you HAVE to break your routine.  Luckily I have a few things to help me out with that....

Earl's in a show!  Yeah like a real play and everything.  I got a call froma  friend of mine who needed a...wait for it..Snow White.  Okay it's Snow White at like 45 with a grown daughter.  Of course it's a hilarious satire on fairy tales and something tells me, I'm going to need to do a lot of physical work.  Not like jumping around and prat falls, but definitely creating a different more rigid posture, plus there is a drunken scene which is always fun but it takes a lot of enegery to safely mimic being drunk lol.  Either way, I took the role primarily because it's a short run (4 weekends), it's fun comedy, and I'D BE MOVING wether I wanted to or not!  I think that's been my issue with moving.  I've been using my hip as a crutch.  Yes I have reinjured it but guess what it's never going to get if I don't move.  I mean I drove to the McDonalds 3 houses down from me!  I knew then I had become too sedentary.  Plus when it comes to your hips...if you don't move em YOU LOSE EM! When Dwayne Wade got a hip pointer in the finals they made him ride a bike to keep it loose.  Not sit down and avoid moving it like I've been.  So, this mornig I got up and I am proud to say I did 3 stretches.  Not full on with yoga mat.  But my seated hip bends, standing side bends, and a roll down.  Am proud because with the mice/waterbug/horsefly issues I've had this spring...I haven't exactly wanted to get on my floor and do anything lol.  So, this weekend I took back the Penthouse!  I actually moved out furniture in my living room where I thought I had waterbugs and found no dead ones or any in the traps...yes I was a big girl and checked the traps myself :).  Hell this is my penthouse and I had to just face that fear so I can start my yoga/stretching again.

What else....oh I'm also going back to the 2nd job this week.  That I am worried about because that means I'm going to start losing sleep.  The new shifts end at 10 meaning I won't get home till 11. Meaning no Criminal Minds (my new complete nerdy obsession) and EATING OUT.  I just started getting the hang of making time to cook and now I'm about to be tested.  Luckily I have stuck to my promise and I am only working two shifts a week.    Going to rehearsals at 6 will also test this but hopefully I will not be called everyday  until closer to opening. My day planner is going to be my lifeline! Planning, planning, planning!

As well, in august I will be workshopping an old play of mine that I am supposed to be working on lol with...the University of Chicago!   Yes, I am being called a "theatre professional" working in conjunction with their Summer Incubator series lol.  Companies from all over the city are participating!  Am exciting to not only get my name out there but most importantly get my writing, my VOICE out there.  So yay.   I got a lot coming up the pipe but guess what...the 2nd job goes dark the beginning of August so I only have to deal with that for 6 weeks,  the play is over August 13th, and incubator series is only two weeks and it will be done on August 13th as well.  One week before....I GO ON VACAY WITH THE GIRLS TO MAINE!!!...in which time I will also see a certain guy that I have a slight thing for...okay I want to rip his clothes off with my teeth but that's besides the point lol...anywho...

Hopefully I don't come out sleep deprived, broke, and 10 lbs heavier lol.  So, my goal is just pick and choose my Criminal Minds time because that has been playing with my sleep time, finish the last tweaks on website (it's live, so I don't want to mess with it too much) again so I can get that off my plate and get some sleep. Cook when I can and get a system going because rehearsals are at the same times so, I need to simply PLAN, PLAN, PLAN!

Your Gracious Diva,

Earl

p.s.
Oh, despite a small tortilla chip hiccup during the finals I have stuck pretty firm to the No-No list! So yayyyy for me!

Irritable Earl....

*WARNING!: Yup I can tell my period is coming on because I turn into this vapid bitch from hell who eats EVERYTHING!  I'm serious, I am so moody and unhappy about things that I normally wouldn't even give brainpower to. Things like my job, where I'm at in my career, all these things that can be stressors depedning on HOW i think about them.  Add in a healthy dose of out of control hormone, and you get Irritable Earl.  But since Aunt Flo is on her way, and this has been on my mind.  Prepare for a rather bitchy BUT TRUE blog...*

So, I've noticed a lot of actresses and artists who are now trying to put out new material. The one thing that unites them....they're all alot THINNER.  Here's the list of the formerly phabbulous...(they're still fabulous lol):

Jordin Sparks
J-Hud (you knew she'd make the list lol)
Marcia Ambrosius (formerly of Floetry)
Kristie Alley
Pretty Much EVERY spokesperson for Jenny Graig
Raven
Queen Latifah
Monique
America Fererra

Yet larger artists like Kelly Clarkson and even Adelle who's SUPA popular right now...aren't getting the offers these other artists are.  Hell Adelle was on the cover of what was it Rolling Stone or something and what did they do?  CROP HER BODY OUT lol.  I'm going deaf at all the dam subliminal "if ya loose weight we'll find something for ya!"messages the Hollywood machine is throwing out like crack. But it has to, the Hollywood machine that is. The Hollywood Machine was built on one principle...sexy, trim, and attractive SELLS.  Now I didn't put "skinny" because Beyonce , Rhianna, Mariah Carrey (pre-trwins) have no problem selling what they got lol.  I also think attractive african american women like that get a pass.  But can you name one super popular larger WHITE girl? Oh no.  If you're white you gotta look like Megan Fox or Jennifer Aniston and if you're a little bookish  Tina Fey.  If you are out of that mold you're not going to even get a foot in the door to do that "killer monologue" you prepared. 

You know what i learned from these girls?  That if I want to live healthy and enjoy my life I need to continue WW, if I ever want to make it to the level of "superstar" or and hate to use this word "famous"...I'm going to have to get a lap band.  I don't have 5 more years to loose this weight.  By then I'll only be able to play cougars lol.  I hate the entertainment business.  There are very few artists and way too many talentless fools willing to do anything for the same fame that will tear them apart 2-3 years after their "big break"....good quote...I should remember that one...

Maybe I'm destined to only strive for the regional theatre level? I know people who have Tony's in that league...so it's nothing to turn a nose up at....but didn't I also tell mysself if I was going to do this, I was going to go for it all?  Maybe I will get some great movie roll that I rock at my current phabulous weight...but then what?  Six months down the line do I pull an Ashley Judd and keep playing that same character?  Or do I go the indie route like Natlaie Portman and Penelope Cruz both huge stars who started and still do indie work regularly.  I think in order to keep that kind of career, you have to deal with the Hollywood machine.  you can't fight it...all you do is try to survive it with some sense of self....after they've pre packedmaged waxed, tanned, dyed, and straved you into something marketable.... yes I ranted so sue me!



Irritably Yours....

E

I have on a back brace...

Hell that should say it all.  Pulled a muscle in my back.  I think I slept weird on my couch when I came in from Bluesfest Sunday.  The result?  Intense back spasms at 2:30 in the daggone morning.  Missed work yesterday and I have copped out of the first two days of my 6week boot camp 2nd week challenge of tracking every day.  Yes, I am doing a 6 week back to basics boot camp to get me ready for the "big day" July 18th.

Last week was the water challenge....drink 100'ozs a day.  I went 432ozs for 500 so I gave myself a gold star for just doing it everyday.  This week I have to get back on the wagon.  I hate jounrnaling so posting every night on the WW website is my goal. I missed yesterday but I'm going to write it in anyway so I can feel like I started off my week better, plus I was nursing a bad back yesterday!

I have decided with my shrink, should I not make my 18lb goal by the 18th (I lost 5 lbs last week after the water challenge!) I will reflect on the last 6 weeks.  If I don't gain and continue to slowly loose I will give myself ONE extension making my new deadline January 1, 2012 (that' roughly 5 additional months or 20 extra weeks).

...no progress...

So, I agained 3.2 of the 3.4 I lost last week back.  I was hoping that I lost the weight because of the 5K and not the sickness.  Well looks like it was the sickness.  Now on this starting to get muggy Monday ...I'm not feelin it today.  I'm not feelin anything....writing, losing weight, acting, saving money, going on vacation...all of the things that have basically made my life interesting lately.  I don't mean that to sound all self depricating. I'm just not feeling it.  Primarily because I've had no progress on a lot of those fronts.  Still haven't sat down to write, still not saving money---in fact I got a letter form the IRS saying I owe them 1100 lol (I think my sister forgot my W2 from my second job), acting for like the first time in my life has really lost it's appeal---due to the weight thing, only walked once last week....and July18th is just around the corner...D-Day...Lap Band consult day....no bueno....

I'm mentioning this because I'm lacking motivation here clearly lol, but I'm not sure why?  Seeing the scale go up I'm sure contributed but I haven't been feelin bad...hmmm.  I talk to my shrink today so I'm sure I'll admit some shit to myself that I'm not willing to admit conciously now lol.  That's how it works with my therapist.  I unconciously think things that may be way out so I don't give them a second thought.  And then I mention it to her and she's mostly always like wow I think that's a great idea lol. Oh and fyi I think I have a dead mouse in...wait for it...my bedroom AGAIN.  I'm batting a thousand this weekend and I was barely home lol.

Just Not Pheelin it Today,

Earl

Frisky Fun Friday!

Okay...I don't often talk seriously about my sex life because firstly it's non-existent and 2ndly it's a bit embarassing yet confusing.  To explain (or try to rather lol)...

There are days like today when I feel good and I feel like if the right guy crossed my path I'd give him "The Diva".  The part of me that is super fun and well flirty.  Of course she comes out onconciously most times, but today I wanted to bring her out and play :).  Concious Earl trying to flirt is a little like watching someone on Jackass hit another cast matein the face with a brick.  Funny, yet intriguing, but mostly disastrous lol.

Where is this coming from you say?  Well, since I am the Queen of Crushes (I've had like 25 with no boyfriend and I'm still a virgin...so yeah I've earned my title!) I've been trying to break that habit.  And there's one guy that I've been crushin since I met him.  In the event this gets back to him I better withhold his name.  All I gots to say is he gets hotter everytime he opens his mouth!  Yeah, he's that guy....the guy that is not only attractive but intellectually your equal.  Ugh....SEXAY!   I mean I've been having some pretty graphic fantasies about this guy who I will see soon.  But I don't want to mess it up with him, so I'm thinking I need to find a Training Wheels Guy.  A guy I could get everything wrong with first so that when I get around Mr. Almost Perfect...the Diva will be ready! 

As you all may or may not know I've been trying to meld the two...Earliana the Goof and Earl the Diva.  I guess I'm trying to bring the sexy all the time...not just when I'm out, with a girdle on, and a jack and coke in hand lol.  With my body changing I've actually been touching myself a lot more lately (shut up freaks lol).  Not sexually just in general, I can physically feel my body changing and it's cool.  It's like touching something out of the ordinary like a cactus or baby kitten, weird but soothing.  I don't know.  I'm trying to love myself more so I think the extra non sexual touching may be a good thing...except for the side effect that it can turn sexual quickly based on my mood lol.

I can't believe I'm even talking about this on here but I don't want to hide my shyness about my non-sexual self.  I want to be more honest and open about it so that if I get a chance with Mr. Almost Perfect (or any other respectable guy) I don't go all cavewoman on him lol....OMG...Okay this blog is done lol....

Dam I'm good....and sexy too!

LMBO,

Earl