Yo...wtf?

Wassssuuuppp! I still can't believe how much more relaxed I've been since Lovefest 2011. I mean, I didn't even realize how much of that negative crap I was carrying with me everywhere. How much of it I thought was so "unconcious" when it was apparently on my mind 24 hours a day. Yeah...that's my m.o.....too much self induced pressure equals emotional diarraea/meltdown. LOL. I'm really thankful that I've found something (loving myself) to work on keeping the stress down. Something that is keeping me waayyy more focused than getting a man or losing weight or even succeeding at acting lol. However, in terms of losing weight...I have been eating a tad crazy. Well crazy for me lol. I don't know if it's a result of being on meds to get over this sinus thing, my flared up leg pain easing, or Lovefest 2011, but eating has been such a second thought this week lol. Let me draw you a picture....with yesterday's menu....

Breakfast...a baked chicken leg and 3 cubes of cheese lol.
Lunch....an orange chicken smart one.
Dinner...chicken sandwich with asparagus.
Snacks... 2 oz's of nuts and yogurt covered raisins and an orange.

And that's it lol.

YEAH FOR REALSIES!

And besides lunch I was oddly satisfied after each meal (I ate some of my snack to aid the "I'm still hungry after this Smart One meal" thing. We've all been there lol.) It's been like this all week. So weird. It's like it's just not that important. I said I was going to shed the things that no longer serve me and I refuse to believe that during Lovefest 2011 I shed stressing over my weight. I mean I've been so good at it for 29 years I doubt one emotional breakdown could change THAT. Am kidding lol.

Who knows I'm just riding the "calm" train lol. I mean I've still been dealt stressful situations (had a performance this week, rehearsal, work demands) but everyday I don't dread coming to work, or stress about what I'm eating, or that much at all. I'm telling you it's strange to feel so....empty in a GOOD way lol. It just reminds me how much energy I was giving to basically berating myself. But for people who are really ambitious people and artists in particular I think this is their majorly life long hard balancing act----How to ENJOY success even when we don't see it for what it is. Like the fact that I've found a way to stomach my day time job is a major success I haven't been recognizing choosing to simply focus on that fact that I'm still here lol. Focusing on my success of surviving the crazy at my job has actually given me a little more confidence at my job ( I know crazy... lol) . Even when I've screwed up this week, I've remembered that I've come a LOOONNNG way since I started here lol. In terms of weight loss...I've been simply denying what people have been telling me for months which is that, though I know I haven't lost a significant amount of weight, people have been telling me that it looked like I was really loosing weight. Of course trying to not get excited and then letting myself down I've simply dismissed all of those compliments with "people who have no idea how much weight I need to loose" lol. As a result of course I've focused on that dam scale and missed that perhaps my weight has shifted. I think once I can pin down Daniel from BBT I'm going to get my measurements taken again and see how much has really changed since September 2010. I think I might----well...I think I WILL find that Earl has been wayyyyy to hard on herself about her weight AND that all of those nice people have been able to see what Earl hasn't allowed herself to see because she's been soooo "goal" focused. No judgement there, as it's natural...I just have to admit it, realize it, and let it go for the future lol.

Okay enough blowing smoke up your ass---gahhhh see I'm doing it! Okay...this is stupid...

What I've been unwilling to admit, covering it up with lots of sarcasm is that this week I think I actually genuinely feel happy right now. Geez why was that so hard to spit out lol. I guess the turnaround was so quick that I've been dismissing it. I mean during Lovefest 2011 I did admit some big time life revelations while letting things out that I've been holding in for a while....but how can I be happier already? I mean I don't even know how to really love myself (though I'm keeping a list of ideas) or how the different issues in my life will turn out but....you see THIS is how I think lol. Always so logical, thinking about the next logival step but I'm in uncharted territory here. Loving myself....whew just saying that is scary lol. I mean people date and loose weight and get jobs sometimes repeatedly in their life lol. But can you truly love yourself if you have to consciously do it repeatedly lol? Yes I am an anxiety ridden over achieving analyzer lol...but...and I don't know many (any lol) answers to the questions I've poses but I do think I am simply changing. Like when I started making myself okay with simply paying my bills regularly instead of freaking out over the overall larger amounts lol. That was Ragefest 2007 which is a whole nother blog...maybe I'll repost that one day lol. But in an effort to treating myself with "loving kindness", I'm going to offer end this no-answers blog with this...

I am happy with my life...this week lol.

Yeah...I'm okay declaring that much lol. One day at a time, one week at a time...shedding the things that no longer serve me in an effort to keep loving kindness at the center of my relationship with Earl....I know sounds like psycho mumbo jumbo (that I created WITH my therapist...she's a guide not my keeper lol) but I'm giving it a real shot and I am feeling better as a result...so there!

Phaboliciously Yours,

Earl